Bittersweet Gratitude

I had it all planned... the last few days I have been coming to terms with the awesomeness that is my life and feeling amazingly grateful and blessed. I was going to write this glowing blog entry full of reasons why all of my dreams have come true and how God has given me more than I ever even hoped. And then it happened....

I am going to maintain my MO of being strategically vague and elusive, because it didn't happen to me and it isn't my place to share.... but it kind of rocked my world. It reminded me of the uncertainty of life and of love... you think you know, but you don't necessarily have a clue.

Divorce seems like the most tragic thing to me. Something you thought would last forever comes to a screeching halt. I can't imagine being blind-sighted by the person you love and have decided to sped your life with, it must feel ridiculously horrible. Something with the permanence of marriage (although I know it doesn't have much of a societal permanence at this point) just being taken away...

It really makes you question things. How can you know if something is going to last? How can you know if love is real?

Well, regardless of my mental shift I have A LOT to be grateful for and I think it would still be a good idea to share them:

1. I live in an awesome city. This is amazing on a few levels... one, that after my first attempt to leave NC, I have found resounding success. Two, I was able to make my way to the 'big' city, like I always wanted (although DC was not high on the list) with diversity in culture, ogles of opportunity, and yet it still feels small enough to be communal on some level. I never would have guessed DC would be such a great place. I also never would have thought I could feel so at home here in such a short amount of time.

2. I am in freakin' grad school. How did this happen? I used to hate school... I was basically pulled kicking and screaming to the finish line for my bachelors and yet something possessed me to take it to the next level. I am still in shock whenever I realize that I will be able to put MA next to my name in a little over a year.... not that I would though, that would be lame.

3. I live in community. Sometimes when I get up in the morning now I am so overwhelmed I can hardly stand it. It's hard to really describe or put a finger on, but I love living with people and around people and formulating this loose communal, neighborhood bond. I love the fact that people are over to my house all the time... I love the fact that we eat meals together regularly. I love the fact that people are always playing instruments and singing. I love the fact that I am surrounded by artistic people who can share and create together.

4. I have an awesome J-O-B. When in think back to the reason WHY I came to grad school... it was because I wanted to make the move from domestic nonprofit work to international. I wanted to work in an organization that was doing hands-on work abroad. I wanted the opportunity to travel and to feel like I was making a difference on the issues that matter to me in, and outside the US. DC is a rough town for jobs... it's highly competitive and everyone is trying to break in this market. My end goal was to get in the door of a nonprofit working with child soldiers, or the bigger issue of modern slavery. I was worried it wouldn't happen. Well, graduation day is still a year off and somehow that has already happened. And the paychecks will start coming soon... I am blown away.

5. I have the most amazing friends and family. Both here in DC and back home I am surrounded by people who continue to amaze me and show me unconditional love and acceptance, whether I deserve it or not. Sometimes I can't believe that I have so many people to call... so many people who would drop what they are doing to help me when I am in need. So many people who have invested in me and in my life and made me who I am.

6. And the moment you have been waiting for (this is for you Joe)... I have the most amazing boyfriend ever. When I came to DC, a lot of people 'knew' I would meet someone... I wasn't so sure, but I guess they were right. I am so thankful that someone like Ryan even exists, because I wasn't always convinced. Even though I feel completely inadequate to be in a relationship, I am thankful he has the patience to let me learn as we go and to just... be there, supporting me when I need him and encouraging me to be *ahem* reasonable, and a better version of myself.

Ok, so that's the end of my book on gratitude... to be honest at this point I am living the life I always wanted and I feel like I have nothing to complain about. It's overwhelming really. It's also good to be reminded that it's only by God's grace and mercy, and that things won't always be so perfect... The upside is that each trial has a purpose, the purpose of making me into who I need to be... that better version of myself. So, I am choosing to be thankful for what I have now, thankful for what I have been through to get me to this point, and aware that I don't deserve any of it. Because if God wants to take it all away tomorrow, if that's what needs to happen... I mean, it will suck... but...