Time rolls on...

School is in full swing... I can tell by the absorbent amount of reading I find myself doing at all hours of the day. They do not joke around about assigned reading in grad school.

I might have mentioned this before, but I have been doing a lot more 'joy' reading as well. Since the majority of my travel time (and there is a lot of it) requires sitting and waiting, I have found time to complete three books in the past week. Makes up for all of the time I didn't read at all!

I cleaned my apartment today. It took my 30 minutes. I have found (as I suspected) that living by yourself has its perks. It is very easy to stay clean when you only have to pick up after yourself. It is also much easier to motivate yourself to do the cleaning if it is only your mess. Needless to say my space has stayed tidy.

One might think that since I have had a significant amount of down time, I would have watched a lot of TV and movies. On the contrary... I have only watched the news, and the Daily Show, since I got here. I have watched a few movies, but not as many as I would have guessed.

In actuality, I find myself pretty productive. I read a lot, my space and my clothes stay clean, I am eating healthy and in good proportion, spending as little money as possible, and yet still getting out and meeting people.

I am sure things will get more complicated with time.

Tomorrow is a special day. I have instigated a trip to Six Flags that I am VERY excited about. It should be a great 'break' and an adventure with some of my school buddies. Hopefully it will not be too hot, or crowded. I have not ridden a roller coaster in some time and I am looking forward to experiencing them again.

I have begun to take ownership of my life here. This feels like my house, this is beginning to feel like my city, and American is starting to feel like my school.

Children

I have always had a soft port for vulnerable children developing nations, especially orphans and street children. The strange part, especially for those who know me, is that those emotions do not extend to other children. I don't like to babysit... I am not particularly drawn to children... a lot of them annoy me.

For this reason I sort of denied my desire to work with OVC's (orphans and vulnerable children) assuming that it wasn't genuine. Then I went to Sudan and met some young boys whose faces still make me tear up regardless of distance. What does this all mean?

Pastor Mark talked about finding your passion on Sunday. He said we should all find that thing that makes us pound our fist against a table and do something about it.

I was reading the book Not For Sale and came to a chapter about Child Soldiers (mostly in Uganda). I could not believe the emotion that came over me. I wanted to cry, scream, and hop on a plane all at the same time. Now, this isn't some decisive moment. Time can change things, but it gives me a direction.

After a bad experience in a philosophy class this week, I scoured the course options in search of an alternative. I ran across a Children In International Development COurse taught by Professor Hanna who specializes in North Africa and the Middle East. I decided to attend the first class and see what I thought. Even the syllabus makes me excited! I can't wait to dive into the reading!! (I am on hold until my advisor approves the swap.)

Like I said before, time will tell what this all means... but one thing is for sure, pay attention to your inclinations. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to adopt and do something for all of the kids in the world who are without parents and/or subject of severe poverty, conflict, or horrible victimization by traffickers and rebel groups. God has a purpose in everything.

Keep me in your prayers as I continue to expose myself to all of the issues of children around the world. It will be easy to be weighed down with what has been. An entire class focused on how kids are used and abused around the world!? What a tragedy!

Professor Hanna happens to focus on a new process of thought in the development community: considering children as resources. It is a concept that I was introduced to through my work at United Way which I believe has great potential to change the outcomes for children around the world.

We often view children, especially orphans and refugees as a burden... to be taken car of and dealt with. Every child is a valuable resource! We can not forget that children are not only our future... but they make up the majority of the population, therefore they are our TODAY.

Stepping off soap box now.

at a loss

I don't really know what to say... and certainly not because I don't have anything to say, but because I am so overwhelmed by all that I need to get off my chest.

This is a preverbal roller coaster ride of emotions. One day you are flying high on your hopes and dreams, the next you are bawling your eyeballs out to a sad tune.

One thing is for sure: grad school is what I thought it would be, I am just not sure if I am ready for it.

I signed up for this because I knew I needed a challenge and I knew I wanted to be pushed. Now that I am face to face with that challenge it is incredibly tempting to run. Run where?

The reality is I would never do such a thing... you know Laura, responsible, dependable, reliable... not going anywhere. That's the real scary part.

To add to the emotional chaos, I need some friends. And not the random people you meet... but the ones you can call when you need to be encouraged... the ones who will call you for more than a drinking buddy. I know it will come with time.

The separation isn't as devastating as you might think... although a Big Jerk burrito would be really nice... it's the lack of new connection. Who really makes that in a week though?

The bottom line is that all is well. I am looking forward to this challenge. It is not a coincidence... I have been placed here and God is going to do some amazing work in me. I chased my lion to DC (Read "In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy day" by Mark Batterson, the pastor of NCC, my church here, to get the reference) and the hard part isn't over. It is probably just beginning.

And so, it has begun....

