Evidence of my Dorkiness

So.... I know I probably don't need to provide a concise list as proof, I mean... I am sure you are all fully aware of my dork-like qualities, but for both of our amusement, I present the following list of reasons:

1. I would rather listen to NPR than watch TV: I have been this way for awhile... It makes me feel smart.

2. I was an avid teenybopper back in the day... I even have photographic evidence that my walls used to be plastered with boy band paraphernalia.

3. My macked out work computer back in NC had not one, but two giant screens. It's not like I was editing videos or anything...

4. I have more autographs from Contemporary Christian Artists than I would like to admit... (let's put it this way... they don't really fit in the file box I have them stuffed in). Worst part? most of them are on 8x10 glossies... yea, I know.

5. I taught computers to my classmates in first grade. I knew more than my teacher.

6. I have begun to think it tweets. You know... I am on my way to work and I think "Laura doesn't understand commuting traffic."

7. Laura likes to pretend she doesn't... but she totally watches One Tree Hill, even though it's gone to crap.

8. I was totally excited when my Facebook friends went over 300, as if that really means anything...

9. I still have a myspace.

10. My favorite songs to sing are either from Disney Movies or a 90's sitcoms (Little Mermaid to Family Matters!).

The Mall Effect

(Now it's my turn to write a blog inspired by yours, Amanda.)

Marketing 101: Your goal as a marketer is to convince your target consumer that what they have is not adequate and they need your product to be happy.

Honestly, I aced marketing class without even trying. The only reason I didn't pursue marketing (considering it merges multiple interests and skills I have) is that I honestly didn't think I could live with myself. A career or selling people the idea that their lives are insufficient with out some... item or service, seemed doomed to create misery and serious guilt.

This Sunday Pastor Mark spoke about what he termed 'The Mall Effect'. Basically, it's the same idea... you don't even realize you your closet is lacking something until you go the mall and realize that you are in need of an entirely new wardrobe. I have fallen prey to this trap, just like most.

It really is a trap... a set of strategic efforts on the part of advertisers which are designed to confuse you. To make you think that your happiness is dependent on what they have to offer you.

The REALLY sad part is it can work, at least in the temporary sense. I am one of those people who tends to resort to shopping when I am depressed or feeling self-conscience. I have worked hard to curb this habit over the years, but I still fight the urge pretty regularly. But that feeling of have a new item, it really does make you happy (at least it makes ME happy)... but of course, it fades with time.

I guess this is where we should distinguish between happiness and joy. Happiness is the feeling you feel when you are wearing a new pair of shoes... or you see a really good movie. Joy, on the other hand, is that underlying emotion that causes you to seek more out of life, that drives you to have a good attitude, and causes you to see love and hope in the world around you.

It's really, really easy to settle for the quick fix. I mean, I kinda want to go shopping right now. But, I will just have to keep telling myself that those marketers have it wrong, I do not need a new pair of jeans (or, a *ahem* new laptop). It will not make me a happier, cooler or better person. In fact, it will just leave me a little bit poorer, and most likely, ever so slightly more materialistic.

Why is thou moody?

I don't know if it is that I don't deal with change... actually, I think I can handle change, it's the transition part. The time that exists between the way it was and the way it will be, that makes me feel so awkward.

I felt the same way in the weeks between the end of my job and my move to DC. This strange sort of anticipation that leaves you feeling unsettled and anxious.

I am in the process of moving, which amplifies the emotions. On top of not feeling 'at home' at any particular place right now, packing is in progress and I have the time-sensitive and complicated task of of the actual move looming in the near future. It has really brought out the 'planner' in me. In fact, I have the whole thing planned out in hour increments... (insert your laugh here). That's right, there is a schedule. I guess it is how I deal with the stress of it all. Everything has to be done within 24 hours and it requires a strategic balance of schedules and resources. I will be sooooo happy when it is over. I will be incredibly relieved to have a HOME. An actual place where I feel welcome!

It is something I always took for granted. Your environment has a significant effect on you. The unsettled nature of my living situation has been eating at me for awhile. With only a week left, I would hope that it wouldn't be having such an effect on my psyche... But, regardless... soon enough... the transition will be complete and with any luck at all, I will be enjoying a new sense of stability and satisfaction.

