2008: The Best Year Ever?

I guess it is about time for the obligatory "year in review" blog post.

I was talking to a friend last week who had the absolute craziest year ever... At the beginning of the year she had just quit her job and broken up with her boyfriend. She had no idea what she was going to do, but she knew something big was about to happen. She got a job assisting severely handicapped people. In Feb she met Ryan, they were engaged by June and Married by Nov. She traveled out of the country for the first time... to Sudan with me. She was reunited with her father, whom she had not spoken to in years and had immense bitterness towards. He was diagnosed with a brian tumor this summer. He died a few weeks ago. I can't imagine being in Jeni's shoes... looking back at this year realizing how everything changed, her family... who qualifies as her family... her job, life goals, vision. The town she lives in, the church she goes to, the people she hangs out with... everything is different.

Someone suggested to me over break that I have had a similar experience. I am still not convinced that I can compare my year to Jeni's... but it has had it's share of surprises. The real difference is (in usual form) MOST of my changes were planned.

I applied to American University at the end of last year. Jeni was the one who reminded me last week how unlikely it was that I would get in. I was pretty worried about it, I didn't know what I would do if grad school fell through, because it was what I unequivocally felt led to do. I mean, let's be honest... I am not the typical applicant. I was homeschooled. My transcript makes it look like I took 4 years to get my associates at a community college. What it doesn't say is that I started part-time in high-school. I got a strange degree form this small college no one has ever heard of. How could they know that the program was an excellerated degree program designed for people with extensive work experience? I was the the unusual student in those classes, the only one actually college-age. Never doubt God, because against all odds... He came through and I got in. I had the opportunity to talk to the person who decided to let me in earlier this semester. She was one of my professors, and she said that even though I was an unusual student, I had done well at whatever it was that I had done. And apparently, my recommendations were glowing (thanks guys!).

So, I got in... that meant I had to quit my good job, find a place to live and actually make a move to a city... where I didn't know a soul. Did I mention I had lived at home until last July, and even then I was 20 minutes from my parents house? In addition, I had never been in a 'normal' college classroom. I was always with non-traditional students. Now I was going to the biggest, and one of the best foreign relations schools in the world. Talk about shaking it up.

I am still surprised I stayed in NC as long as I did. I had always wanted to leave but God had never let it happen. By this point, I wasn't sure I wanted to leave anymore, but God was pushing me out.

The past four and a half months since I moved have been incredible. My friends back home were reminding me how nervous I was about meeting people. It has always been hard for me to put myself out there, make small talk, and get to know people. I knew I had to overcome so of those shortcomings to make this transition work.

I did everything I could to make the move smooth. I identified the church I wanted to attend before I moved so that I could jump right in. I still remember the first service I went to at Ebz right after my move. I was so awkward and nervous. But, I pushed through... went to every connection for new people I could. E-mailed about a small group and jumped right into it. I even decided to volunteer to help with the service production. But really, the difference was made by God working in me, shaping me and forcing me to grow into the person he needs to be. Apparently, that person needs to be more outgoing.

I find myself gravitating to people who are new to town. I really want to help them settle in and meet people, because I know how much it helped me.

So, anyway... back to the review. At the end of 2008, I find myself looking forward at a life I did not expect, with a community surrounding me I could have never even fathomed, filled with incredible peace and contentment that I have never experienced before.

I thought 2008 was about academics... but, looking back, I think God wanted to teach me about people and about relationships. I thought it was about exploration and adventure, but really I think it was about being content wherever you are. I thought it was about maturity, but honestly, I think God wanted me to chill out and not be afraid to act my age. This year was nothing like I expected it to be.

You MAY remember that instead of making New Years resolutions, my church back in NC encourages people to pick a word for the year. Something that describes how you want to grow in the next 12 months. The first year mine was compassion, and believe you me... it made a dramatic impact on my life. For someone who was born with very little, I have to fight off bleeding heart status sometimes. The next year it was Purpose. I wanted to some vision for my life, even if it was small. In needed to be passionate about something. God transformed my heart in 2007 and gave me incredible vision for my future. That is what led me to apply to grad school in the first place. In 2008 my word was trust. I didn't really know why I picked it until recently. Looking back, I have learned how to let go and trust God on so many levels this year. Jeni reminded me how I used to hold onto things. Yea, I still stress... but there is an underlying peace, that not only makes those hard times easier, but it gives me hope that God will continue to help me increase my trust in him. Maybe one way I won't be a worry wart... who knows. Either way, I had to trust God with everything this year and he has taken care of me. I am so thankful for his provision as I made all of these huge steps of faith this year.

