Next Chapter: Blogless

JUNE... Really!?

I started this blog as a documentation of my transition to DC in June of last year. Has it really been that long?

In some ways it feels like it was yesterday, but in some ways it feels like another lifetime. My life is certainly different in a multitude of ways and its hard to believe that so much can change in a year.

The other day I sifted through some old journals and blogs. I was trying to remind myself what life was like a year, or two years ago. The emotions I felt, the activities I participated in, the struggles I was dealing with, the things that filled my life... I had a really hard time accomplishing my goal. It was nearly impossible to erase all that has happened for a few moments and put myself in that person's shoes.

Who knows what it all means, I have given up on understanding the method behind the madness.

Although I am sure I will continue to take "next steps" and enter "new seasons," I have a feeling it might be time to close this chapter.... label it "transition" and move on. Who knows what the next chapter will be titled, or what plot changes in may entail. Who knows... maybe I will be inclined to start a new blog to document it, but don't hold your breath... I am a little blogged (and twittered and facebooked) out at the moment. So, as I close this chapter, I close this blog.




:(... I know, I know.

Risk and Reward

I am not much of a risk taker. In fact, most of the time I go out of the way to eliminate risk completely from the equation if it is possible. Anyone who knows me would not hesitate to agree that I am not particularly adventurous, and not necessarily spontaneous. I am a organizer, I am a creature of habit. I plan and place my life very strategically...

For example, if I have a deadline ahead of me, I artificially construct another deadline for myself and treat it as the real one. This way I am always on time (if not early)... Basically, I am the opposite of a procrastinator. Obviously, this effects things like work and school primarily... but I am beginning to see the effects of this mentality and these mannerisms on other aspects of my life.

I have a fear of heights, flames/fire (or even extreme heat)... In reality, I think it's more like a fear of falling and a fear of getting burned. I avoid certain sports that usually involve my own injury, I stay out of water because I get ear infections, I avoid prolonged sun exposure for fear of sun burn, I don't like to be poked because I bruise easily. Now, all of these things may include a good bit of common sense... but you might notice a trend... I don't like to be physically hurt, so I try to eliminate the risk. Going in the sun does not HAVE to equate to sun burn, playing volley ball doesn't mean I WILL jam/break a finger, ridding a water slide does not mean my ear WILL get infected (although, that one is likely).

Finally, I have recently been confronted with the reality that this effects my relationships as well. I don't like to be hurt, (I mean...who does?) so I am pretty strategic in who I invest in. When risk is increased, I tend to move away. When I feel like I might be hurt, I emotionally remove myself from the relationship. I have done this repeatedly with friends for whom I have some reason to mistrust, I completely distance myself and form this shell of a friendship. I don't even bother moving beyond a shallow interaction with people who I don't feel like will fully accept me. This has manifested in several ways... whether I feel the person is too 'cool' or attractive to be friends with me, or too different to relate to me (or vis versa), I give up before I even start, determined it is not worth the risk. I also typically avoid needy people... again, setting yourself up for trouble.

Again, some of this is reasonable and practical. BUT....

Then there are those people that you really invest in, the relationship you have to really put yourself out there for... it's terrifying to me. It's almost easier for me to cut and run sometimes than to imagine how much risk is involved.

This is what I am learning though... yeah, the risk is hard to take, but the reward is pretty darn great.

I guess there are times in your life where you have to seriously evaluate, and even if the risk doesn't always seem worth it... we have to put some faith in God. We can only see so much, we can only see so far. We have no idea what the outcome will be. Our feeble human minds can make calculations based on experience, but little else. Sometimes we have to take a risk, even if there is no known reward.

God's reality, His ways aren't always going to make sense... but I guess we just have to remember that no one loves us like He does. Then we have to give up on our crummy calculations and start taking some steps in faith... walk out on that water. :)

Influence

In my last post I mentioned some pretty familiar names, some big 'influencers' in the world... Mother Theresa, Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr. and Nelson Mandela have managed to have an influence of MANY people worldwide their work in changing the world, and making it a better place.

Pastor Mark asked us a question this week in church... Who has had the greatest influence on you? Chances are it's someone that I have never even heard of.

Sometimes its easy to glamorize the people who accomplish some big, well-publicized task, and we forget the value of everyday people who accomplish great things all the time. It easy to forget that the people who really make a difference do so on a personal level through relationships.

Obedience is key. Like I said before, we just have to focus on this 'love' thing and if we really digest and apply it, our lives would be changed. We may not make headlines for solving poverty or world peace, but we WILL effect peoples lives... We just have to make sure it is for the better.