The Politics of Love

Remember Myspace? Well, I never understood the concept of 'Top Friends'. You want to know the truth? I have never even really understood the concept of 'best friends'. I find myself using the term, but mostly to clarify the terms of our relationship when discussing it with other people. I often feel the need to distinguish that the nature of our friendship is significantly more deep than a mere acquaintance, or even a casual friendship. That is why you may hear me refer to multiple people as my 'best friend'... yet I almost never refer to them that way in their presence.

So, Myspace forced us to identify the eight people in our lives that were somehow superior to the rest. I am not sure what purpose this served except to create this giant popularity contest. I guess it fits within our culture which feels the need to rank things at every opportunity. I think this is epitomized in the show that used to be (and may still be, I don't have cable, so I don't know)on E! network, fittingly entitled "Rank". Every episode featured a new list of people, categorized and neatly labeled in ascending order.

Why?

Some might call me extreme, but I think that our competitive nature is evidence of our struggle between our nature of insecurity and our nature of pride. It seems everyone has a little of both. I am both incredibly uncertain of my own value, and yet incredibly caught up in myself and my own worth.

This leads to a lot of issues in our lives. We need to feel validated, so we seek fulfillment from other people. We approach relationships as methods of solving our own problems, or our way of receiving the love we are craving. We compete to prove that we are valuable, we devalue others by criticism and insult.

People laugh when I use this example... but I grew up making fun of Baptists at every turn. It was petty jokes... but if I really examine my motives and am honest than myself, I did it because I wanted to feel superior to them in some small way. I needed to feel that even something as unimportant as the denomination I was affiliated with, made me slightly more valuable than the rest of the population.

At this point you may be wondering, why would anyone consider this opinion extreme? Well, the reason is that I see evidence of this in every form of competition. By that I mean.... sports, spelling bees, etc. Why do we need to compete? Why do we watch others compete? Why do we need to identify with a team? Why do we need our team to win? Well, I fundamentally think that these things are evidence of our state as humans seeking love and value in a world full of things that can't give it to us.

We all want to be loved. It's true. We all want to win at board games, we all want out teams to do well, we all want to be good at what we do, we all want to be right, we all want to be on people's 'top friends'... we all want to be worthy of others love and affection. Why?

We were designed that way. We were designed to be loved, to be constantly validated and fulfilled by a perfect, loving God.
But, Adam screwed it up and created this division. God never stopped loving us, but we have been separated in such a way that we aren't constantly aware of it.

So, what do we do? We seek love from those around us... we try and make ourselves more valuable by being good at things, by being funny or attractive... but it doesn't stop there, we need to be the VERY best, the MOST funny, and the MOST attractive. Because we NEED to be loved. The problem is other people are in need of love to, and not really capable of giving it unconditionally. So, we are constantly disappointed.

Top friends... who ever thought that ranking the people in your life was a good idea? How can you quantify relationships like that? And, how did it feel to be excluded, or lower on the totem pole than you thought? And really, what the heck does it matter!? Just because someone may have put 3 people ahead of you doesn't make the relationship you have with that person any less meaningful! It doesn't change a darn thing... all it does is make you aware of something, that I would argue... you were not meant to even consider, much less be aware of.

Inaugural Bliss

You may or may not have noticed, but there has been a lot going on in the DC area the past week or so. Preparations for the biggest Presidential Inauguration in American history have been going on for quite some time and culminated in a massive event which basically deadlocked the entire city for a weekend. There was no use in doing much. Unless you escaped the city completely, you were unlikely to experience much more than cold air and crowds no matter what you were doing.

I personally kept warm the entire weekend by avoiding all festivities. Maybe I will regret this down the road, but I'm not really into crowds or below freezing temperatures, so as of this point... I feel I made the best decision.

Having been heavily involved in the primary campaign within South, and then North Carolina, I do feel a stake in the process and therefore some ownership of the end result. We have a new president, and I think we should rightfully hold onto realistic hope that we can make progress towards a better world. We must expect great things from our new leader, we must pressure him to deliver on his promises, and never take the easy way out.

