Next Steps & New Seasons

Next Chapter: Blogless

2009-06-01T07:27:00.000-07:00

JUNE... Really!?

I started this blog as a documentation of my transition to DC in June of last year. Has it really been that long?

In some ways it feels like it was yesterday, but in some ways it feels like another lifetime. My life is certainly different in a multitude of ways and its hard to believe that so much can change in a year.

The other day I sifted through some old journals and blogs. I was trying to remind myself what life was like a year, or two years ago. The emotions I felt, the activities I participated in, the struggles I was dealing with, the things that filled my life... I had a really hard time accomplishing my goal. It was nearly impossible to erase all that has happened for a few moments and put myself in that person's shoes.

Who knows what it all means, I have given up on understanding the method behind the madness.

Although I am sure I will continue to take "next steps" and enter "new seasons," I have a feeling it might be time to close this chapter.... label it "transition" and move on. Who knows what the next chapter will be titled, or what plot changes in may entail. Who knows... maybe I will be inclined to start a new blog to document it, but don't hold your breath... I am a little blogged (and twittered and facebooked) out at the moment. So, as I close this chapter, I close this blog.

:(... I know, I know.

Risk and Reward

2009-05-19T09:13:00.000-07:00

I am not much of a risk taker. In fact, most of the time I go out of the way to eliminate risk completely from the equation if it is possible. Anyone who knows me would not hesitate to agree that I am not particularly adventurous, and not necessarily spontaneous. I am a organizer, I am a creature of habit. I plan and place my life very strategically...

For example, if I have a deadline ahead of me, I artificially construct another deadline for myself and treat it as the real one. This way I am always on time (if not early)... Basically, I am the opposite of a procrastinator. Obviously, this effects things like work and school primarily... but I am beginning to see the effects of this mentality and these mannerisms on other aspects of my life.

I have a fear of heights, flames/fire (or even extreme heat)... In reality, I think it's more like a fear of falling and a fear of getting burned. I avoid certain sports that usually involve my own injury, I stay out of water because I get ear infections, I avoid prolonged sun exposure for fear of sun burn, I don't like to be poked because I bruise easily. Now, all of these things may include a good bit of common sense... but you might notice a trend... I don't like to be physically hurt, so I try to eliminate the risk. Going in the sun does not HAVE to equate to sun burn, playing volley ball doesn't mean I WILL jam/break a finger, ridding a water slide does not mean my ear WILL get infected (although, that one is likely).

Finally, I have recently been confronted with the reality that this effects my relationships as well. I don't like to be hurt, (I mean...who does?) so I am pretty strategic in who I invest in. When risk is increased, I tend to move away. When I feel like I might be hurt, I emotionally remove myself from the relationship. I have done this repeatedly with friends for whom I have some reason to mistrust, I completely distance myself and form this shell of a friendship. I don't even bother moving beyond a shallow interaction with people who I don't feel like will fully accept me. This has manifested in several ways... whether I feel the person is too 'cool' or attractive to be friends with me, or too different to relate to me (or vis versa), I give up before I even start, determined it is not worth the risk. I also typically avoid needy people... again, setting yourself up for trouble.

Again, some of this is reasonable and practical. BUT....

Then there are those people that you really invest in, the relationship you have to really put yourself out there for... it's terrifying to me. It's almost easier for me to cut and run sometimes than to imagine how much risk is involved.

This is what I am learning though... yeah, the risk is hard to take, but the reward is pretty darn great.

I guess there are times in your life where you have to seriously evaluate, and even if the risk doesn't always seem worth it... we have to put some faith in God. We can only see so much, we can only see so far. We have no idea what the outcome will be. Our feeble human minds can make calculations based on experience, but little else. Sometimes we have to take a risk, even if there is no known reward.

God's reality, His ways aren't always going to make sense... but I guess we just have to remember that no one loves us like He does. Then we have to give up on our crummy calculations and start taking some steps in faith... walk out on that water. :)

Influence

2009-04-26T11:55:00.000-07:00

In my last post I mentioned some pretty familiar names, some big 'influencers' in the world... Mother Theresa, Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr. and Nelson Mandela have managed to have an influence of MANY people worldwide their work in changing the world, and making it a better place.

Pastor Mark asked us a question this week in church... Who has had the greatest influence on you? Chances are it's someone that I have never even heard of.

Sometimes its easy to glamorize the people who accomplish some big, well-publicized task, and we forget the value of everyday people who accomplish great things all the time. It easy to forget that the people who really make a difference do so on a personal level through relationships.

Obedience is key. Like I said before, we just have to focus on this 'love' thing and if we really digest and apply it, our lives would be changed. We may not make headlines for solving poverty or world peace, but we WILL effect peoples lives... We just have to make sure it is for the better.

How I decided to pursue becoming a little Christ

2009-04-22T09:09:00.000-07:00

I said the sinners prayer when I was eight.
I didn't really take ownership of my faith until about ten years later, when I really asked myself the question... what does it mean to be a 'Christian'?

Growing up in church culture I had head/seen/used the word in many forms. It seemed to mean someone who went to church, read their Bible and prayed. Someone who probably didn't drink, smoke or cuss. All the people I knew who called themselves Christians squirmed at the mention of sex, and especially homosexuality. Every single one of them voted Republican. I mean, at least the real Christians did. Mostly I just heard the word 'Christian' used as an adjective you attach to things... You know, a magazine, a book, a radio station or a CD. At 18, I was confused... did Christianity even exist outside church buildings and Christian bookstores? Cause everything else seemed to be a little sketchy to me. All this talk about 'the world' and avoiding it was confusing.

I opened my bible to Matthew and started reading... what does it mean to be a Christian? Well, first thing... did you know they Jesus never used the term Christian? Apparently it was a name that people started to identify Jesus' followers after he left earth, while they were going around preaching and healing people. They called themselves followers of The Way. (Combine that name with all the rumors flying around about how they ate flesh and drank blood and you could imagine the level of confusion that arose. Sounds super sketch, huh?) Anyway, people started calling them Christians, which literally means 'little Christ's'. Apparently there was some controversy surrounding the title because the followers of The Way didn't necessarily think they were worthy of such a tittle. But, apparently something about them must have resembled Jesus' life one earth, because otherwise they wouldn't have been given the name.

Obviously, it stuck. It seems to me that the meaning has been diluted over the years. Not only do we throw the title around without serious consideration for it's true meaning... we started calling objects 'little Christ's'... you know, magazines... CD's. I don't know about you, but I am more than a little uncomfortable calling a person a little Christ, much less assigning the title to a piece of paper.

So, what does it mean to be a Christian? Well, It seems to me the direct definition is to BE a little Christ... to follow the example Jesus set, and live life as he demonstrated for us and how he told us to while he was here on earth.

...If only that was a simple task.

While I was reading through Matthew, the subsequent gospels and then the writings of Paul, I took very specific notes. I listed everything that gave me guidance on how to live.

Yeah, it was a LONG list. An entire notebook to be exact.

But you know, as I started to analyze this list I realized that I had been doing it pretty wrong. The focus had always been on what we are not supposed to do. But after careful consideration I had a thought, maybe we should weigh things by how much Jesus said them. See, it seems to me that Jesus is trying to tell us to DO something... I mean, he repeated it over and over. It seems like he wants us to love, and not just people at church... but everyone. Once I realized that I started to think about what that would mean. If we really loved people, most of the rest of the stuff we are supposed to do would come as a by product. Similarly, it seemed like the stuff we are not supposed to do probably wouldn't happen as much. And you know what else is funny, he didn't seem to go to church very often.

At 18 I was finally evaluating my faith and I discovered something a little surprising.. I was going to like being a Christian. Like most, I had become disenchanted with church politics and religion. I was looking for something that gave my life purpose and it seemed to me that Jesus did that. I mean, what better thing to live for than love? I started thinking about all of the people I admired in the world... you know, Mother Theresa, Gandhi, MLK, Nelson Mandela... What did they have in common? Well, They lived for a purpose beyond themselves. They put themselves in harms way, gave up material possessions and did what was right. They helped people, they demonstrated something real, something I could get excited about living for.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that Jesus was even better than all of them. He was truly selfless, the only one capable of really loving unconditionally. Suddenly, I realized that I wanted to be a little Christ! I mean Jesus was a pretty sweet dude, If I could be half the person he was I will change the world. But, you know what... I realized that don't have to. All I need to do is love people and show them God loves them too. All I have to do is change a few people's lives by showing them what is real worth living for. ... I will leave the changing the world stuff to the pros.

Where did it all begin?

2009-04-14T08:08:00.001-07:00

Someone asked me the other day why I have such a passion for traveling, Africa, and modern slavery. It was a reasonable question... I mean, I grew up in the same state, same county, same small town, even the same house. Most of my family hasn't even left the country except for a few Caribbean ports from a cruise ship. I was homeschooled, only exposed to a limited cross-section of people on a daily basis. Pretty sheltered. My parents are really into politics... I didn't grow up around much poverty or even awareness of slavery or human trafficking. It's a good question. How in the world did I end up here?

Today I was browsing wikipedia, thinking about how interesting this paper I am writing on African dictators is going to be. It's a great opportunity to wrap my head around the political progression of the continent after colonialism... and then I thought, why the heck do I care!?

When I was asked that first question I gave a patched-up response... maybe it was the fact that I grew up in a church that focused on world missions and constantly exposed me to the work of people around the world and the needs they were trying to meet. Maybe it was the fact that my Aunt and Uncle moved to Kenya when I was about 10 to plant a church. My grandparents decided to go visit them and I begged to tag along. So at 11, my first time on a plane (much less my first time out of the country) was to Africa. Maybe it was the fact that most of the kids I grew up with went on missions trips, mostly with this crazy organization called Teen Missions International which sent you abroad for more than a month in the summer. Not about to be left behind, I went the first year I was of a reasonable age. So... before I turned 15 I had been to 3 continents.

It wasn't until years later that I would mentally solidify my interests and decide to pursue them professionally, but I had caught the bug. People look at you differently... when a 15 year old can tell stories of her train journeys across Scandinavia and straddling the equator in Kenya, they earn a new level of respect in people's eyes. I had already seen more than the rest of my family combined and I loved every minute of it. Part of it was pride, part of me decided to attach these things I had done to my identity. I mean, what teenager isn't searching for somewhere to belong, something to belong to?