How I decided to pursue becoming a little Christ

I said the sinners prayer when I was eight.
I didn't really take ownership of my faith until about ten years later, when I really asked myself the question... what does it mean to be a 'Christian'?

Growing up in church culture I had head/seen/used the word in many forms. It seemed to mean someone who went to church, read their Bible and prayed. Someone who probably didn't drink, smoke or cuss. All the people I knew who called themselves Christians squirmed at the mention of sex, and especially homosexuality. Every single one of them voted Republican. I mean, at least the real Christians did. Mostly I just heard the word 'Christian' used as an adjective you attach to things... You know, a magazine, a book, a radio station or a CD. At 18, I was confused... did Christianity even exist outside church buildings and Christian bookstores? Cause everything else seemed to be a little sketchy to me. All this talk about 'the world' and avoiding it was confusing.

I opened my bible to Matthew and started reading... what does it mean to be a Christian? Well, first thing... did you know they Jesus never used the term Christian? Apparently it was a name that people started to identify Jesus' followers after he left earth, while they were going around preaching and healing people. They called themselves followers of The Way. (Combine that name with all the rumors flying around about how they ate flesh and drank blood and you could imagine the level of confusion that arose. Sounds super sketch, huh?) Anyway, people started calling them Christians, which literally means 'little Christ's'. Apparently there was some controversy surrounding the title because the followers of The Way didn't necessarily think they were worthy of such a tittle. But, apparently something about them must have resembled Jesus' life one earth, because otherwise they wouldn't have been given the name.

Obviously, it stuck. It seems to me that the meaning has been diluted over the years. Not only do we throw the title around without serious consideration for it's true meaning... we started calling objects 'little Christ's'... you know, magazines... CD's. I don't know about you, but I am more than a little uncomfortable calling a person a little Christ, much less assigning the title to a piece of paper.

So, what does it mean to be a Christian? Well, It seems to me the direct definition is to BE a little Christ... to follow the example Jesus set, and live life as he demonstrated for us and how he told us to while he was here on earth.

...If only that was a simple task.

While I was reading through Matthew, the subsequent gospels and then the writings of Paul, I took very specific notes. I listed everything that gave me guidance on how to live.

Yeah, it was a LONG list. An entire notebook to be exact.

But you know, as I started to analyze this list I realized that I had been doing it pretty wrong. The focus had always been on what we are not supposed to do. But after careful consideration I had a thought, maybe we should weigh things by how much Jesus said them. See, it seems to me that Jesus is trying to tell us to DO something... I mean, he repeated it over and over. It seems like he wants us to love, and not just people at church... but everyone. Once I realized that I started to think about what that would mean. If we really loved people, most of the rest of the stuff we are supposed to do would come as a by product. Similarly, it seemed like the stuff we are not supposed to do probably wouldn't happen as much. And you know what else is funny, he didn't seem to go to church very often.

At 18 I was finally evaluating my faith and I discovered something a little surprising.. I was going to like being a Christian. Like most, I had become disenchanted with church politics and religion. I was looking for something that gave my life purpose and it seemed to me that Jesus did that. I mean, what better thing to live for than love? I started thinking about all of the people I admired in the world... you know, Mother Theresa, Gandhi, MLK, Nelson Mandela... What did they have in common? Well, They lived for a purpose beyond themselves. They put themselves in harms way, gave up material possessions and did what was right. They helped people, they demonstrated something real, something I could get excited about living for.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that Jesus was even better than all of them. He was truly selfless, the only one capable of really loving unconditionally. Suddenly, I realized that I wanted to be a little Christ! I mean Jesus was a pretty sweet dude, If I could be half the person he was I will change the world. But, you know what... I realized that don't have to. All I need to do is love people and show them God loves them too. All I have to do is change a few people's lives by showing them what is real worth living for. ... I will leave the changing the world stuff to the pros.

Where did it all begin?

Someone asked me the other day why I have such a passion for traveling, Africa, and modern slavery. It was a reasonable question... I mean, I grew up in the same state, same county, same small town, even the same house. Most of my family hasn't even left the country except for a few Caribbean ports from a cruise ship. I was homeschooled, only exposed to a limited cross-section of people on a daily basis. Pretty sheltered. My parents are really into politics... I didn't grow up around much poverty or even awareness of slavery or human trafficking. It's a good question. How in the world did I end up here?

Today I was browsing wikipedia, thinking about how interesting this paper I am writing on African dictators is going to be. It's a great opportunity to wrap my head around the political progression of the continent after colonialism... and then I thought, why the heck do I care!?

