3 States of Being

I was reminded over break how much of a contrast exist between the culturally 'christian' south, and the rest of the world. This subculture that exists among southern church communities, my not be exclusive to them. It seems probable that it extends to most contexts of the south as a whole, but I cannot speak to that from experience.

This significant difference in worldview is highlighted when you are one who has 'left the nest"... returning home for a visit promptly shoves you right into the limelight where you are quickly reminded how differently things work here. You see, there are three states of being among this sub-culture: absolutely single, married, or about to walk down the isle. There does not appear to be an acceptable in-between status.

It's not hard to miss the fact that people tend to get married significantly younger in the south, but it appears this tend is especially common within the church. I think we all might have a guess as to the exact reason for this... but beyond that, I think there might be other factors playing a role.

For the most part, the view of a female is disproportionately skewed, causing parents and children alike to value marriage as a state in which a young girl can be 'taken care of' once she is socially forced to leave the nest. Everyone feels better this way, she will be protected and cared for, and she can develop her skills as a caretaker in preparation for motherhood, which most likely, is coming soon and is certainly of high value. Let's be honest, in theory one might support the development of other interest and skills in young women, but it always seems to fall secondary, to the wayside once a connection is made to an acceptable male. Even in my contact with the strong, independent women in my life, I find significant expectation that I am making progress towards the 'goal' of marriage and baby-making.

Now, I realize I am being terribly, and most likely unfairly, generic. And, please do not assume that I mean this all incredibly negatively, for I am as guilty as the next person sometimes... and I to fall prey to the mentality. So... let's get back on track. Three states of being.

Inevitably, the question comes... "So, have you met someone?"

I dread running into people who I think might ask the question, regardless of what the answer is... Am I wrong in finding it slightly degrading? Maybe I am being overly sensitive, but I especially value the order... does it come before or after the questions about my studies? Even before I left home I must have had a dozen people predict I would "meet someone in DC" as if that was my reason for going. I tried to belittle the emphasis, for their sake as well as for my own. I am not sure I was incredibly successful on either front.

The problem continues once you have left single-hood.... now the pressure is really on. You may have left one nagging question and set of pressures behind, but they have simply been exchanged for a shiny new set. There does not appear to be an aptitude for length or depth of relationship. I blame this on the tendency of my peers down south to marry, not only young, but quickly. Taking a brief mental count of my married friends (which is most of the people I grew up with, by the way) I would say the average *ahem* 'courtship' lasted about 4.7 months (that's if you remove the anomaly of Christy and Daniel, who started dating in their early teens). That's right, 4.7 months!!

I guess that explains a lot. Three states of being: absolutely single, married, or about to walk down the isle. No in-between. I can make accusations all day about how this is unhealthy, and not beneficial. I can rant about people getting married young, or too quickly... but in all honesty, I do not have a right to. It's their life, not mine. I just don't exactly appreciate the way their choices impact me. Who knows what kind of damage the nagging questions have done my psyche? Or maybe, there is no damage at all. How should I know?

My removal from the south and the sub-culture in which I was raised really confirmed my life-long belief that people in the south are crazy. I mean, *ahem* different. I am not sure if I ever really fit in... classmates used to always assume I was a yankee because of my lack of accent, the way I dressed, the food I ate, etc... I would just shake my heard and smirk, "I've lived here my whole life, most likely, longer than you have."