But I discovered something else, I was willing to make great sacrifices to travel. I was willing to give up a lot to take another journey and have another experience. The exposure is what led to my direction. It's not like I woke up one day and decided to care about world hunger... seeing people in need, REALLY in need... changes you. I just reached a point where everything else seemed kind of meaningless. Every other endeavor, every other career path I could imagine that did not include helping those people I had seen suffering, seemed ridiculous and miserable.

Anyway, I embraced it. Started taking every trip I could and my life goals started to revolve around these experiences and desires. Next thing you know, I am in grad school in DC studying world peace (well, something like that).

I am still not sure how it all happened. I wake up some mornings in shock, wondering how I got here. But, I love what I do. I even love what I study (heh... I just don't care for tests and papers).

I may not be able to point to a logical reason why I have this passion, but I have no doubt that it was strategically placed in me, and I am not complaining.

2009-04-06T18:58:00.000-07:00

Three days until we are reunited....

Hormonal Rant

2009-04-03T09:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am amazed by the human body. OK, let's be more specific... sometimes I am frustrated at my own female body and it's vulnerability to hormone changes.

Let's not beat around the bush... we all know that about once a month, each female goes through a hormone imbalance that can lead to a mood swing, increased sensitivity and overactive emotions. I am one of the lucky few who rarely experiences a significant mood-based effects. But these things come at a trade off. For example, I don't get cramps... but I get nausea.

So what am I stuck with in exchange for my relative emotional stability during these cycles? Well, It's slightly awkward... but I had surgery awhile back and had to go on 'the pill' for a few months. At first I was unaware of the side-effect... but my family spotted it early on. I might not have extreme mood swings on a monthly basis, but the entire time I was on the pill was one GIANT mood swing (obviously, this doesn't bode well for my future). I didn't really believe them (them being my family and their insistence that I was imbalanced and not just reasonably frustrated at the stupidity of people) until I went off the pill... suddenly I just felt much more pleasant, more satisfied with my life and in general, less irritated at the people around me. Hm, maybe they had a point?

Recently I made a trip to the dermatologist who prescribed me some antibiotics for my skin. These pills are a relative to birth control. Having been on them before, I did not anticipate a problem. I am still not completely convinced... but in the last 24 hours I have cried 3 times and gotten more frustrated at multiple people than I can remember getting upset at in the last 6 months or so! Not a good sign, eh?

Well, only 28 days of pills left to go. :)

Like I said, I have been on these meds before... now I can't help but wonder if some of the issues I dealt with last spring were compounded by this medication. Hmmm....

It's really interesting to me, how hormones can so drastically effect you mood, but more specifically your responses to people and events. Generally, a even-keeled person (I mean, I *think* I am) I am astonished to realize I can so easily be transformed into an emotional wreck by one comment or even just the tone of a voice. These episodes of spontaneous tears have baffled me... the same situation just a week ago would have resulted in a shrug of the shoulders and MAYBE a disapproving sigh... certainly not an outburst of liquid emotion and subsequent brooding.

I know the female body is designed this way for a reason... but let's be honest, it sucks. No one wants to be transformed into a hormonal mess and no one wants to deal with someone when they have been transformed to such. You know, with all of the medical advances we have made, you would think someone would have figured out a way to get this under control. In the meantime, I guess I need to get a dose of some reality and some more Jesus in my life to help keep these hormones under wraps.

Feel free to steer clear :)

Who really cares about paradigms, traditions and theories? How about we talk about how to actually fix the problems in the world!?

2009-04-02T06:37:00.001-07:00

Sometimes it feels like the goal of education is to create clones. OK, maybe not education per say, but school. I mean, let's evaluate. How do you do well (I.E. get good grades)? Well, I would know because I have this art mastered... you figure out what your teacher wants and you give it to them. Now, I don't mean doing the assignments and following directions... I mean the process of evaluation you have to go through to gauge a teacher and identify what topics/methods/styles they are drawn to.

This semester I had a realization... I don't want to be like my teacher. I don't want to write like my teacher, I don't even want to think like my teacher. When I gave up trying to write a paper FOR my teacher, and completed the assignment it like I would write it on my own (regardless of who was grading it), and in a way that actually reflects my ideas and in my own style... that actually made me CARE... I stopped doing so well.

But, I refuse to do it anymore. I refuse to pretend to be something I am not. If I can't get perfect grades being who I am, caring what I care about and not pretending to care about things that I don't, then I will live with my lower GPA thank you very much. I am never going to be an academic or care about political theory. I am never going to intelligently discuss hugely vague philosophical topics without tangible application. I am never going to throw big vocabulary words and theoretical concepts into class discussion. And honestly, I don't want to be that person. EVER. I kinda like who I am... and we certainly don't need a world of people trying to prove their academic superiority. And we certainly need some people wired to actually APPLY these ideas instead of just discussing them all day.

It's really frustrating to me that the most valuable and liberating aspect of our lives, the gift of education which is supposed to allow us to be who we are and pursue what we love, has been diluted with systems which break down your individuality.

Rant ended.

You Can Do It

2009-03-27T09:33:00.000-07:00

I just finished registration for the fall semester. I am happy to report I was able to get into all of my first choice classes. I will spend the majority of my semester focusing on African conflicts and politics... couldn't ask for much better than that.

Day 1 on grad school.... I looked around the class. Those in their first semester had been asked to raise their hands... a method of singling us out in some sort of sick game to make the first day even more awkward and intimidating than it already was. I gave a longing glance at my neighbor. A dark-haired professional looking female, appearing to be in her mid twenties. She seemed to have it all together, large notebook opened and highlighters posied, she just seemed comfortable here. I felt like a pony at the rodeo. It was her second year. It was like 4th grade all over again, staring at the middle schoolers... thinking how much bigger and more mature they seemed, wondering if I would ever make it to 6th grade, or get boobs.

Somehow, it appears I have almost completed my first year. As I consider my second, I laugh at the ridiculous impression I started grad school with. That girl? Turns out she is just as lost in my ethics class as me. Turns out she hates her job and she gets pimples too. So HA!

Umm, well... it also seems that grad school is only as hard as you make it for yourself. It turns out that schooling can actually be about learning and not about getting a grade. The grad school grading curve gives you a choice... you can either take it seriously, get your moneys worth and try and learn something... or you can hobble through in a state on numbness turning in half-hearted assignments. (this semester I chose the later path, but I am hoping to upgrade.) The truth is, either way you will probably get the same grade.

Day 1 of second semester? I plan on making eye contact with that brand new anxious, over-achiever... I may even pat um on the back and say "You deserve to be here. If I can do it, you can do it."

Spring Inspired Office Fever

2009-03-23T17:49:00.000-07:00

I have never had such a hard time sitting still. It could have been the 6 hours I had spent planted in front on my computer screen listening to an overly-peppy instructor explain the most tedious and basic tasks of data entry as if we were 4th graders… or it could have been the way the sun came in through my 7th story window enticing me to go outside and enjoy its warmth. It didn’t help that I could make longing glances a lone tree, starting to reveal its lovely cherry blossom blooms amidst the otherwise bland mess of concrete within my view.

Spring carries new meaning in DC. On the coast the only major difference we experienced between winter and spring was very slightly greener grass (more from the increase in rain than the shift in weather) and the occasional azalea bush blossoming for a week before dropping it’s pink blooms onto the ground. The sandy ground only really grows evergreen pine trees and half-dead grass year around.

DC experiencing a drastic transformation where lonely and bare branches are quite suddenly flooded with pastel blossoms ad miraculously the color of the entire city is transformed.

I’m not exaggerating.

Along with the change in color, comes a change in mood. DCers emerge from their homes and cars and start roaming the streets, parks and monuments. BUT only temporarily, for alas… starting this weekend any locals will retreat public places as the city is bombarded with tourists of all types. They stay about a month I am heard, until the cherry blossoms disappear. That’s right… we get approximately 3.5 days to enjoy the onset of spring before we must return to our homes and bunker down until the end of the tourist invasion. Or something like that…
Doesn’t quite seem fair to me.

Regardless, it will be hard to remove the joy of spring as even the simplest task… commuting, grocery shopping, gazing out your office window… all will be enhanced by the multitude of cherry blossom trees so nicely disbursed throughout the city…. Even in the areas tourist don’t venture. We may only have a few, but we cherish every one.

Providence?

2009-03-20T11:25:00.000-07:00

There has been a lot of talk of providence recently. Sometimes life lines right up in a way we would never expect and we can see how we have been guided to this point.

That's it... I mean, everything that happens to us DOES bring us where we are, to WHO we are.

It's almost like a giant puzzle. One day we get a new piece put in place and we see a bit more of the big picture.

Sometimes I dwell on the future for just a minute longer than I should and I wonder, what the image will look like in a year, or five.

Later Life of Leisure

2009-03-13T13:18:00.000-07:00

I took the plunge a few months back... from full-time employee to full-time student. It was quite an adjustment. I went from the one with no free time, to having more than I knew what to do with. But, of course... it wasn't long until I found ways to fill my days. Now I am completely accustomed to leisurely weekdays. I have even learned how to sleep in and how to completely waste time... random trips to target, spontaneous baking... you name it. Unfortunately, that makes it harder to transition back into the work world. Now, I will be a full-time employee AND a full-time student.... hmmm, I wonder how this is going to work out?

The good news is I will not have a heavy school load until the fall and I am only working 6 hours per day in the office. So, there is no reason I can not handle this... right? I mean people do this all the time, even people with families to care for!

Yesterday was my last weekday of freedom. I checked everything off of my to do list... my taxes, an oil change, a doctors appointment, etc. When exactly am I going to get this stuff done from now on, I am not sure. But somehow, I think I will manage.

I am actually looking forward to regaining some productivity. I am a highly efficient person who has fallen prey to some laziness with all of this free time. I am especially looking forward to having a steady paycheck once more.

I have kind of been prepping for the transition for the last few weeks... making less commitments, kinda scaling back on my social calendar. Didn't want to shock my system. We will see how that worked out for me. heh.

DreamLife

2009-03-04T09:38:00.000-08:00

I am known for having strangely detailed, vivid and bizarre dreams. Like the time I dreamed about my entire future from each of my five kids career paths to the way I decorated my retirement home on the waterfront in downtown Wilmington. Yea, that detailed.

My dreams are very inconsistent though... I have vague and foggy ones as well. It's a mixed bag really. What I don't often have is "bad" dreams. Or anything really negative even. I had a nightmare once, when I was around the age of 12 and all it really involved was a fall into a never ending black hole... I have avoided watching Zorro every since (don't ask). I have had a few dreams where I am being chased, but it never seems like the situation is that serious as I usually find myself a nice cozy corner to crouch in, or a cabinet to crawl in to, and I am happy. (Hmmmm....what does that mean?)

