Bittersweet Gratitude

I had it all planned... the last few days I have been coming to terms with the awesomeness that is my life and feeling amazingly grateful and blessed. I was going to write this glowing blog entry full of reasons why all of my dreams have come true and how God has given me more than I ever even hoped. And then it happened....

I am going to maintain my MO of being strategically vague and elusive, because it didn't happen to me and it isn't my place to share.... but it kind of rocked my world. It reminded me of the uncertainty of life and of love... you think you know, but you don't necessarily have a clue.

Divorce seems like the most tragic thing to me. Something you thought would last forever comes to a screeching halt. I can't imagine being blind-sighted by the person you love and have decided to sped your life with, it must feel ridiculously horrible. Something with the permanence of marriage (although I know it doesn't have much of a societal permanence at this point) just being taken away...

It really makes you question things. How can you know if something is going to last? How can you know if love is real?

Well, regardless of my mental shift I have A LOT to be grateful for and I think it would still be a good idea to share them:

1. I live in an awesome city. This is amazing on a few levels... one, that after my first attempt to leave NC, I have found resounding success. Two, I was able to make my way to the 'big' city, like I always wanted (although DC was not high on the list) with diversity in culture, ogles of opportunity, and yet it still feels small enough to be communal on some level. I never would have guessed DC would be such a great place. I also never would have thought I could feel so at home here in such a short amount of time.

2. I am in freakin' grad school. How did this happen? I used to hate school... I was basically pulled kicking and screaming to the finish line for my bachelors and yet something possessed me to take it to the next level. I am still in shock whenever I realize that I will be able to put MA next to my name in a little over a year.... not that I would though, that would be lame.

3. I live in community. Sometimes when I get up in the morning now I am so overwhelmed I can hardly stand it. It's hard to really describe or put a finger on, but I love living with people and around people and formulating this loose communal, neighborhood bond. I love the fact that people are over to my house all the time... I love the fact that we eat meals together regularly. I love the fact that people are always playing instruments and singing. I love the fact that I am surrounded by artistic people who can share and create together.

4. I have an awesome J-O-B. When in think back to the reason WHY I came to grad school... it was because I wanted to make the move from domestic nonprofit work to international. I wanted to work in an organization that was doing hands-on work abroad. I wanted the opportunity to travel and to feel like I was making a difference on the issues that matter to me in, and outside the US. DC is a rough town for jobs... it's highly competitive and everyone is trying to break in this market. My end goal was to get in the door of a nonprofit working with child soldiers, or the bigger issue of modern slavery. I was worried it wouldn't happen. Well, graduation day is still a year off and somehow that has already happened. And the paychecks will start coming soon... I am blown away.

5. I have the most amazing friends and family. Both here in DC and back home I am surrounded by people who continue to amaze me and show me unconditional love and acceptance, whether I deserve it or not. Sometimes I can't believe that I have so many people to call... so many people who would drop what they are doing to help me when I am in need. So many people who have invested in me and in my life and made me who I am.

6. And the moment you have been waiting for (this is for you Joe)... I have the most amazing boyfriend ever. When I came to DC, a lot of people 'knew' I would meet someone... I wasn't so sure, but I guess they were right. I am so thankful that someone like Ryan even exists, because I wasn't always convinced. Even though I feel completely inadequate to be in a relationship, I am thankful he has the patience to let me learn as we go and to just... be there, supporting me when I need him and encouraging me to be *ahem* reasonable, and a better version of myself.

Ok, so that's the end of my book on gratitude... to be honest at this point I am living the life I always wanted and I feel like I have nothing to complain about. It's overwhelming really. It's also good to be reminded that it's only by God's grace and mercy, and that things won't always be so perfect... The upside is that each trial has a purpose, the purpose of making me into who I need to be... that better version of myself. So, I am choosing to be thankful for what I have now, thankful for what I have been through to get me to this point, and aware that I don't deserve any of it. Because if God wants to take it all away tomorrow, if that's what needs to happen... I mean, it will suck... but...

Employment

... and so it begins. My period of unemployment was enjoyable while it lasted... sleeping in, enjoying leisurely walks, immense amounts of free time for hanging, movie watching, cooking/baking, and pilates. All good things must come to an end. I guess I should be more joyful, I mean I can finally stop depleting my savings, maybe even make some purchases (a much needed macbook) and pay off some school debt... but I am beginning to feel that income might be more restricting than it is liberating.