BUT, and this is a big BUT.... we should not expect a perfect man, we should not expect world peace, and we should not expect to complete four years without some disappointment. No man is perfect. No one can predict the future. A leader must make tough choices, and live with the circumstances. All that we can ask is that they take those choices seriously, that they weigh all options, that they seek wise counsel, and that they make the best decision they can.

We have not elected a messiah, we have elected someone who has the ability to make good decisions and who demonstrates sound judgment. We have elected someone who we trust to put aside the drama of politics and make choices based on reason and logic, and not on ideologies and in the pursuit of power. Now, this is still some lofty language, Obama is not immune from partisan politics... but I think that we all hope that he can blaze a new trail through Washington that shows us a better way of making things happen. Just maybe...

Washington has been an interesting place to be the past few weeks and I am sure it will continue to be for quite awhile... Over the weekend I heard many people comment on how nice everyone was being to each other. References to a real sense of community were made. I am glad people demonstrated such behavior, and I hope it lasts... but we have a long way to go.

What do you think, word for the year: gratitude?

The moment I begin to feel the slightest bit of pity for myself, I get a slap in the face.

This morning I had some time to kill so I decided to review my prayer journal for the past six months or so. This is due in large part to the surplus of time that my lack of internet access (stupid router) has caused me. Can't waste time? So, I actually do something productive... imagine!

A prayer journal, at least in my case, is somewhere were you are truly honest about you opinions and feelings. No reason to hold back... just You and God. Ask for what you want, confess what you need to get off your chest. No need for flowery language or fluff. I have to admit that I didn't remember half of the struggles I apparently had in recent history. It's funny how the lens through which you look at life can be shaded by your current circumstances. I had forgotten how hard it was at first... when I moved here. I had forgotten how I struggled.

It's pretty embarrassing really... I hope no one ever reads it. But, the journal really works to track a path... to see how God is molding you. In what you say, in how you say it... I can see God shaping me.

As I read I was overcome with emotion. God has answered SOOO many of my prayers that I had forgotten I prayed. The completely selfish ones, to the noble attempts at self-less requests. Prayers for me, prayers for family, prayers for friends. Prayers for material things, prayers for peace, prayers for wisdom. I was, I still am, truly in awe of it all... completely humbled. How awesome is it that God is at work in our lives even when we aren't aware of it? How amazing is it that He is working on our behalf to give us what we need AND what we want? How completely ridiculous is it that He does it regardless of our recognition of His efforts, and without an adequate expression of gratitude?

If that isn't love... then what is?

Responsibility

The very tone of the word 'responsibility' sends me into a tailspin these days. It seems like the positive intent of the word has been traded in for passive aggressive manipulation.

What is responsibility? In a tangible sense, it is easily associated with discretion, particularly with your resources, an ability to maintain commitments, and to be *ahem* 'reliable'.

What is the responsible thing to do? Well, to often (in my humble opinion) the responsible option is defined by 'worldly' standards. Which outcome produces the most financial gain? What choice puts me on the track to fulfill my obligation to accomplish the 'American Dream'?

The saddest part is that this mentality can even filter into the church... manipulating our ability to trust God. How often do we deny opportunity for less-risky options, because they 'make sense' materially, or because we allow fear of 'failure'.

Who defines failure? I contend that failure is a word primarily meant to define the opposite of worldly success. I have a hard time thinking of an situation that I would deem a failure in the spiritual sense. All circumstances produce growth and learning that are invaluable.

So, as a church, a body with eyes on the end game... theoretically, we welcome growth as we seek to become better versions of ourselves. Theoretically we have our minds set on the 'kingdom', right? Well, here is the way I have come to see it...

This rat race that the world tells me I have to participate in is a waste of time. If I, at any point, allow myself to get caught up in it, I am immediately bogged down by fears and stresses that remove every bit of joy from my life. This is where that illusive 'freedom in Christ' comes in to play for me... I am free from the fear of failure, and the stress of constant competition because I am able to live in a reality where, as cheesy as it sounds... I am loved regardless of what I look like, how good my grades are, or how much money I make. I can experience happiness without a penny to my name. I can have peace with whatever craziness happens. This is enabled by this weighty term, my 'word' for 2008, TRUST. My trust in Christ comes form his promise to take care of me. I just had to start believing that his plan was not only decent, but a pretty awesome, and that he was capable of making it happen. He proved that to me this year.