But what I had night before last (Tuesday, early morning actually), was a new thing entirely. I have had friends who have dreams effected by their physical body, for example a friend who would dream she only had one leg if she fell asleep with her legs crossed. But I have rarely heard of people's bodies being effected by their dreams. But maybe, I am just sheltered.

In my dream I received such bad news that it physically hurt, so much in fact that it woke me up and until I realized it wasn't reality, I continued to feel the pain. It would be one thing if it had been a physical injury... but it was an emotional pain. Strange, huh?

What was even stranger was the way it effected me. It wasn't necessarily on my mind throughout the day, but my mood was certainly altered. Melancholy... sensitive... emotionally unstable...

I mean, it was just a dream. But something about it seemed so real. It FELT so real. It makes you wonder, how much of our dreams is really based on reality or at least a possible reality? How much of our dreams stem from our hopes and fears? I tend to think they are random... and if you had my dreams, you probably would as well... but sometimes I have to really question it.

Anyway, in the future I will try not to let dreams control my mood. Somehow, I don't think it's healthy... or fair to the people around me who have to put up with it.

SNOW DAY

2009-03-03T06:54:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we awoke to a wonderful 6' blanket of snow... adventures ensued: http://www.vimeo.com/3449537

Unfortunately, I was suffering from some minor frostbite that kept me from fully participating. Instead I spent 90% of the time rotating my ankles and wiggling my toes on alternate feet to maintain feeling in my lower exterminates. Regardless, it was quite enjoyable. :)

Here's a link to the Facebook album as well: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2005796&id=108800682&l=81c46

Bittersweet Gratitude

2009-02-27T06:40:00.000-08:00

I had it all planned... the last few days I have been coming to terms with the awesomeness that is my life and feeling amazingly grateful and blessed. I was going to write this glowing blog entry full of reasons why all of my dreams have come true and how God has given me more than I ever even hoped. And then it happened....

I am going to maintain my MO of being strategically vague and elusive, because it didn't happen to me and it isn't my place to share.... but it kind of rocked my world. It reminded me of the uncertainty of life and of love... you think you know, but you don't necessarily have a clue.

Divorce seems like the most tragic thing to me. Something you thought would last forever comes to a screeching halt. I can't imagine being blind-sighted by the person you love and have decided to sped your life with, it must feel ridiculously horrible. Something with the permanence of marriage (although I know it doesn't have much of a societal permanence at this point) just being taken away...

It really makes you question things. How can you know if something is going to last? How can you know if love is real?

Well, regardless of my mental shift I have A LOT to be grateful for and I think it would still be a good idea to share them:

1. I live in an awesome city. This is amazing on a few levels... one, that after my first attempt to leave NC, I have found resounding success. Two, I was able to make my way to the 'big' city, like I always wanted (although DC was not high on the list) with diversity in culture, ogles of opportunity, and yet it still feels small enough to be communal on some level. I never would have guessed DC would be such a great place. I also never would have thought I could feel so at home here in such a short amount of time.

2. I am in freakin' grad school. How did this happen? I used to hate school... I was basically pulled kicking and screaming to the finish line for my bachelors and yet something possessed me to take it to the next level. I am still in shock whenever I realize that I will be able to put MA next to my name in a little over a year.... not that I would though, that would be lame.

3. I live in community. Sometimes when I get up in the morning now I am so overwhelmed I can hardly stand it. It's hard to really describe or put a finger on, but I love living with people and around people and formulating this loose communal, neighborhood bond. I love the fact that people are over to my house all the time... I love the fact that we eat meals together regularly. I love the fact that people are always playing instruments and singing. I love the fact that I am surrounded by artistic people who can share and create together.

4. I have an awesome J-O-B. When in think back to the reason WHY I came to grad school... it was because I wanted to make the move from domestic nonprofit work to international. I wanted to work in an organization that was doing hands-on work abroad. I wanted the opportunity to travel and to feel like I was making a difference on the issues that matter to me in, and outside the US. DC is a rough town for jobs... it's highly competitive and everyone is trying to break in this market. My end goal was to get in the door of a nonprofit working with child soldiers, or the bigger issue of modern slavery. I was worried it wouldn't happen. Well, graduation day is still a year off and somehow that has already happened. And the paychecks will start coming soon... I am blown away.

5. I have the most amazing friends and family. Both here in DC and back home I am surrounded by people who continue to amaze me and show me unconditional love and acceptance, whether I deserve it or not. Sometimes I can't believe that I have so many people to call... so many people who would drop what they are doing to help me when I am in need. So many people who have invested in me and in my life and made me who I am.

6. And the moment you have been waiting for (this is for you Joe)... I have the most amazing boyfriend ever. When I came to DC, a lot of people 'knew' I would meet someone... I wasn't so sure, but I guess they were right. I am so thankful that someone like Ryan even exists, because I wasn't always convinced. Even though I feel completely inadequate to be in a relationship, I am thankful he has the patience to let me learn as we go and to just... be there, supporting me when I need him and encouraging me to be *ahem* reasonable, and a better version of myself.

Ok, so that's the end of my book on gratitude... to be honest at this point I am living the life I always wanted and I feel like I have nothing to complain about. It's overwhelming really. It's also good to be reminded that it's only by God's grace and mercy, and that things won't always be so perfect... The upside is that each trial has a purpose, the purpose of making me into who I need to be... that better version of myself. So, I am choosing to be thankful for what I have now, thankful for what I have been through to get me to this point, and aware that I don't deserve any of it. Because if God wants to take it all away tomorrow, if that's what needs to happen... I mean, it will suck... but...

Employment

2009-02-25T10:11:00.000-08:00

... and so it begins. My period of unemployment was enjoyable while it lasted... sleeping in, enjoying leisurely walks, immense amounts of free time for hanging, movie watching, cooking/baking, and pilates. All good things must come to an end. I guess I should be more joyful, I mean I can finally stop depleting my savings, maybe even make some purchases (a much needed macbook) and pay off some school debt... but I am beginning to feel that income might be more restricting than it is liberating.

Money is a funny thing. It can bring security, opportunity... but it can quickly consume you. And I don't mean in a "I have to have more!" sort of way, it just makes you more aware of your financial situation and therefore, if you are anything like me, more concerned (most likely, needlessly). Even though I made NO money during the last 7 months, I worried about monetary issues less than I have in a long time.

March 16th marks a new day, a new job. I am very thankful for the opportunity, it is perfect for me and my stage in life. I am thankful for the income which might enable me to eradicate my debt sooner than planned. It will be interesting to see how the balance works out... with working 30 hours, going to school full-time and having a social life. I have been able to balance a lot before, but I have become lazy in my time off and I am out of practice. Let's just hope psycho-planner Laura stays under wraps. :)

4o+ days of Lent

2009-02-23T18:11:00.001-08:00

I can’t say that I have ever participated in Lent before. I have certainly fasted, but not necessarily within the bounds of the 40-day season leading up to Easter. I have taken part in a few media fasts in my day, I have even gone whole-hog and given up all food for periods of time (I am pretty sure I have never made it more than a week). I have also had dietary restrictions… (but never for Jesus.)

Food and I have an interesting relationship. I go through phases… I can experience everything from complete control of my eating habits to the absence of anything resembling control. Although it may not manifest itself in immense weight gain… I can certainly lose the capacity to make wise choices or curb my cravings for baked goods.

Self-control is a fruit of the spirit. It is a pretty vital aspect of health, and spiritual growth. After realizing that my newfound access to a well-equipped kitchen and the ability (long denied me) to bake all kinds of goodies, I realized that my cravings for sugary desserts and sweet carbohydrates had gotten just beyond my control.

Hence, I have begun my first 40-day Lent-ian adventure into the world of self-denial and (hopefully) control. The list is long (no alcohol, caffeine, white starches, dairy…) and completely doable. I mean I used to eat this way by choice… but only 48 hours in, I must admit that it is harder than I thought it would be. I had become more accustomed to dietary anarchy than I had realized. I have found myself craving things I don’t even like, or haven’t eaten in years… I wanted to tear a bagel out of a friend’s hand… I really want the spaghetti served at a random restaurant back home that closed more than 5 years ago… Oh, and sopapias… I forgot they existed.

Anyway, I refuse to indulge my fat-kid mentality by dwelling on my illogical cravings any longer. Instead, I will focus on the happy thought of hummus, at least it is still allowed.

The truth is, I already feel better. AND, I am sure a few more days in and I won’t believe that I had fallen so far of the self-control bandwagon.

The hardest part will be the lack of cheese… oh, how I love thee.

So, in the vein of spiritual discipline, I am supplementing my denial with an addition, or maybe just the attempt to regulate what I already do. I have become slack at (prayer) journal writing and such, and I desire to make it a daily practice yet again.

So this Lent I hope to come out the other end a slightly improved version of myself. We will see how that works…

Either way, at the end, my first meal is going to be a Flaming Amy’s burrito. No joke.

Another Way America Has it Wrong

2009-02-13T10:01:00.000-08:00

I had no idea how hard it was to live by yourself... until I started living with people again.

It was a strange transition. Moving from NC, where I had ALWAYS lived, and lived with 2+ people, I didn't know what was affecting me more... the new city, not knowing anyone, still getting established, stress of grad school, stress of no income, finding an internship... It was impossible to pick out the effects of living alone and separate them from any number of reasons for emotional distress. Now, that I live in with people again (and on a whole new level of 'community'... BUNK BEDS, 'nuf said), I am beginning to realize how much living alone had affected my psyche. I am not made for it.

So, pardon my "Blue Like Jazz" reference... but Donald Miller has a few things to say about the importance on living in community and I am finding new appreciation for them, and their validity. Community is entirely undervalued in our society. I can't even count the number of people who said one of the following when I informed them of my new living arrangement:

1) "I love living by myself, I don't want to live with roommates again... you know, until I get married"
2) "I could never share a room!"
3) "You better be sure you will get along with your roommates, especially if you are sharing a room"

Now, I understand that independence carries a unique level of value in American culture, especially in comparison to most of the world, which is communal in nature, but I am not convinced it is a good idea. It's like Donald Miller says... living with people teaches you how to live with people.

When I read the three statements above, I realize the level of selfishness that is acceptable, and even encouraged in our society. If we can't live with other people, even people we won't always see eye-to-eye with... what does that say about us?