Who knows what 2009 has in store... but I can't imagine how it could top 2008, and the thought that God could have something even better in store, blows my mind. I am praying about my word for this year. When I come up with it, I am sure I will let you know.

Nothing Can Bring me Down

Today has been full of surprises.

I woke up with a start this morning when I realized that I was about to drive my landlord's to the airport in my car which had an empty tank. I visited the gas station at about 5:30am.

After taking care of the airport runs, my short period of relaxation was ended with a phone call from ADT. The alarm had been set off at the house. Of course, this caused me to have to return to it and wait for the police who went in with me to verify no one had entered.

Once settled I reached in my purse and felt something wet. My water bottle had leaked out drenching everything in my bag.... including my camera case with my Powershot inside. It doesn't appear to be operational any longer.

While sifting through my mail I came across a curious looking envelope... it was a letter from a collection agency. Turns out my roommate didn't pay the last electricity bill the apartment. I was no longer living there, but the account was still in my name. Apparently I could have paid without penalty up until the 27th... but since I was gone for so long the letter sat there and my window of opportunity expired. My credit earns it's first scare.

Tack on the paper cut I got while cleaning out some files, and the toe I stubbed taking out the trash and you have the makings of a lousy day. BUT, it is not meant to be... I am so happy to be back in DC that I have let none of these things anger or even frustrate me. In fact, I was so excited about my hummus sandwich for lunch, and my accomplishments while cleaning, that I am prancing around like I just won the lottery.

I am so happy to be back in the city and to see friends again. I am relieved that my living situation has been resolved. I will be moving out when I want and I have an amazing place to live with wonderful roommates. I am excited about the New Year's party tomorrow and making homemade pizza. I am really looking forward to going to church this weekend. I can't wait to ride the metro.

Digital camera's are replaceable, credit can only get you so far... What can I do it about it now anyway? Peace, contentment, joy... those are the things worth dwelling on. Thank you JESUS!

The plight of being the oldest (child AND grandchild) and watching it all change...

Things have changed, and will never be the same.
Christmas morning this year was pretty anti-climactic. My dad had to work, my brother went to his girlfriend's house and both of my cousins were elsewhere. We puttered around until my Aunt and Mike arrived after noon. Then we (big surprise) played cards until dinner was ready.

Nathan and Amanda came back to eat with us, dad was still at work. After stuffing our faces, we (shocker) played more games. Once dad got off work we 'exchanged gifts'. My immediate family didn't buy presents this year because of the cruise, so it was really just the extended family.

Mom and I were discussing why Christmas has never been a big deal in our family, especially the past few years when we started removing gifts and going on cruises. (Honestly, there wasn't a tree at our house or my grandparent's this year.) Dad has always worked shift work, meaning he had no control over whether he would have the day off or not... I mean, we all need electricity on Christmas, so someone has to do it! Therefore, we would always do Christmas when we could... Christmas Eve, the day after, morning, night... whatever. There is not much tradition or consistency involved. We do usually have more family, but now that Josh is in the Marines and I live in DC, it's been next to impossible to coordinate schedules and all end up at the same place at the same time. I am sure this is just the beginning, it will only get more convoluted as more leave the nest and the family spreads out. It really makes me wonder... what will Christmas look like next year? Or, the next?

It carries it's own twisted sense of excitement. Who knows what Christmas in 2009 will look like... and as long as it involves ginger cookies and cranberry casserole, I will be happy.

Critical Cruiser

It's been a long week.
It really does feel like significantly longer than the 8 days we were gone, it even feels longer than the two weeks I spent in Sudan.

Don't read into this too much, it's not that I didn't have a good time... But, I am not sure I was in need of a vacation. Let me explain.

