Risk and Reward

I am not much of a risk taker. In fact, most of the time I go out of the way to eliminate risk completely from the equation if it is possible. Anyone who knows me would not hesitate to agree that I am not particularly adventurous, and not necessarily spontaneous. I am a organizer, I am a creature of habit. I plan and place my life very strategically...

For example, if I have a deadline ahead of me, I artificially construct another deadline for myself and treat it as the real one. This way I am always on time (if not early)... Basically, I am the opposite of a procrastinator. Obviously, this effects things like work and school primarily... but I am beginning to see the effects of this mentality and these mannerisms on other aspects of my life.

I have a fear of heights, flames/fire (or even extreme heat)... In reality, I think it's more like a fear of falling and a fear of getting burned. I avoid certain sports that usually involve my own injury, I stay out of water because I get ear infections, I avoid prolonged sun exposure for fear of sun burn, I don't like to be poked because I bruise easily. Now, all of these things may include a good bit of common sense... but you might notice a trend... I don't like to be physically hurt, so I try to eliminate the risk. Going in the sun does not HAVE to equate to sun burn, playing volley ball doesn't mean I WILL jam/break a finger, ridding a water slide does not mean my ear WILL get infected (although, that one is likely).

Finally, I have recently been confronted with the reality that this effects my relationships as well. I don't like to be hurt, (I mean...who does?) so I am pretty strategic in who I invest in. When risk is increased, I tend to move away. When I feel like I might be hurt, I emotionally remove myself from the relationship. I have done this repeatedly with friends for whom I have some reason to mistrust, I completely distance myself and form this shell of a friendship. I don't even bother moving beyond a shallow interaction with people who I don't feel like will fully accept me. This has manifested in several ways... whether I feel the person is too 'cool' or attractive to be friends with me, or too different to relate to me (or vis versa), I give up before I even start, determined it is not worth the risk. I also typically avoid needy people... again, setting yourself up for trouble.

Again, some of this is reasonable and practical. BUT....

Then there are those people that you really invest in, the relationship you have to really put yourself out there for... it's terrifying to me. It's almost easier for me to cut and run sometimes than to imagine how much risk is involved.

This is what I am learning though... yeah, the risk is hard to take, but the reward is pretty darn great.

I guess there are times in your life where you have to seriously evaluate, and even if the risk doesn't always seem worth it... we have to put some faith in God. We can only see so much, we can only see so far. We have no idea what the outcome will be. Our feeble human minds can make calculations based on experience, but little else. Sometimes we have to take a risk, even if there is no known reward.

God's reality, His ways aren't always going to make sense... but I guess we just have to remember that no one loves us like He does. Then we have to give up on our crummy calculations and start taking some steps in faith... walk out on that water. :)