For those of you who are not aware, I am a full fledged resident of the District of Columbia. I had to get my car registered in order to park on the street outside my house here and to do that I needed new title, tags, etc... which required an inspection, and a new license and therefore I had to register to vote here as well.

We are not in Kansas anymore.

After six hours running around DC with my dad at the wheel, I never want to drive in the city again! We were at the mercy of my parent's new new GPS to get all this crap taken care of so I wouldn't get a ticket parking my car. Roundabout after roundabout... who's idea where those anyway!?

The good news is what took a minivan and my car (packed to the BRIM) to tote up here was unloaded and carried up three flights of stairs in record time. We even had everything unpacked and set up in just over 24 hours. I feel very cozy and at home in my new space. (pics on facebook)

I have to admit that the first night I had to remind myself several times that this was not a vacation and I was not going home in a few days... this is it! Now, it is easier to believe.

This morning we (my landlords and I) went for a walk around the neighborhood and ran into a Fox News van and a few news crews waiting outside one of our neighbors houses. Senator Bayh lives down the street. Apparently all crews are on VP watch and expect to discover something while watching his and his wife's car pull in and out of the driveway. Tim Russert's house is here too. His truck is still parked out front.

I had orientation today and I walked to campus, it took me about 15 minutes. I am going to like this. :)

Orientation was draining, but all is well. We have another day of it tomorrow. Hours upon hours of sitting, listening, digesting... not to mention the general feeling of apprehension you have at a new school. It is almost too much. You meet so many people you can never expect to remember all of their names. It is an interesting experience.

More later, after I debrief.

Nothing New Here

Dear Diary,
Sometimes it's hard to see our own struggles. I may know that all is not well, but I am not able to identify exactly what has put my heart on edge. In this situation, so many thoughts and speculations swirl throughout my brian that it is hard to pinpoint just one that operates as the access point for all the rest.

Last week, in small group (my very last, by the way) we were all struggling with frustration and stress. Instead of venting and whining for two hours (like normal :), Jeni came up with the idea to write them down and them burn them, in symbolic release of the situations and emotions that are weighing us down.

With my pen to paper and a need to formalize what I was struggling with, I began to write... The list looked something like this:

FEAR of failure
FEAR of regret
FEAR of loneliness
FEAR of change

To be honest the list was much longer on that piece of paper but every line began with the common thread...FEAR. Who knew?

In retrospect, I am a little ashamed I had not discovered this sooner. It was plain as day... every emotion that weighed me down was stemming from a fear.

I have been thinking about fear...

"I tell you, my friends, do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have nothing more that they can do. But I will warn you whom to fear: fear him who, after he has killed, has authority to cast into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him! Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows"...

And he said to his disciples, "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!

And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!

And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you.

Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. Provide yourselves with moneybags that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."
Luke 10:4-7, 22-34

Wow, God. You have a lot to say about this....

So first of all, what business do I have fearing my circumstances when God clearly says that the only thing I should be fearing is He who runs the show!

Secondly, how can I fear if I know that God has called me to this next step and He has continually promised to take care of me?

I mean I know what this is, this fear is a lack of trust. It shows my inability to let go and allow God to take care of me.

TRUST. Sounds familiar. I seem to remember admitting this problem before... I guess that is why I made it my word for the year.

Nothing new here!

Identity: Part 1

It's alarming how much people rely on their circumstance to define their identity...

"I am a lawyer"
"I am a janitor"
"I am a Texan"
"I am a Marine"
"I am a sunday school teacher"
"I am rich"
"I am poor"
"I am a wife"
"I am a father"

What happens when these circumstances are removed? I got a glimpse of that this week. I went from being a full-time employee who let herself be defined by her work, her productivity... to a bum. I would like to have thought that my job did not define me, but in reality, when it was removed I found myself searching for an identity.

So, what am I? A graduate student? Well, that gets a lot of interest and praise from other people... but what happens two years from now when that is removed... who will I be then? anything different?

Sure, I will be different BECAUSE of my circumstances. But do they define me? I think not.

If I continue to find my identity in my circumstances I will ultimately hit a wall... once I am done with school I can be an "international traveler" or a "world-changer" in my new job... and sure, It will be fulfilling to receive accolades from others. But what happens when I lose my job? What happens if I can't find one? at some point I will probably be a wife and/or a mother... What if that is removed?

An identity reliant on circumstances that will always shift, is doomed! At some point (as I started to experience this week) you won't have any circumstances to rely on!... or at least that you WANT to identify with.

Then you will realize that your identify is so much more. At least, I hope so.



I am a lost and wandering soul searching for love and acceptance. I am a daughter of the creator who longs to provide that to me, if only I would accept it. I am chronically lonely, yet never alone. I am completely hopeless, yet full of hope. I am a walking contradiction.

Crawling by...

I have been unemployed now for a few days, and even though they have been full of adventures... it still feels like weeks or months.