Most people go on a cruise to escape their lives, jobs, school... whatever. To be honest, I spent almost an entire week before the cruise doing virtually whatever I wanted without much obligation in DC. I had finished school and I was enjoying life. So take me from a positive and enjoyable situation and stick me on a boat, in a room with my brother (who I get a long well with... at a distance), and give me little to do but watch lame variety shows and lay on the beach, and you might understand why I prefer my normal life.

Not many people can say that, that they prefer their normal life to most vacation options. I consider myself extremely blessed that I enjoy my day to day so immensely. (BUT, let me clarify... other vacation options would change the landscape of this conversation. The Caribbean doesn't appear to be my cup of tea, I mean... I had more fun in Sudan. What's wrong with that picture?)

Most people who go on a cruise dread it's ending. Well, I had another week of doing nothing, Christmas, and seeing my NC friends to look forward to... so needless to say, I was excited for the the next step. Not to mention, my entire journey climaxes with my return to DC, which is equally appealing.

The entire experience was amplified by a personal discovery: I have gotten used to living by myself and doing what I want to do... not something that translates particularly well to suddenly reverting back to family life. "Yes, I would like to hold my own passport."

Regardless of it all, I worked hard to enjoy myself, and that included watching a LOT of movies and playing a LOT of cards. Seriously, if I wasn't doing one of those, I was eating or sleeping. Therefore, I managed to make it a pretty relaxing vacation. In fact, I am going to have to work to get back some productivity habits. Oh, and the scenery wasn't half bad...

Honestly, cruises are all about indulgence. Whether it's eating excessively, tanning constantly, drinking 24 hours a day... a cruise encourages a complete abandonment of moderation. Even I fell prey to the 4 course meal and 24-hour buffet... I am going to have to wean my appetite back to normal. Talk about being slapped with the reality of consumerism and the entitlement mentality.

On the way home Wall-E was playing on the plane. Although 'over the top'... after being on a cruise, I had to chuckle at the red flag the minds at Pixar were trying to raise. I think people would be shocked at how close we can get... just go on cruise.

Hot and Humid

I am sitting in a ultra-modern, super nice hotel room in San Juan Puerto rico right now. I am trying not to sweat, listening to some of my tunes on or complimentary iHome, glancing at the infinity pool out the window that drops off into the ocean and endless starry sky... while police sirens blare in the background.

"Well, this IS Puerto Rico"

They are partying downstairs like an episode of My Super Sweet Sixteen set in Miami. I, on the other hand am savoring my last moments of technological connection to the rest of the world by checking my Facebook on my mom's laptop (I didn't even bring mine). Sad, I know. The worst part is... I will probably go straight to bed once I am done here.

I knew it would be hard for me to disconnect, but I am anticipating a larger challenge than I originally thought.

We were in the San Juan airport waiting for our baggage and I kept hearing the ring my phone does when I receive a text message. At every ring, I compulsively reached for my pocket before reminding myself that my phone was safely turned off in my bag (to avoid excessive roaming charges and such). We got into our taxi, and again I heard the noise. After falsely accusing Jeff of ignoring his phone, I realized that in fact,= my phone had gotten turned on in my bag and it was I who was receiving text messages. Unfortunately, they were from an unfamiliar number and someone who really loves Caitlyn... because they have reiterated it in every text they have sent me over the past month regardless of my consistent lack of response. STOP TEXTING ME.

Anyway, I have returned my phone to it's off position and I am crossing my fingers that Caitlyn's lover hasn't costs me an arm and a leg in fees. In the meantime I am going to pull myself away from this screen and enjoy the first part of my vacation by sleeping when, and for as long as I want.

If only the air-conditioner wold kick in...

connectivity

After 2.5 years, my laptop... which I fondly refer to as Granny Smith (only when people aren't around, of course) failed me. Long story short, I was left incapacitated for about 12 hours while the Apple Store waited for the needed part to arrive.

12 hours without my computer. Doesn't sound like that big of a deal, right?

You know, the funny thing is my phone has access to my e-mail, facebook and twitter... so there was no real lack of connection. Therefore, why the heck did I feel lost and alone? (Ok, that might be a bit of an exaggeration... MAYBE.)