I live in a reality where the entire value system is reconstructed. What do I seek in life? Well, in the perfect world I could say I only seek to be who God wants me to be... a more loving, compassionate, wise, person... and where he wants me to go. I don't claim those as my sole pursuits quite yet, but getting rid of my need to be the prettiest, smartest, or WHATEVER it is, is certainly putting me on the right track.

So, back to my point: I am getting really sick of hearing the word 'responsibility' used an excuse from taking a chance. You know, it may not make the most logical sense... it may not be the most financially feasible... it may not even be the most appealing option, but if God is offering you the opportunity to take a chance and do something crazy, to get out of your comfort zone, experience life in a new way... I say DO IT.

The End.

3 States of Being

I was reminded over break how much of a contrast exist between the culturally 'christian' south, and the rest of the world. This subculture that exists among southern church communities, my not be exclusive to them. It seems probable that it extends to most contexts of the south as a whole, but I cannot speak to that from experience.

This significant difference in worldview is highlighted when you are one who has 'left the nest"... returning home for a visit promptly shoves you right into the limelight where you are quickly reminded how differently things work here. You see, there are three states of being among this sub-culture: absolutely single, married, or about to walk down the isle. There does not appear to be an acceptable in-between status.

It's not hard to miss the fact that people tend to get married significantly younger in the south, but it appears this tend is especially common within the church. I think we all might have a guess as to the exact reason for this... but beyond that, I think there might be other factors playing a role.

For the most part, the view of a female is disproportionately skewed, causing parents and children alike to value marriage as a state in which a young girl can be 'taken care of' once she is socially forced to leave the nest. Everyone feels better this way, she will be protected and cared for, and she can develop her skills as a caretaker in preparation for motherhood, which most likely, is coming soon and is certainly of high value. Let's be honest, in theory one might support the development of other interest and skills in young women, but it always seems to fall secondary, to the wayside once a connection is made to an acceptable male. Even in my contact with the strong, independent women in my life, I find significant expectation that I am making progress towards the 'goal' of marriage and baby-making.

Now, I realize I am being terribly, and most likely unfairly, generic. And, please do not assume that I mean this all incredibly negatively, for I am as guilty as the next person sometimes... and I to fall prey to the mentality. So... let's get back on track. Three states of being.

Inevitably, the question comes... "So, have you met someone?"

I dread running into people who I think might ask the question, regardless of what the answer is... Am I wrong in finding it slightly degrading? Maybe I am being overly sensitive, but I especially value the order... does it come before or after the questions about my studies? Even before I left home I must have had a dozen people predict I would "meet someone in DC" as if that was my reason for going. I tried to belittle the emphasis, for their sake as well as for my own. I am not sure I was incredibly successful on either front.

The problem continues once you have left single-hood.... now the pressure is really on. You may have left one nagging question and set of pressures behind, but they have simply been exchanged for a shiny new set. There does not appear to be an aptitude for length or depth of relationship. I blame this on the tendency of my peers down south to marry, not only young, but quickly. Taking a brief mental count of my married friends (which is most of the people I grew up with, by the way) I would say the average *ahem* 'courtship' lasted about 4.7 months (that's if you remove the anomaly of Christy and Daniel, who started dating in their early teens). That's right, 4.7 months!!

I guess that explains a lot. Three states of being: absolutely single, married, or about to walk down the isle. No in-between. I can make accusations all day about how this is unhealthy, and not beneficial. I can rant about people getting married young, or too quickly... but in all honesty, I do not have a right to. It's their life, not mine. I just don't exactly appreciate the way their choices impact me. Who knows what kind of damage the nagging questions have done my psyche? Or maybe, there is no damage at all. How should I know?

My removal from the south and the sub-culture in which I was raised really confirmed my life-long belief that people in the south are crazy. I mean, *ahem* different. I am not sure if I ever really fit in... classmates used to always assume I was a yankee because of my lack of accent, the way I dressed, the food I ate, etc... I would just shake my heard and smirk, "I've lived here my whole life, most likely, longer than you have."