When I was asked that first question I gave a patched-up response... maybe it was the fact that I grew up in a church that focused on world missions and constantly exposed me to the work of people around the world and the needs they were trying to meet. Maybe it was the fact that my Aunt and Uncle moved to Kenya when I was about 10 to plant a church. My grandparents decided to go visit them and I begged to tag along. So at 11, my first time on a plane (much less my first time out of the country) was to Africa. Maybe it was the fact that most of the kids I grew up with went on missions trips, mostly with this crazy organization called Teen Missions International which sent you abroad for more than a month in the summer. Not about to be left behind, I went the first year I was of a reasonable age. So... before I turned 15 I had been to 3 continents.

It wasn't until years later that I would mentally solidify my interests and decide to pursue them professionally, but I had caught the bug. People look at you differently... when a 15 year old can tell stories of her train journeys across Scandinavia and straddling the equator in Kenya, they earn a new level of respect in people's eyes. I had already seen more than the rest of my family combined and I loved every minute of it. Part of it was pride, part of me decided to attach these things I had done to my identity. I mean, what teenager isn't searching for somewhere to belong, something to belong to?

But I discovered something else, I was willing to make great sacrifices to travel. I was willing to give up a lot to take another journey and have another experience. The exposure is what led to my direction. It's not like I woke up one day and decided to care about world hunger... seeing people in need, REALLY in need... changes you. I just reached a point where everything else seemed kind of meaningless. Every other endeavor, every other career path I could imagine that did not include helping those people I had seen suffering, seemed ridiculous and miserable.

Anyway, I embraced it. Started taking every trip I could and my life goals started to revolve around these experiences and desires. Next thing you know, I am in grad school in DC studying world peace (well, something like that).

I am still not sure how it all happened. I wake up some mornings in shock, wondering how I got here. But, I love what I do. I even love what I study (heh... I just don't care for tests and papers).

I may not be able to point to a logical reason why I have this passion, but I have no doubt that it was strategically placed in me, and I am not complaining.

Three days until we are reunited....

Hormonal Rant

Sometimes I am amazed by the human body. OK, let's be more specific... sometimes I am frustrated at my own female body and it's vulnerability to hormone changes.

Let's not beat around the bush... we all know that about once a month, each female goes through a hormone imbalance that can lead to a mood swing, increased sensitivity and overactive emotions. I am one of the lucky few who rarely experiences a significant mood-based effects. But these things come at a trade off. For example, I don't get cramps... but I get nausea.

So what am I stuck with in exchange for my relative emotional stability during these cycles? Well, It's slightly awkward... but I had surgery awhile back and had to go on 'the pill' for a few months. At first I was unaware of the side-effect... but my family spotted it early on. I might not have extreme mood swings on a monthly basis, but the entire time I was on the pill was one GIANT mood swing (obviously, this doesn't bode well for my future). I didn't really believe them (them being my family and their insistence that I was imbalanced and not just reasonably frustrated at the stupidity of people) until I went off the pill... suddenly I just felt much more pleasant, more satisfied with my life and in general, less irritated at the people around me. Hm, maybe they had a point?

Recently I made a trip to the dermatologist who prescribed me some antibiotics for my skin. These pills are a relative to birth control. Having been on them before, I did not anticipate a problem. I am still not completely convinced... but in the last 24 hours I have cried 3 times and gotten more frustrated at multiple people than I can remember getting upset at in the last 6 months or so! Not a good sign, eh?

Well, only 28 days of pills left to go. :)

Like I said, I have been on these meds before... now I can't help but wonder if some of the issues I dealt with last spring were compounded by this medication. Hmmm....

It's really interesting to me, how hormones can so drastically effect you mood, but more specifically your responses to people and events. Generally, a even-keeled person (I mean, I *think* I am) I am astonished to realize I can so easily be transformed into an emotional wreck by one comment or even just the tone of a voice. These episodes of spontaneous tears have baffled me... the same situation just a week ago would have resulted in a shrug of the shoulders and MAYBE a disapproving sigh... certainly not an outburst of liquid emotion and subsequent brooding.

I know the female body is designed this way for a reason... but let's be honest, it sucks. No one wants to be transformed into a hormonal mess and no one wants to deal with someone when they have been transformed to such. You know, with all of the medical advances we have made, you would think someone would have figured out a way to get this under control. In the meantime, I guess I need to get a dose of some reality and some more Jesus in my life to help keep these hormones under wraps.

Feel free to steer clear :)