Anyway, I think I have made my point without rambling on in some self-righteous rant. The moral of the story: I like living with people.

... and on a lighter note.

2009-02-04T09:40:00.000-08:00

Last night in class we watched the documentary Taxi to the Dark Side. It's the story of an Afghan taxi driver who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He was picked up during a sweep, as were his two passengers, and instantly detained without charge. He was effectively tortured for weeks in Baghram until he eventually died from extensive tissue damage in his legs. The guards say they would knee prisoners in the thigh when they were combative. Admittedly, the MP's say that the taxi driver spent too much time crying and praying and it was annoying them. It turns out he had no connections to any known terrorist or terrorist attack. He just had some bad luck.

Since 9/11, we have detained over 38,000 people... and only a few of them have had charges brought against them or a trial (and not until very recently). It appears that many of them were interrogated using vile tactics. I could go into details about the methods used, but for both of our sakes... I will not.

Watching this movie was not my ideal way of spending my evening and it certainly didn't leave you with much emotional at all, except anger. The thing is, the filmmakers want you to blame the Bush administration. (And DO NOT get me wrong, I do... Ultimately they were the enabling factor in this equation that led to these extensive human rights abuses.) The thing is, we have to look beyond the administration and ask ourselves a question... How did we get to this point? How did we let this happen? Our government is a response to us. Ultimately, we hold responsibility for what happens.

I used to be a huge 24 fan. I mean, honestly I still watch it... just not the with adamant fervor I once did. I realized one day that the fact that Jack Bauer could get me cheering for him to pull someone's finger nail off, really disturbed me. Media does a good job of desensitizing us in many ways, this is not the least of them.

In Taxi to the Dark Side, they interviewed some interrogators who had been prosecuted for Abu Ghraib. All of them stated that they had not received proper training and were really unaware of what was expected of them, except one thing: get the information. They called the detainees PUC's (prisoners under custody) and readily admitted they went to great lengths to dehumanize them. They didn't have names, they had numbers.

I know I might have a radical view, but I believe that every human begin is born with basic human dignity, that has rights. Human rights, as they exist today in international law, are actually based on scripture! It doesn't matter whether they speak your language, have your skin color or religion. It doesn't matter if they are poor or are dressed funny... they are just as human as you are and they should be treated as such.

We all know by now that information collected through torture is unreliable and invalid in a court of law. We all know that it's illegal and we all know that its 'wrong'... but a large percentage of Americans seem to believe that circumstances exist where those rule smuts be broken and something must be done. I mean, just ask FOX... their ratings are through the roof. Is media to blame? Does media change perception or reflect perception? Should I feel guilty for enjoying TV for it's entertainment value? Should we demand a better standard form our television?

I don't know... What comes first, the chicken or the egg?

Well, statistics show us that the % of Americans who think that circumstances exist where torture is necessary has increased dramatically in the past decade. The question is whether that has anything to do with media, or with the actual state of the world and the events of 2001 and the war on terror.

Anyway, I can't offer any answers. In fact, I don't even know that I will stop watching 24, but I hope that at the very least, I will not be rooting for Jack when he decides to take an interrogation too far. At least, not any more...

Kickoff

2009-02-02T10:36:00.000-08:00

Who won the Super Bowl? Well, in my opinion it was a decisive victory for Flaming Amy's, whose amazing salsa goodness made the night very special for some unsuspecting DC residents. I was lucky enough to receive a special delivery from my mom who had made the journey northward to help me move this weekend. Obviously, feeling generous... Mom also surprised with another amazing gift... a brand new waffle maker! What are you doing Saturday morning? Well, I am making WAFFLES!

Today has been an amazing relief. I think that I was beginning to think that my stressful state during the last few weeks was semi-permanent. But, after a great night's rest on my own mattress (for the first time since I moved to DC), a good breakfast, and a super easy/short commute to my internship... I am loving life living in NE.

I just feel good... like relieved and satisfied. Peaceful. I have left a phase of life behind and I couldn't be more ready to explore the next one.

After only a few hours of residency, we held a Super Bowl watching party at our place... which turned out to be a lot less about watching the Super Bowl than socializing. As it should be, in my opinion. The only reason I even kept track of the score was to inform my little brother, who was driving back to NC, of the games progress.

Evidence of my Dorkiness

2009-01-30T11:23:00.000-08:00

So.... I know I probably don't need to provide a concise list as proof, I mean... I am sure you are all fully aware of my dork-like qualities, but for both of our amusement, I present the following list of reasons:

1. I would rather listen to NPR than watch TV: I have been this way for awhile... It makes me feel smart.

2. I was an avid teenybopper back in the day... I even have photographic evidence that my walls used to be plastered with boy band paraphernalia.

3. My macked out work computer back in NC had not one, but two giant screens. It's not like I was editing videos or anything...

4. I have more autographs from Contemporary Christian Artists than I would like to admit... (let's put it this way... they don't really fit in the file box I have them stuffed in). Worst part? most of them are on 8x10 glossies... yea, I know.

5. I taught computers to my classmates in first grade. I knew more than my teacher.

6. I have begun to think it tweets. You know... I am on my way to work and I think "Laura doesn't understand commuting traffic."

7. Laura likes to pretend she doesn't... but she totally watches One Tree Hill, even though it's gone to crap.

8. I was totally excited when my Facebook friends went over 300, as if that really means anything...

9. I still have a myspace.

10. My favorite songs to sing are either from Disney Movies or a 90's sitcoms (Little Mermaid to Family Matters!).

The Mall Effect

2009-01-26T09:02:00.001-08:00

(Now it's my turn to write a blog inspired by yours, Amanda.)

Marketing 101: Your goal as a marketer is to convince your target consumer that what they have is not adequate and they need your product to be happy.

Honestly, I aced marketing class without even trying. The only reason I didn't pursue marketing (considering it merges multiple interests and skills I have) is that I honestly didn't think I could live with myself. A career or selling people the idea that their lives are insufficient with out some... item or service, seemed doomed to create misery and serious guilt.

This Sunday Pastor Mark spoke about what he termed 'The Mall Effect'. Basically, it's the same idea... you don't even realize you your closet is lacking something until you go the mall and realize that you are in need of an entirely new wardrobe. I have fallen prey to this trap, just like most.

It really is a trap... a set of strategic efforts on the part of advertisers which are designed to confuse you. To make you think that your happiness is dependent on what they have to offer you.

The REALLY sad part is it can work, at least in the temporary sense. I am one of those people who tends to resort to shopping when I am depressed or feeling self-conscience. I have worked hard to curb this habit over the years, but I still fight the urge pretty regularly. But that feeling of have a new item, it really does make you happy (at least it makes ME happy)... but of course, it fades with time.

I guess this is where we should distinguish between happiness and joy. Happiness is the feeling you feel when you are wearing a new pair of shoes... or you see a really good movie. Joy, on the other hand, is that underlying emotion that causes you to seek more out of life, that drives you to have a good attitude, and causes you to see love and hope in the world around you.

It's really, really easy to settle for the quick fix. I mean, I kinda want to go shopping right now. But, I will just have to keep telling myself that those marketers have it wrong, I do not need a new pair of jeans (or, a *ahem* new laptop). It will not make me a happier, cooler or better person. In fact, it will just leave me a little bit poorer, and most likely, ever so slightly more materialistic.

Why is thou moody?

2009-01-24T10:08:00.000-08:00

I don't know if it is that I don't deal with change... actually, I think I can handle change, it's the transition part. The time that exists between the way it was and the way it will be, that makes me feel so awkward.

I felt the same way in the weeks between the end of my job and my move to DC. This strange sort of anticipation that leaves you feeling unsettled and anxious.

I am in the process of moving, which amplifies the emotions. On top of not feeling 'at home' at any particular place right now, packing is in progress and I have the time-sensitive and complicated task of of the actual move looming in the near future. It has really brought out the 'planner' in me. In fact, I have the whole thing planned out in hour increments... (insert your laugh here). That's right, there is a schedule. I guess it is how I deal with the stress of it all. Everything has to be done within 24 hours and it requires a strategic balance of schedules and resources. I will be sooooo happy when it is over. I will be incredibly relieved to have a HOME. An actual place where I feel welcome!

It is something I always took for granted. Your environment has a significant effect on you. The unsettled nature of my living situation has been eating at me for awhile. With only a week left, I would hope that it wouldn't be having such an effect on my psyche... But, regardless... soon enough... the transition will be complete and with any luck at all, I will be enjoying a new sense of stability and satisfaction.

The Politics of Love

2009-01-22T13:08:00.001-08:00

Remember Myspace? Well, I never understood the concept of 'Top Friends'. You want to know the truth? I have never even really understood the concept of 'best friends'. I find myself using the term, but mostly to clarify the terms of our relationship when discussing it with other people. I often feel the need to distinguish that the nature of our friendship is significantly more deep than a mere acquaintance, or even a casual friendship. That is why you may hear me refer to multiple people as my 'best friend'... yet I almost never refer to them that way in their presence.

So, Myspace forced us to identify the eight people in our lives that were somehow superior to the rest. I am not sure what purpose this served except to create this giant popularity contest. I guess it fits within our culture which feels the need to rank things at every opportunity. I think this is epitomized in the show that used to be (and may still be, I don't have cable, so I don't know)on E! network, fittingly entitled "Rank". Every episode featured a new list of people, categorized and neatly labeled in ascending order.

Why?

Some might call me extreme, but I think that our competitive nature is evidence of our struggle between our nature of insecurity and our nature of pride. It seems everyone has a little of both. I am both incredibly uncertain of my own value, and yet incredibly caught up in myself and my own worth.

This leads to a lot of issues in our lives. We need to feel validated, so we seek fulfillment from other people. We approach relationships as methods of solving our own problems, or our way of receiving the love we are craving. We compete to prove that we are valuable, we devalue others by criticism and insult.

People laugh when I use this example... but I grew up making fun of Baptists at every turn. It was petty jokes... but if I really examine my motives and am honest than myself, I did it because I wanted to feel superior to them in some small way. I needed to feel that even something as unimportant as the denomination I was affiliated with, made me slightly more valuable than the rest of the population.

At this point you may be wondering, why would anyone consider this opinion extreme? Well, the reason is that I see evidence of this in every form of competition. By that I mean.... sports, spelling bees, etc. Why do we need to compete? Why do we watch others compete? Why do we need to identify with a team? Why do we need our team to win? Well, I fundamentally think that these things are evidence of our state as humans seeking love and value in a world full of things that can't give it to us.