It's really sad. My phone died about 2 hours ago because of my extensive use of it... my attempts to feel connected. It will be interesting to see how I do on the cruise. It's not like I haven't been on one before... I mean I spend 2 weeks in the freaking Sudanese desert... but for some reason, it seems like it's gotten harder. I blame the blackberry. Crackberry is right!

Finals and faith

The stress has gone to my head, specifically my face... in the form of, what seems like, a million little red, painful, bumps.

The best cure for acne? A vacation in the sun... which just happens to be what I will be doing in a little over a week, whether or not I would like to.

Finals has been an interesting experience. I really should be spending my weekend and most of next week in the library like the rest of my fellow graduate students, but staying true to my style... I crammed it all in a few days and submitted them all long before the deadline. Dragging things out has never brought me happiness, or restful sleep. Sanity is worth more than perfection, right?

Therefore I find myself (pretty much) free from school for my last week in town. It's really hard to believe that the semester is over. Last night was our last week of small group for the semester and I had a hard time believing that I had already been living in DC four months! 1/4 of my masters is already completed...

It's funny how much your perspective changes with time. I am starting to think that my move to DC was less about academic advancement than it is about personal growth and relationships. I mean, I guess most experiences are that way. As relational beings we are built to value people first. Education in isolation won't find you happiness... it isn't necessary to accomplish God's will. He doesn't need books or knowledge to make your life meaningful for His glory. We all know that he didn't necessarily use the smartest, prettiest, or richest people in the Bible. In fact, they tend to be the ones stirring up trouble.

So perspective... it's certainly not stagnant... and that's the fun of it. I mean honestly, what kind of adventure would life be if things didn't change, if we weren't shifting in our view of the world, growing in understanding, and changing it up a bit?

I would probably be less stressed... but, most likely... bored.

So... Chase the lion!... or the goose!.... or, whatever.

dito

I have written about this before... actually more than once before... but it always a interesting topic to wrestle with so we are going at it again. To be honest, I need a refresher.

Prayer. It has always been a rather ambiguous concept to me. Why do we pray for things we want when God is going to do what He wants to do, what is best? I mean ultimately, that's what we want. I mean, I would rather the guy who can see the end game make the calls and not my simple mind which is stuck in the bounds of time and has no idea what the future holds, and therefore what is best... so what we end up in is this cycle of "God, make my desires like Yours"... and "Thy will be done" like prayers. Which being to get annoyingly redundant, if I am honest. If you are anything like me, it is something like "I would really like this, but do whatever you want and help me be OK with it."

So, why do we even ask for things? It isn't like he doesn't know exactly what we want. I mean, I understand the value of communication and the use of prayer as a tool of relationship building... but honestly... does saying a prayer for my sick dog count as relationship development? Not really.

Awhile back I had a conversation like this with my mentor. She said something profound that has changed my view of prayer. We ask because God loves us so much he wants to give it to us. He wants to bless us! Pastor Mark reiterated this in his sermon this week. God, by nature is a gift-giver who wants to bless us abundantly with everything we can ask or even think of. It's easy to view God more like a machine than a person with emotions. We can get caught up in the mechanical sense of prayer and miss the relational aspects. Yea, God knows what we want. He doesn't need us to tell him, but as a loving being who desires relationship with us more passionately than we can comprehend, I could see how he might appreciate an attempt to communicate that desire. I can even begin to conceive how he might desire to give it to us... so much so that he might be tempted (I mean if He could actually be tempted) to give it to us, even if it is detrimental to us in the long run. Not to sound cliche, but like a parent. Kind of like how you ask for really expensive or ridiculous presents for Christmas that they will never get you, but you put them on the list or hint at them, just in case.

So, Now I feel better about it. I feel purposeful in asking God for exactly what I want. I just couple it with a prayer for wisdom and understanding that He continues to shape my desires into something that resembles His own, and for the peace and complete contentment no matter the outcome. Ultimately, increased wisdom and maturity.

And the bonus is that once you have actually asked God for something, you will recognize his involvement when you receive it. As Pastor Mike used to say, gratitude is a HUGE aspect of spiritual maturity, and ultimately integral to a joyful existence.