Money is a funny thing. It can bring security, opportunity... but it can quickly consume you. And I don't mean in a "I have to have more!" sort of way, it just makes you more aware of your financial situation and therefore, if you are anything like me, more concerned (most likely, needlessly). Even though I made NO money during the last 7 months, I worried about monetary issues less than I have in a long time.

March 16th marks a new day, a new job. I am very thankful for the opportunity, it is perfect for me and my stage in life. I am thankful for the income which might enable me to eradicate my debt sooner than planned. It will be interesting to see how the balance works out... with working 30 hours, going to school full-time and having a social life. I have been able to balance a lot before, but I have become lazy in my time off and I am out of practice. Let's just hope psycho-planner Laura stays under wraps. :)

4o+ days of Lent

I can’t say that I have ever participated in Lent before. I have certainly fasted, but not necessarily within the bounds of the 40-day season leading up to Easter. I have taken part in a few media fasts in my day, I have even gone whole-hog and given up all food for periods of time (I am pretty sure I have never made it more than a week). I have also had dietary restrictions… (but never for Jesus.)

Food and I have an interesting relationship. I go through phases… I can experience everything from complete control of my eating habits to the absence of anything resembling control. Although it may not manifest itself in immense weight gain… I can certainly lose the capacity to make wise choices or curb my cravings for baked goods.

Self-control is a fruit of the spirit. It is a pretty vital aspect of health, and spiritual growth. After realizing that my newfound access to a well-equipped kitchen and the ability (long denied me) to bake all kinds of goodies, I realized that my cravings for sugary desserts and sweet carbohydrates had gotten just beyond my control.

Hence, I have begun my first 40-day Lent-ian adventure into the world of self-denial and (hopefully) control. The list is long (no alcohol, caffeine, white starches, dairy…) and completely doable. I mean I used to eat this way by choice… but only 48 hours in, I must admit that it is harder than I thought it would be. I had become more accustomed to dietary anarchy than I had realized. I have found myself craving things I don’t even like, or haven’t eaten in years… I wanted to tear a bagel out of a friend’s hand… I really want the spaghetti served at a random restaurant back home that closed more than 5 years ago… Oh, and sopapias… I forgot they existed.

Anyway, I refuse to indulge my fat-kid mentality by dwelling on my illogical cravings any longer. Instead, I will focus on the happy thought of hummus, at least it is still allowed.

The truth is, I already feel better. AND, I am sure a few more days in and I won’t believe that I had fallen so far of the self-control bandwagon.

The hardest part will be the lack of cheese… oh, how I love thee.

So, in the vein of spiritual discipline, I am supplementing my denial with an addition, or maybe just the attempt to regulate what I already do. I have become slack at (prayer) journal writing and such, and I desire to make it a daily practice yet again.

So this Lent I hope to come out the other end a slightly improved version of myself. We will see how that works…

Either way, at the end, my first meal is going to be a Flaming Amy’s burrito. No joke.

Another Way America Has it Wrong

I had no idea how hard it was to live by yourself... until I started living with people again.

It was a strange transition. Moving from NC, where I had ALWAYS lived, and lived with 2+ people, I didn't know what was affecting me more... the new city, not knowing anyone, still getting established, stress of grad school, stress of no income, finding an internship... It was impossible to pick out the effects of living alone and separate them from any number of reasons for emotional distress. Now, that I live in with people again (and on a whole new level of 'community'... BUNK BEDS, 'nuf said), I am beginning to realize how much living alone had affected my psyche. I am not made for it.

So, pardon my "Blue Like Jazz" reference... but Donald Miller has a few things to say about the importance on living in community and I am finding new appreciation for them, and their validity. Community is entirely undervalued in our society. I can't even count the number of people who said one of the following when I informed them of my new living arrangement:

1) "I love living by myself, I don't want to live with roommates again... you know, until I get married"
2) "I could never share a room!"
3) "You better be sure you will get along with your roommates, especially if you are sharing a room"

Now, I understand that independence carries a unique level of value in American culture, especially in comparison to most of the world, which is communal in nature, but I am not convinced it is a good idea. It's like Donald Miller says... living with people teaches you how to live with people.