We all want to be loved. It's true. We all want to win at board games, we all want out teams to do well, we all want to be good at what we do, we all want to be right, we all want to be on people's 'top friends'... we all want to be worthy of others love and affection. Why?

We were designed that way. We were designed to be loved, to be constantly validated and fulfilled by a perfect, loving God.
But, Adam screwed it up and created this division. God never stopped loving us, but we have been separated in such a way that we aren't constantly aware of it.

So, what do we do? We seek love from those around us... we try and make ourselves more valuable by being good at things, by being funny or attractive... but it doesn't stop there, we need to be the VERY best, the MOST funny, and the MOST attractive. Because we NEED to be loved. The problem is other people are in need of love to, and not really capable of giving it unconditionally. So, we are constantly disappointed.

Top friends... who ever thought that ranking the people in your life was a good idea? How can you quantify relationships like that? And, how did it feel to be excluded, or lower on the totem pole than you thought? And really, what the heck does it matter!? Just because someone may have put 3 people ahead of you doesn't make the relationship you have with that person any less meaningful! It doesn't change a darn thing... all it does is make you aware of something, that I would argue... you were not meant to even consider, much less be aware of.

Inaugural Bliss

2009-01-21T12:13:00.000-08:00

You may or may not have noticed, but there has been a lot going on in the DC area the past week or so. Preparations for the biggest Presidential Inauguration in American history have been going on for quite some time and culminated in a massive event which basically deadlocked the entire city for a weekend. There was no use in doing much. Unless you escaped the city completely, you were unlikely to experience much more than cold air and crowds no matter what you were doing.

I personally kept warm the entire weekend by avoiding all festivities. Maybe I will regret this down the road, but I'm not really into crowds or below freezing temperatures, so as of this point... I feel I made the best decision.

Having been heavily involved in the primary campaign within South, and then North Carolina, I do feel a stake in the process and therefore some ownership of the end result. We have a new president, and I think we should rightfully hold onto realistic hope that we can make progress towards a better world. We must expect great things from our new leader, we must pressure him to deliver on his promises, and never take the easy way out.

BUT, and this is a big BUT.... we should not expect a perfect man, we should not expect world peace, and we should not expect to complete four years without some disappointment. No man is perfect. No one can predict the future. A leader must make tough choices, and live with the circumstances. All that we can ask is that they take those choices seriously, that they weigh all options, that they seek wise counsel, and that they make the best decision they can.

We have not elected a messiah, we have elected someone who has the ability to make good decisions and who demonstrates sound judgment. We have elected someone who we trust to put aside the drama of politics and make choices based on reason and logic, and not on ideologies and in the pursuit of power. Now, this is still some lofty language, Obama is not immune from partisan politics... but I think that we all hope that he can blaze a new trail through Washington that shows us a better way of making things happen. Just maybe...

Washington has been an interesting place to be the past few weeks and I am sure it will continue to be for quite awhile... Over the weekend I heard many people comment on how nice everyone was being to each other. References to a real sense of community were made. I am glad people demonstrated such behavior, and I hope it lasts... but we have a long way to go.

What do you think, word for the year: gratitude?

2009-01-09T08:54:00.000-08:00

The moment I begin to feel the slightest bit of pity for myself, I get a slap in the face.

This morning I had some time to kill so I decided to review my prayer journal for the past six months or so. This is due in large part to the surplus of time that my lack of internet access (stupid router) has caused me. Can't waste time? So, I actually do something productive... imagine!

A prayer journal, at least in my case, is somewhere were you are truly honest about you opinions and feelings. No reason to hold back... just You and God. Ask for what you want, confess what you need to get off your chest. No need for flowery language or fluff. I have to admit that I didn't remember half of the struggles I apparently had in recent history. It's funny how the lens through which you look at life can be shaded by your current circumstances. I had forgotten how hard it was at first... when I moved here. I had forgotten how I struggled.

It's pretty embarrassing really... I hope no one ever reads it. But, the journal really works to track a path... to see how God is molding you. In what you say, in how you say it... I can see God shaping me.

As I read I was overcome with emotion. God has answered SOOO many of my prayers that I had forgotten I prayed. The completely selfish ones, to the noble attempts at self-less requests. Prayers for me, prayers for family, prayers for friends. Prayers for material things, prayers for peace, prayers for wisdom. I was, I still am, truly in awe of it all... completely humbled. How awesome is it that God is at work in our lives even when we aren't aware of it? How amazing is it that He is working on our behalf to give us what we need AND what we want? How completely ridiculous is it that He does it regardless of our recognition of His efforts, and without an adequate expression of gratitude?

If that isn't love... then what is?

Responsibility

2009-01-08T15:32:00.000-08:00

The very tone of the word 'responsibility' sends me into a tailspin these days. It seems like the positive intent of the word has been traded in for passive aggressive manipulation.

What is responsibility? In a tangible sense, it is easily associated with discretion, particularly with your resources, an ability to maintain commitments, and to be *ahem* 'reliable'.

What is the responsible thing to do? Well, to often (in my humble opinion) the responsible option is defined by 'worldly' standards. Which outcome produces the most financial gain? What choice puts me on the track to fulfill my obligation to accomplish the 'American Dream'?

The saddest part is that this mentality can even filter into the church... manipulating our ability to trust God. How often do we deny opportunity for less-risky options, because they 'make sense' materially, or because we allow fear of 'failure'.

Who defines failure? I contend that failure is a word primarily meant to define the opposite of worldly success. I have a hard time thinking of an situation that I would deem a failure in the spiritual sense. All circumstances produce growth and learning that are invaluable.

So, as a church, a body with eyes on the end game... theoretically, we welcome growth as we seek to become better versions of ourselves. Theoretically we have our minds set on the 'kingdom', right? Well, here is the way I have come to see it...

This rat race that the world tells me I have to participate in is a waste of time. If I, at any point, allow myself to get caught up in it, I am immediately bogged down by fears and stresses that remove every bit of joy from my life. This is where that illusive 'freedom in Christ' comes in to play for me... I am free from the fear of failure, and the stress of constant competition because I am able to live in a reality where, as cheesy as it sounds... I am loved regardless of what I look like, how good my grades are, or how much money I make. I can experience happiness without a penny to my name. I can have peace with whatever craziness happens. This is enabled by this weighty term, my 'word' for 2008, TRUST. My trust in Christ comes form his promise to take care of me. I just had to start believing that his plan was not only decent, but a pretty awesome, and that he was capable of making it happen. He proved that to me this year.

I live in a reality where the entire value system is reconstructed. What do I seek in life? Well, in the perfect world I could say I only seek to be who God wants me to be... a more loving, compassionate, wise, person... and where he wants me to go. I don't claim those as my sole pursuits quite yet, but getting rid of my need to be the prettiest, smartest, or WHATEVER it is, is certainly putting me on the right track.

So, back to my point: I am getting really sick of hearing the word 'responsibility' used an excuse from taking a chance. You know, it may not make the most logical sense... it may not be the most financially feasible... it may not even be the most appealing option, but if God is offering you the opportunity to take a chance and do something crazy, to get out of your comfort zone, experience life in a new way... I say DO IT.

The End.

3 States of Being

2009-01-03T08:20:00.000-08:00

I was reminded over break how much of a contrast exist between the culturally 'christian' south, and the rest of the world. This subculture that exists among southern church communities, my not be exclusive to them. It seems probable that it extends to most contexts of the south as a whole, but I cannot speak to that from experience.

This significant difference in worldview is highlighted when you are one who has 'left the nest"... returning home for a visit promptly shoves you right into the limelight where you are quickly reminded how differently things work here. You see, there are three states of being among this sub-culture: absolutely single, married, or about to walk down the isle. There does not appear to be an acceptable in-between status.

It's not hard to miss the fact that people tend to get married significantly younger in the south, but it appears this tend is especially common within the church. I think we all might have a guess as to the exact reason for this... but beyond that, I think there might be other factors playing a role.

For the most part, the view of a female is disproportionately skewed, causing parents and children alike to value marriage as a state in which a young girl can be 'taken care of' once she is socially forced to leave the nest. Everyone feels better this way, she will be protected and cared for, and she can develop her skills as a caretaker in preparation for motherhood, which most likely, is coming soon and is certainly of high value. Let's be honest, in theory one might support the development of other interest and skills in young women, but it always seems to fall secondary, to the wayside once a connection is made to an acceptable male. Even in my contact with the strong, independent women in my life, I find significant expectation that I am making progress towards the 'goal' of marriage and baby-making.

Now, I realize I am being terribly, and most likely unfairly, generic. And, please do not assume that I mean this all incredibly negatively, for I am as guilty as the next person sometimes... and I to fall prey to the mentality. So... let's get back on track. Three states of being.

Inevitably, the question comes... "So, have you met someone?"

I dread running into people who I think might ask the question, regardless of what the answer is... Am I wrong in finding it slightly degrading? Maybe I am being overly sensitive, but I especially value the order... does it come before or after the questions about my studies? Even before I left home I must have had a dozen people predict I would "meet someone in DC" as if that was my reason for going. I tried to belittle the emphasis, for their sake as well as for my own. I am not sure I was incredibly successful on either front.

The problem continues once you have left single-hood.... now the pressure is really on. You may have left one nagging question and set of pressures behind, but they have simply been exchanged for a shiny new set. There does not appear to be an aptitude for length or depth of relationship. I blame this on the tendency of my peers down south to marry, not only young, but quickly. Taking a brief mental count of my married friends (which is most of the people I grew up with, by the way) I would say the average *ahem* 'courtship' lasted about 4.7 months (that's if you remove the anomaly of Christy and Daniel, who started dating in their early teens). That's right, 4.7 months!!

I guess that explains a lot. Three states of being: absolutely single, married, or about to walk down the isle. No in-between. I can make accusations all day about how this is unhealthy, and not beneficial. I can rant about people getting married young, or too quickly... but in all honesty, I do not have a right to. It's their life, not mine. I just don't exactly appreciate the way their choices impact me. Who knows what kind of damage the nagging questions have done my psyche? Or maybe, there is no damage at all. How should I know?

My removal from the south and the sub-culture in which I was raised really confirmed my life-long belief that people in the south are crazy. I mean, *ahem* different. I am not sure if I ever really fit in... classmates used to always assume I was a yankee because of my lack of accent, the way I dressed, the food I ate, etc... I would just shake my heard and smirk, "I've lived here my whole life, most likely, longer than you have."

2008: The Best Year Ever?

2008-12-31T04:33:00.000-08:00

I guess it is about time for the obligatory "year in review" blog post.