I am so ready to take this step that I am emotionally removed from this place and most of it's inhabitants. Probably not a healthy thing.

The next week will be crowded with events and I want to enjoy it, fully engaging myself in the here and now.

Despite the emotional distance that I am inserting to protect myself, I have still enjoyed my time. Here are a few of the events of the last few days:
- My first visit to Bald Head Island! I accompanied my brother to the elite vacation destination I have lived only miles form my entire life. (For those of you who do not know you have to make a certain income to own a home on the island and you would be neighbors with the likes of Tom Cruise.) He had to go over for work and I was feeling spontaneous. First of all, you have to take a ferry... no cars on the island. And, big surprise... it costs $15 to get to and from the island. Once you there, unless you want to walk it's entire length you must rent a golf cart for, you got it... $40 for two hours or $60 a day. We were lucky enough to borrow a friend's cart and save the expense. We found where it was parked and where on our way! I watched my brother do his work on the pool at Timber Creek (the 'ghetto' of the island). My sudden burst of spontaneity had left me unprepared. I looked awful funny next to the pool in the suede pointy shoes. I got more than one strange look. It took him longer than expected and we rushed off towards to ocean to get a glimpse of it before we had to get back to the 5:30 ferry. We were not warned about the inhabitants of this cart. We had to share space with a colony of black ants who seemed to like me. Swatting off the little creatures and holding on for dear life, Alan tries his best to fling me off the cart we search for the sea. We finally gave up trying to find an access point and I switched over the the drivers seat (who doesn't want to drive a golf cart every chance they get?). As we made our way back towards the port I noticed the cart losing momentum. You guessed it, on a particularly steep (well, steep for the flat NC coast) section of road the cart stopped completely. Multiple attempts to revive the engine failed and we began to push the cart towards the parking lot at which we found it... all in brand new 'kitten' heel shoes while swatting ants and trying not to die in the heat of the day. Parking has never been my strong suit, much less when you must maneuver and provide the force of motion simultaneously. Thankfully, it only took us 7 attempts to get it in the proper parking space, semi-straight. Immediately we run towards the ferry is an attempt to get off this island as fast as possible. Thankfully, we were spared the extra hour we would have had to wait for the next one. Spontaneity? I will think twice next time.

- Mom and I went shopping in downtown Southport. Not something I get to do often, we spent our time browsing the antique stores and boutiques. I was particularly drawn to a flea market in which I found a wonderful black blazer which I was determined to make my own. I approach the cash register and the thought crosses my mind... "Do you guys accept credit or is it cash only?" ...did I even have to ask? I should have known that something would stand in the way of me and my $4 blazer. I reached for my wallet secretly hopping that two dollar bills would magically appear next tot he two I knew to be in there... no such luck! But I did find two quarters, a dime, two nickels and eight pennies. A dollar fifty to go... I call my mom's cell (She is at the store across the street). She doesn't carry cash either but between her purse and the car we scrounge up another $1.03. I pilfer through he back seat and find another quarter and two pennies... only $.35 to go! I consider begging from strangers but mom encourages me to walk into the Newspaper office two doors down and ask Daniel for the change. So I oblige... "Is Daniel Chaffin here?"...no luck, he left for lunch with a plate of hoagies. Hmmm... "Well, would you guys happen to have $.35 I could borrow... that's the real reason I needed him." I am the proud owner of a $4 black blazer.

- Momma Mia? Um, Pierce Brosnan should never sing, ever again.

- My favorite part of the Olympics Opening ceremony? "You see that girl... she is a stand-in. The girl originally supposed to go that part messed up in rehearsals a few days ago and the executed her." Haha, very funny Guy.

TRUST

You may or may not know this, but my word for this year is TRUST. I feel like God is really teaching me how to rely on Him. A major step in the journey has been taken. I received my very last paycheck for the year (or more) last week. Although, I still have three days left of work, I will not get paid for them.

Money is a security blanket for me. I like to have a stockpile for emergencies. I like to know that I don't have to worry about... so, I worry about it.

I am not someone who needs a lot, just enough to feel safe. What is enough? I have no idea, but I have a feeling I won't have it for quite awhile.

I will be living off of my savings for the rest of this year, at least. It isn't a small amount, but I really need to plan to make it stretch the entire two years since I have no idea what is going to happen. Frugal, I am good at. It's just that constant worry that gets me down.

TRUST. A concept I need some practice at.

I believe that God has called me to this place (I.E. DC). He has provided for my every need in preparation (Housing, Tuition, Church, Contacts...), and I have no reason to think He will not continue to take care of me. He promises He will.

So have a little FAITH, LAURA!

Anyway, three more days of work and then I do not have to get up at 6am to get ready for work, I do not have to drive 45 minutes into Wilmington to the office, and I do not have to spend Sunday dreading the return of the work week... of course, soon enough I will replace those emotions with class... but here's to hopping!