When I read the three statements above, I realize the level of selfishness that is acceptable, and even encouraged in our society. If we can't live with other people, even people we won't always see eye-to-eye with... what does that say about us?

Anyway, I think I have made my point without rambling on in some self-righteous rant. The moral of the story: I like living with people.

... and on a lighter note.

Last night in class we watched the documentary Taxi to the Dark Side. It's the story of an Afghan taxi driver who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He was picked up during a sweep, as were his two passengers, and instantly detained without charge. He was effectively tortured for weeks in Baghram until he eventually died from extensive tissue damage in his legs. The guards say they would knee prisoners in the thigh when they were combative. Admittedly, the MP's say that the taxi driver spent too much time crying and praying and it was annoying them. It turns out he had no connections to any known terrorist or terrorist attack. He just had some bad luck.

Since 9/11, we have detained over 38,000 people... and only a few of them have had charges brought against them or a trial (and not until very recently). It appears that many of them were interrogated using vile tactics. I could go into details about the methods used, but for both of our sakes... I will not.

Watching this movie was not my ideal way of spending my evening and it certainly didn't leave you with much emotional at all, except anger. The thing is, the filmmakers want you to blame the Bush administration. (And DO NOT get me wrong, I do... Ultimately they were the enabling factor in this equation that led to these extensive human rights abuses.) The thing is, we have to look beyond the administration and ask ourselves a question... How did we get to this point? How did we let this happen? Our government is a response to us. Ultimately, we hold responsibility for what happens.

I used to be a huge 24 fan. I mean, honestly I still watch it... just not the with adamant fervor I once did. I realized one day that the fact that Jack Bauer could get me cheering for him to pull someone's finger nail off, really disturbed me. Media does a good job of desensitizing us in many ways, this is not the least of them.

In Taxi to the Dark Side, they interviewed some interrogators who had been prosecuted for Abu Ghraib. All of them stated that they had not received proper training and were really unaware of what was expected of them, except one thing: get the information. They called the detainees PUC's (prisoners under custody) and readily admitted they went to great lengths to dehumanize them. They didn't have names, they had numbers.

I know I might have a radical view, but I believe that every human begin is born with basic human dignity, that has rights. Human rights, as they exist today in international law, are actually based on scripture! It doesn't matter whether they speak your language, have your skin color or religion. It doesn't matter if they are poor or are dressed funny... they are just as human as you are and they should be treated as such.

We all know by now that information collected through torture is unreliable and invalid in a court of law. We all know that it's illegal and we all know that its 'wrong'... but a large percentage of Americans seem to believe that circumstances exist where those rule smuts be broken and something must be done. I mean, just ask FOX... their ratings are through the roof. Is media to blame? Does media change perception or reflect perception? Should I feel guilty for enjoying TV for it's entertainment value? Should we demand a better standard form our television?


I don't know... What comes first, the chicken or the egg?

Well, statistics show us that the % of Americans who think that circumstances exist where torture is necessary has increased dramatically in the past decade. The question is whether that has anything to do with media, or with the actual state of the world and the events of 2001 and the war on terror.

Anyway, I can't offer any answers. In fact, I don't even know that I will stop watching 24, but I hope that at the very least, I will not be rooting for Jack when he decides to take an interrogation too far. At least, not any more...

Kickoff

Who won the Super Bowl? Well, in my opinion it was a decisive victory for Flaming Amy's, whose amazing salsa goodness made the night very special for some unsuspecting DC residents. I was lucky enough to receive a special delivery from my mom who had made the journey northward to help me move this weekend. Obviously, feeling generous... Mom also surprised with another amazing gift... a brand new waffle maker! What are you doing Saturday morning? Well, I am making WAFFLES!

Today has been an amazing relief. I think that I was beginning to think that my stressful state during the last few weeks was semi-permanent. But, after a great night's rest on my own mattress (for the first time since I moved to DC), a good breakfast, and a super easy/short commute to my internship... I am loving life living in NE.

I just feel good... like relieved and satisfied. Peaceful. I have left a phase of life behind and I couldn't be more ready to explore the next one.

After only a few hours of residency, we held a Super Bowl watching party at our place... which turned out to be a lot less about watching the Super Bowl than socializing. As it should be, in my opinion. The only reason I even kept track of the score was to inform my little brother, who was driving back to NC, of the games progress.