I was talking to a friend last week who had the absolute craziest year ever... At the beginning of the year she had just quit her job and broken up with her boyfriend. She had no idea what she was going to do, but she knew something big was about to happen. She got a job assisting severely handicapped people. In Feb she met Ryan, they were engaged by June and Married by Nov. She traveled out of the country for the first time... to Sudan with me. She was reunited with her father, whom she had not spoken to in years and had immense bitterness towards. He was diagnosed with a brian tumor this summer. He died a few weeks ago. I can't imagine being in Jeni's shoes... looking back at this year realizing how everything changed, her family... who qualifies as her family... her job, life goals, vision. The town she lives in, the church she goes to, the people she hangs out with... everything is different.

Someone suggested to me over break that I have had a similar experience. I am still not convinced that I can compare my year to Jeni's... but it has had it's share of surprises. The real difference is (in usual form) MOST of my changes were planned.

I applied to American University at the end of last year. Jeni was the one who reminded me last week how unlikely it was that I would get in. I was pretty worried about it, I didn't know what I would do if grad school fell through, because it was what I unequivocally felt led to do. I mean, let's be honest... I am not the typical applicant. I was homeschooled. My transcript makes it look like I took 4 years to get my associates at a community college. What it doesn't say is that I started part-time in high-school. I got a strange degree form this small college no one has ever heard of. How could they know that the program was an excellerated degree program designed for people with extensive work experience? I was the the unusual student in those classes, the only one actually college-age. Never doubt God, because against all odds... He came through and I got in. I had the opportunity to talk to the person who decided to let me in earlier this semester. She was one of my professors, and she said that even though I was an unusual student, I had done well at whatever it was that I had done. And apparently, my recommendations were glowing (thanks guys!).

So, I got in... that meant I had to quit my good job, find a place to live and actually make a move to a city... where I didn't know a soul. Did I mention I had lived at home until last July, and even then I was 20 minutes from my parents house? In addition, I had never been in a 'normal' college classroom. I was always with non-traditional students. Now I was going to the biggest, and one of the best foreign relations schools in the world. Talk about shaking it up.

I am still surprised I stayed in NC as long as I did. I had always wanted to leave but God had never let it happen. By this point, I wasn't sure I wanted to leave anymore, but God was pushing me out.

The past four and a half months since I moved have been incredible. My friends back home were reminding me how nervous I was about meeting people. It has always been hard for me to put myself out there, make small talk, and get to know people. I knew I had to overcome so of those shortcomings to make this transition work.

I did everything I could to make the move smooth. I identified the church I wanted to attend before I moved so that I could jump right in. I still remember the first service I went to at Ebz right after my move. I was so awkward and nervous. But, I pushed through... went to every connection for new people I could. E-mailed about a small group and jumped right into it. I even decided to volunteer to help with the service production. But really, the difference was made by God working in me, shaping me and forcing me to grow into the person he needs to be. Apparently, that person needs to be more outgoing.

I find myself gravitating to people who are new to town. I really want to help them settle in and meet people, because I know how much it helped me.

So, anyway... back to the review. At the end of 2008, I find myself looking forward at a life I did not expect, with a community surrounding me I could have never even fathomed, filled with incredible peace and contentment that I have never experienced before.

I thought 2008 was about academics... but, looking back, I think God wanted to teach me about people and about relationships. I thought it was about exploration and adventure, but really I think it was about being content wherever you are. I thought it was about maturity, but honestly, I think God wanted me to chill out and not be afraid to act my age. This year was nothing like I expected it to be.

You MAY remember that instead of making New Years resolutions, my church back in NC encourages people to pick a word for the year. Something that describes how you want to grow in the next 12 months. The first year mine was compassion, and believe you me... it made a dramatic impact on my life. For someone who was born with very little, I have to fight off bleeding heart status sometimes. The next year it was Purpose. I wanted to some vision for my life, even if it was small. In needed to be passionate about something. God transformed my heart in 2007 and gave me incredible vision for my future. That is what led me to apply to grad school in the first place. In 2008 my word was trust. I didn't really know why I picked it until recently. Looking back, I have learned how to let go and trust God on so many levels this year. Jeni reminded me how I used to hold onto things. Yea, I still stress... but there is an underlying peace, that not only makes those hard times easier, but it gives me hope that God will continue to help me increase my trust in him. Maybe one way I won't be a worry wart... who knows. Either way, I had to trust God with everything this year and he has taken care of me. I am so thankful for his provision as I made all of these huge steps of faith this year.

Who knows what 2009 has in store... but I can't imagine how it could top 2008, and the thought that God could have something even better in store, blows my mind. I am praying about my word for this year. When I come up with it, I am sure I will let you know.

Nothing Can Bring me Down

2008-12-30T12:24:00.000-08:00

Today has been full of surprises.

I woke up with a start this morning when I realized that I was about to drive my landlord's to the airport in my car which had an empty tank. I visited the gas station at about 5:30am.

After taking care of the airport runs, my short period of relaxation was ended with a phone call from ADT. The alarm had been set off at the house. Of course, this caused me to have to return to it and wait for the police who went in with me to verify no one had entered.

Once settled I reached in my purse and felt something wet. My water bottle had leaked out drenching everything in my bag.... including my camera case with my Powershot inside. It doesn't appear to be operational any longer.

While sifting through my mail I came across a curious looking envelope... it was a letter from a collection agency. Turns out my roommate didn't pay the last electricity bill the apartment. I was no longer living there, but the account was still in my name. Apparently I could have paid without penalty up until the 27th... but since I was gone for so long the letter sat there and my window of opportunity expired. My credit earns it's first scare.

Tack on the paper cut I got while cleaning out some files, and the toe I stubbed taking out the trash and you have the makings of a lousy day. BUT, it is not meant to be... I am so happy to be back in DC that I have let none of these things anger or even frustrate me. In fact, I was so excited about my hummus sandwich for lunch, and my accomplishments while cleaning, that I am prancing around like I just won the lottery.

I am so happy to be back in the city and to see friends again. I am relieved that my living situation has been resolved. I will be moving out when I want and I have an amazing place to live with wonderful roommates. I am excited about the New Year's party tomorrow and making homemade pizza. I am really looking forward to going to church this weekend. I can't wait to ride the metro.

Digital camera's are replaceable, credit can only get you so far... What can I do it about it now anyway? Peace, contentment, joy... those are the things worth dwelling on. Thank you JESUS!

The plight of being the oldest (child AND grandchild) and watching it all change...

2008-12-26T16:36:00.000-08:00

Things have changed, and will never be the same.
Christmas morning this year was pretty anti-climactic. My dad had to work, my brother went to his girlfriend's house and both of my cousins were elsewhere. We puttered around until my Aunt and Mike arrived after noon. Then we (big surprise) played cards until dinner was ready.

Nathan and Amanda came back to eat with us, dad was still at work. After stuffing our faces, we (shocker) played more games. Once dad got off work we 'exchanged gifts'. My immediate family didn't buy presents this year because of the cruise, so it was really just the extended family.

Mom and I were discussing why Christmas has never been a big deal in our family, especially the past few years when we started removing gifts and going on cruises. (Honestly, there wasn't a tree at our house or my grandparent's this year.) Dad has always worked shift work, meaning he had no control over whether he would have the day off or not... I mean, we all need electricity on Christmas, so someone has to do it! Therefore, we would always do Christmas when we could... Christmas Eve, the day after, morning, night... whatever. There is not much tradition or consistency involved. We do usually have more family, but now that Josh is in the Marines and I live in DC, it's been next to impossible to coordinate schedules and all end up at the same place at the same time. I am sure this is just the beginning, it will only get more convoluted as more leave the nest and the family spreads out. It really makes me wonder... what will Christmas look like next year? Or, the next?

It carries it's own twisted sense of excitement. Who knows what Christmas in 2009 will look like... and as long as it involves ginger cookies and cranberry casserole, I will be happy.

Critical Cruiser

2008-12-23T04:31:00.000-08:00

It's been a long week.
It really does feel like significantly longer than the 8 days we were gone, it even feels longer than the two weeks I spent in Sudan.

Don't read into this too much, it's not that I didn't have a good time... But, I am not sure I was in need of a vacation. Let me explain.

Most people go on a cruise to escape their lives, jobs, school... whatever. To be honest, I spent almost an entire week before the cruise doing virtually whatever I wanted without much obligation in DC. I had finished school and I was enjoying life. So take me from a positive and enjoyable situation and stick me on a boat, in a room with my brother (who I get a long well with... at a distance), and give me little to do but watch lame variety shows and lay on the beach, and you might understand why I prefer my normal life.

Not many people can say that, that they prefer their normal life to most vacation options. I consider myself extremely blessed that I enjoy my day to day so immensely. (BUT, let me clarify... other vacation options would change the landscape of this conversation. The Caribbean doesn't appear to be my cup of tea, I mean... I had more fun in Sudan. What's wrong with that picture?)

Most people who go on a cruise dread it's ending. Well, I had another week of doing nothing, Christmas, and seeing my NC friends to look forward to... so needless to say, I was excited for the the next step. Not to mention, my entire journey climaxes with my return to DC, which is equally appealing.

The entire experience was amplified by a personal discovery: I have gotten used to living by myself and doing what I want to do... not something that translates particularly well to suddenly reverting back to family life. "Yes, I would like to hold my own passport."

Regardless of it all, I worked hard to enjoy myself, and that included watching a LOT of movies and playing a LOT of cards. Seriously, if I wasn't doing one of those, I was eating or sleeping. Therefore, I managed to make it a pretty relaxing vacation. In fact, I am going to have to work to get back some productivity habits. Oh, and the scenery wasn't half bad...

Honestly, cruises are all about indulgence. Whether it's eating excessively, tanning constantly, drinking 24 hours a day... a cruise encourages a complete abandonment of moderation. Even I fell prey to the 4 course meal and 24-hour buffet... I am going to have to wean my appetite back to normal. Talk about being slapped with the reality of consumerism and the entitlement mentality.

On the way home Wall-E was playing on the plane. Although 'over the top'... after being on a cruise, I had to chuckle at the red flag the minds at Pixar were trying to raise. I think people would be shocked at how close we can get... just go on cruise.

Hot and Humid

2008-12-13T18:45:00.000-08:00

I am sitting in a ultra-modern, super nice hotel room in San Juan Puerto rico right now. I am trying not to sweat, listening to some of my tunes on or complimentary iHome, glancing at the infinity pool out the window that drops off into the ocean and endless starry sky... while police sirens blare in the background.

"Well, this IS Puerto Rico"

They are partying downstairs like an episode of My Super Sweet Sixteen set in Miami. I, on the other hand am savoring my last moments of technological connection to the rest of the world by checking my Facebook on my mom's laptop (I didn't even bring mine). Sad, I know. The worst part is... I will probably go straight to bed once I am done here.

I knew it would be hard for me to disconnect, but I am anticipating a larger challenge than I originally thought.

We were in the San Juan airport waiting for our baggage and I kept hearing the ring my phone does when I receive a text message. At every ring, I compulsively reached for my pocket before reminding myself that my phone was safely turned off in my bag (to avoid excessive roaming charges and such). We got into our taxi, and again I heard the noise. After falsely accusing Jeff of ignoring his phone, I realized that in fact,= my phone had gotten turned on in my bag and it was I who was receiving text messages. Unfortunately, they were from an unfamiliar number and someone who really loves Caitlyn... because they have reiterated it in every text they have sent me over the past month regardless of my consistent lack of response. STOP TEXTING ME.

Anyway, I have returned my phone to it's off position and I am crossing my fingers that Caitlyn's lover hasn't costs me an arm and a leg in fees. In the meantime I am going to pull myself away from this screen and enjoy the first part of my vacation by sleeping when, and for as long as I want.

If only the air-conditioner wold kick in...

connectivity

2008-12-08T17:01:00.000-08:00

After 2.5 years, my laptop... which I fondly refer to as Granny Smith (only when people aren't around, of course) failed me. Long story short, I was left incapacitated for about 12 hours while the Apple Store waited for the needed part to arrive.

12 hours without my computer. Doesn't sound like that big of a deal, right?

You know, the funny thing is my phone has access to my e-mail, facebook and twitter... so there was no real lack of connection. Therefore, why the heck did I feel lost and alone? (Ok, that might be a bit of an exaggeration... MAYBE.)

It's really sad. My phone died about 2 hours ago because of my extensive use of it... my attempts to feel connected. It will be interesting to see how I do on the cruise. It's not like I haven't been on one before... I mean I spend 2 weeks in the freaking Sudanese desert... but for some reason, it seems like it's gotten harder. I blame the blackberry. Crackberry is right!

Finals and faith

2008-12-05T14:08:00.000-08:00

The stress has gone to my head, specifically my face... in the form of, what seems like, a million little red, painful, bumps.

The best cure for acne? A vacation in the sun... which just happens to be what I will be doing in a little over a week, whether or not I would like to.

Finals has been an interesting experience. I really should be spending my weekend and most of next week in the library like the rest of my fellow graduate students, but staying true to my style... I crammed it all in a few days and submitted them all long before the deadline. Dragging things out has never brought me happiness, or restful sleep. Sanity is worth more than perfection, right?

Therefore I find myself (pretty much) free from school for my last week in town. It's really hard to believe that the semester is over. Last night was our last week of small group for the semester and I had a hard time believing that I had already been living in DC four months! 1/4 of my masters is already completed...

It's funny how much your perspective changes with time. I am starting to think that my move to DC was less about academic advancement than it is about personal growth and relationships. I mean, I guess most experiences are that way. As relational beings we are built to value people first. Education in isolation won't find you happiness... it isn't necessary to accomplish God's will. He doesn't need books or knowledge to make your life meaningful for His glory. We all know that he didn't necessarily use the smartest, prettiest, or richest people in the Bible. In fact, they tend to be the ones stirring up trouble.

So perspective... it's certainly not stagnant... and that's the fun of it. I mean honestly, what kind of adventure would life be if things didn't change, if we weren't shifting in our view of the world, growing in understanding, and changing it up a bit?

I would probably be less stressed... but, most likely... bored.

So... Chase the lion!... or the goose!.... or, whatever.

dito

2008-12-01T07:50:00.000-08:00

I have written about this before... actually more than once before... but it always a interesting topic to wrestle with so we are going at it again. To be honest, I need a refresher.

Prayer. It has always been a rather ambiguous concept to me. Why do we pray for things we want when God is going to do what He wants to do, what is best? I mean ultimately, that's what we want. I mean, I would rather the guy who can see the end game make the calls and not my simple mind which is stuck in the bounds of time and has no idea what the future holds, and therefore what is best... so what we end up in is this cycle of "God, make my desires like Yours"... and "Thy will be done" like prayers. Which being to get annoyingly redundant, if I am honest. If you are anything like me, it is something like "I would really like this, but do whatever you want and help me be OK with it."

So, why do we even ask for things? It isn't like he doesn't know exactly what we want. I mean, I understand the value of communication and the use of prayer as a tool of relationship building... but honestly... does saying a prayer for my sick dog count as relationship development? Not really.

Awhile back I had a conversation like this with my mentor. She said something profound that has changed my view of prayer. We ask because God loves us so much he wants to give it to us. He wants to bless us! Pastor Mark reiterated this in his sermon this week. God, by nature is a gift-giver who wants to bless us abundantly with everything we can ask or even think of. It's easy to view God more like a machine than a person with emotions. We can get caught up in the mechanical sense of prayer and miss the relational aspects. Yea, God knows what we want. He doesn't need us to tell him, but as a loving being who desires relationship with us more passionately than we can comprehend, I could see how he might appreciate an attempt to communicate that desire. I can even begin to conceive how he might desire to give it to us... so much so that he might be tempted (I mean if He could actually be tempted) to give it to us, even if it is detrimental to us in the long run. Not to sound cliche, but like a parent. Kind of like how you ask for really expensive or ridiculous presents for Christmas that they will never get you, but you put them on the list or hint at them, just in case.

So, Now I feel better about it. I feel purposeful in asking God for exactly what I want. I just couple it with a prayer for wisdom and understanding that He continues to shape my desires into something that resembles His own, and for the peace and complete contentment no matter the outcome. Ultimately, increased wisdom and maturity.

And the bonus is that once you have actually asked God for something, you will recognize his involvement when you receive it. As Pastor Mike used to say, gratitude is a HUGE aspect of spiritual maturity, and ultimately integral to a joyful existence.

Blessed are Those with Wise Parents

2008-11-29T06:31:00.001-08:00

I have been reading through the Proverbs this month, and I am starting to notice a theme. Now, obviously the whole thing is wrapped around a foundation of 'wisdom'... every verse oozes emphasis on gaining some... but a particular method has stuck out to me. No matter the author, they seem stuck on the idea that your parents play a role in gaining and maintaining wisdom.

I consider myself pretty lucky. I can see how my parents have, are, and will continue to contribute to my level of wisdom if I consider their counsel. But, I wonder if this is true in every case? I tend to think it is a rarity that one's parental units would have absolutely no role in your personal pursuit of wisdom, I mean... they may not be perfect, but they can offer insight that you could deem useful. I just feel real sympathy for those who are missing out on the whole experience.

The transfer of knowledge from parent to child is a truly amazing thing. Imbedded in our social and familial structure, it is an integral part of life and maturity. Even politicians acknowledge the importance on parental involvement to proper development and a stable society. The problem is, where it is not naturally taking place... it is not an easy problem to fix. Nothing can truly substitute for a missing parental influence. Where parents are out of the picture completely, incapable or unwilling to take their role seriously, problems arise and those problems are passed to the education system, and ultimately society as a whole. Then we end up with something like we see today...

If you ever doubted the relevance of the Bible in today's society, I contend you are not looking hard enough. Wisdom is missing in today's world, and Proverbs tells us why.

Again, I am extremely grateful for my own, abnormally wise, parents. Listening to their wisdom has been invaluable to me. I have a feeling I will continue to seek their counsel as long as they are willing to give it. Lucky? Blessed? Whatever or however you say it... I am.

Arrested Development

2008-11-26T10:49:00.000-08:00

So... I admit that I am always a little late to the party. And by that, I obviously don't mean a literal party, because as we all know... I am incapable of being late. I am, on the other hand, slow to appreciate pop culture. Arrested Development provides the perfect example of this phenomenon.

Maybe it is because it hit the hight of it's popularity when I was without cable, maybe it was because I am typically resistant to television obsessions (hence the reason I have not gotten into The Office, or Seinfeld), as they lead to loads of wasted personal time... or maybe, I am just in denial. BUT, the fact is... hulu.com provides me many opportunities to waste my time, and I appear to be incapable of resisting them at this point.

Hulu.com happens to have in it's repertoire every episode ever aired before the show's untimely demise. This allows me opportunity to waste a significant chunk of my day, everyday... for the next few weeks.

So, if I begin to neglect your phone calls, or blow off my obligations... please step in.

P.S. When is A&E going to put Mad Men online? Then I would be in real trouble.

Family

2008-11-25T07:38:00.000-08:00

Whether or not this fact deems me 'lucky', I am not sure... But I have a fairly small and tight-knit family.

It's my immediate family (mom, dad and two brothers), and my extended family, which is limited to my mom's parents (who live next door to my immediate family in NC now), and my mom's only sister with her two kids. Mike (my aunt's fiance) has recently been added to the mix, but this is the group that serves as the foundation of my family.

The rest of my relatives remain a pretty distant part of my life. Most of them, I have only met/seen a few times. Not making a good/bad judgement, I love them all... but, they are generally not included in the group I refer to when I use the term, "family"... as I reserve it for the core group that plays an active role.

So, you may have used your marvelous deductive skills to determine that I only have two cousins, and you would be correct. None of my dad's siblings have had any children. That means that the pool of grand kids has remained fairly small, which usually works out to our benefit. I, being the oldest, enjoy this fact immensely.

In the holiday season, I am reminded of the importance of family and the unusual nature of my own. Josh, my aunt's oldest, recently finished Marine boot camp and may not make it to NC for Christmas. Josh spent the past few years living with my grandparents, next door. So he was a regular dinner guest and I had to chase him off the xbox so I could watch TV quite a few times. He is a newly tattooed military guy now, still not sure how I feel about that. Sarah, my aunt's other child, is currently in the hospital. Her diagnosis is still undetermined, but she has been slow to respond to antibiotics and it doesn't look like she will be able to go home today. Sarah and I , being the oldest and the youngest as well as the only two females, experience a special bond, which includes a common attraction to musicians. :) We have been to more than a few concerts together, and my Chuck Taylor's passed to her when I retired them.

I only have two cousins, so they are rather important to me. We have been really close our entire lives. I see how my parents interact with their cousins (which is hardly ever) and I can't imagine being so distant from my own some day. Maybe the fact that there are so few will change the context, maybe we will be different. I hope so.

Either way, I am going to say a prayer for both of my cousins. Josh and Sarah, I hope that you have a wonderful holiday and I hope to see you soon.

Reflections on the Adventure of Life

2008-11-24T12:01:00.001-08:00

My brother asked me a fairly simple question today... "what did you do this weekend?"... The better question may be, "what did I not do this weekend?"

Watched a movie. Went shopping. Saw a concert. Ate at IHop. Got out of my lease. Went to a museum. Had amazing pizza. Owned at Balderdash. Went to church. Served the homeless Thanksgiving dinner. Watched a play. Went to a party. Somehow I even managed to fit some sleep in there... not much though.

I have met so many amazing people since moving to DC, so you can imagine that the weekend festivities were that much better because of the people involved.

The past week has given me reason to reflect on how my current life in DC compares to life as I expected it, and even life as it was for the first two months I was here.

I have been telling people that the experience of moving to a brand new place with absolutely no connections, starting form scratch, has to be one of the best experiences of your life. I highly recommend everyone do so at some point in their lives. I have learned so much about myself and about the world, and therefore about God.

The really exciting part is that there is so much more to come. New adventures reveal themselves everyday. Life, even a month from now, could yet again look drastically different.

It looks like I may be switching up my living arrangement. I am excited by the prospect of having a place where I can cook and fellowship, where people can stay when they come to visit, and the flexibility to leave town! I am even excited about fostering community with roommates. It's an aspect of living that I have missed.

Next semester will bring a new schedule, a new internship... and who knows what else.

Whatever the circumstances, I have a feeling it will be jam-packed fun!

holidays

2008-11-20T07:15:00.000-08:00

Why exactly do people find these nature sounds CD's so calming? It seems to me like someone recorded the sound of a single wave crashing on the shore with a crappy handheld tape player and then dubbed it to repeat. My head hurts.

I guess it does make me a little nostalgic. Even though I don't enjoy the beach like the average person due to extreme over-exposure... I can appreciate it, and it definitely brings back some memories.

Speaking of the beach, in exactly one month I will be on one... on some Caribbean island. Probably not soaking up the sun, (I wouldn't expect me to return with a tan :), but I am sure that I will occupy myself with some of the various excursions available. ...All while wearing sweat proof SPF 50.

The semester is really winding down and it seems to be shaping up nicely. Turns out I must be sorta smart, because I am not failing. I only have a few things (group project, 2 take-home finals) left and I should be done long before I leave town for the holidays.

It seems I may miss out on some of the holiday festivities in the DC area, I guess I shouldn't complain since I will be enjoying warmer climates and endless gourmet buffets... but I can't help but feel some sadness.

I will just have to wear my Cosby Christmas sweater on the cruise.

Turns out the January hosts the bigger holiday around here anyway, Inauguration day. I am sure the city will be flooded with feisty Democrats ready to enjoy their victory. A ridiculous amount of people are renting out space in their homes to strangers coming to town for the historic occasion. I expect many hilarious stories. Let's hope its not too cold... because it will be faster for me to walk downtown than to even try and move my car away from the nice curb where it will remained parked in my neighborhood.

At least we get a long weekend at school.

One week until thanksgiving!

...Can we stop the ocean sounds now!?

Further Thoughts on the Superiority of Thanksgiving

2008-11-11T05:24:00.001-08:00

You know the real reason I prefer Thanksgiving over Christmas? The whole gift giving thing makes me uncomfortable. I have always been bad at it.

To be honest, I don't even really like to receive presents. The awkward moment where everyone is waiting for your reaction... the strange obligatory gratitude, and then the overbearing question of response... is a thank you card in order? A return gift? a second hug and grin combo?

The thing is, I am this way whether I love the gift or not. I seem to have an issue with obligatory emotion. It extends beyond gift receiving... people who fish for compliments, greetings at family reunions... anything non-organic/spontaneous... I can't bring myself to do it.

Gift giving at the holidays is the ultimate example. I may want to give you something, but the obligatory nature of it takes all of the fun out of the entire thing.

At Christmas time it can feel like a rat race. Trying to find the perfect gift, trying to make sure everyone is covered and no one's feelings get hurt... it multiplies the awkwardness of it all.

i'm just sayin...

Can we save Christmas?

2008-11-09T04:11:00.000-08:00

It is really hard to believe that the holidays are already here. It was two weeks ago when I made my way to Target to discover it was already selling Christmas paraphernalia. Usually I would scoff at such a sight, but rather than my normal cynicism, I discovered a bit of excitement.

I am certainly not a grinch, but for the past few years in particular I have had a hard time experiencing the holidays with a joyful heart. Everything gets so twisted up in materialism and consumerism. I mean, Christmas movies have just become another excuse to make a crappy film with a thin plot about romance and still make money on it. Christmas music is about as unoriginal as it can be, and we all know that the actually 'original' songs are less than stellar. People go into debt to buy each other crap that doesn't mean anything but a temporary high that dies out a day later. I mean, I have written about that before... January becomes the most depressing month ever after they take down all the decorations and all we are left with is dead trees and bitter cold. What a downer! I am pretty sure more people suffer depression in the season right after Christmas than any other, but I have no hard facts to back that up.

I really do love Christmas, but I despise so much of the 'stuff' that surrounds it, that it may be hard for you to tell. Thanksgiving is really my favorite holiday, you still get the [BETTER!] food, but the focus is on family and gratitude and that has seemed to stick over the years. Plus, you don't experience post-traumatic stress when it is over... of course that could have something to do with the next holiday. Either way, I stand by my assertion that Thanksgiving is far superior.

Whatever holiday we are celebrating, I have a feeling this year will be different. NPR agrees with me. It's funny how some economics instability can change your attitude. Consumer activity will suffer, people will have to be more creative with gifts and big fancy toys will be less common. I have to admit that I think the election may help as well. Patriotism is on the rise, almost like right after a terrorist attack, and that tends to bond communities together.

So many churches have already launched effort to transform their holidays through a reform of their giving. Imago Dei in Portland, Oregon last year challenged the entire congregation to make their gifts instead of purchasing them, and to use the money they are saving to build a well in sub-saharan Africa. They ended up with a half of a million dollars.

I don't have a blanket suggestion for what we should do to get this giving thing right this holiday season, but I think we can all use a little evaluation into our spending, whether for the holiday or just normal living, to look at what we value. I know I value new clothes more than I should. I realized this week that I go shopping when I am feeling insecure and even though I may mentally justify the purchase as a 'need,' I really want for nothing and I have an entire closet, a dresser, and two Rubbermaid containers full of clothes, half of which I never wear for no particular reason.

How can we approach this holiday season and stay focused on Christ and not Christmas? How can we get through December without viewing gift giving and receiving as a seasonal, obligatory, task? How can we start to view material things as what they are and not use them for emotional pick-me-ups? How can we learn to value relationships and people more than gifts and food? How can we learn to love others, even those we do not have relationships with, in this season... like we love ourselves?

These are the questions we ask every year. Let's try and answer them this time.

Can't we all just get along?

2008-11-05T07:54:00.000-08:00

Well, today is a significant day in the history of... everything, really. Last night was about as memorable as it could be. Although I did not shed tears, my skin was covered in goosebumps for hours and I got chills at regular intervals. Needless to say, I am excited about the future of our country. Although I am sure Obama will disappoint a lot of people, I mean he IS NOT the messiah and he will will make mistakes, I think overall we will be much happier with the direction of the country once he has left his stamp on it.

There is a shadow over this day, a cloud threatening to ruin my good mood...
I have been laughing at facebook for more than 24 hours now. If my facebook friends determined the next president I have no idea who would have won because they seem pretty evenly split. Status updates ranged from declarations of pure ecstasy to pronunciations of doom. Everything from naming Obama as the anti-christ to labeling him the next Abraham Lincoln. oh my.

I have been disappointed in the reactions of many of my fellow Christians. I think that it is a negative reflection on the church and therefore Christ if we declare this election a determining factor in colossal terms. Our country is structured to prevent that. That is what checks and balances are all about! As Mr. Barnhill (my history professor) used to say, 4 years will go by before you know it and you will have another chance. One guy is not going to expedite Armageddon or turn us into a Communist nation! For those who wear their Republicanism as if it were their religion, let's remember that God IS in control. He determined the outcome of this election and even if it does mean the end of the world, do not be fooled... it is in HIS timing.

I have had a few laughs over the 'now I am leaving the country' remarks... let us remember that 8 and 4 years ago the tables were turned. I can remember people being outraged by Barbara Striessand and others comments in this vein. No one appreciated the remarks of similar nature from the other side, so please... be bigger than that.

Even though I am FAR from being a fan of the current President, I usually keep that to myself. He IS the President and I respect the office. Again, I have heard many conservatives complain about the vocal left voicing their opinions about Bush. Remember that now. We have a new president and he also deserves your respect... regardless of whether you agree with him or not.

We can take this day for celebration/mourning. But tomorrow, let us leave behind the divisive nature of the campaign trial and strive for unity in the next few months as we approach a changing of the guard. Regardless of your party affiliation or lack of it... I think we all know that our country needs some TLC over the next 4 years. We have some serious issues in front of us and we all need to be praying for wisdom for those in leadership.

The Beginning of the End

2008-11-04T04:49:00.000-08:00

So a lot has happened in the past week...

My friend Jeni got married. I got to go home and see friends and family. I finally got my Flaming Amy's... and I finally got to vote.

It has been a long time coming. It was over a year ago that I started canvassing for this random democratic candidate... I was a registered republican with no former interest in politics, driving to South Carolina and knocking on doors in random small towns. Everyone told me I was crazy and that he would never make it past the primary... I am not going to say I told you so... because no one had any reason to believe me. This election defied reason, historical context, everything really. It was about as unexpected and out of the box as an election could be at this point in time.

Can I just say that either way... it is not the end of the world!

I heard three sermons about politics this weekend. None of them endorsed a candidate, but they all had a lot to say about the political process. To summarize the thoughts of all of them: the world will never become the Kingdom of God. We can not vote in the Kingdom of God... we can not even make the world MORE like the kingdom of God. We must vote, choose who we think is the best candidate, participate in the process... but we can not start to think that politics is the answer. One put it this way: say we vote in the right candidate who legislates all the right laws, makes all of the right choices and takes us in the right direction... we will still fall short. This is the thought that stuck out to me the most though... God is in control and His purposes will be served through either candidate. Therefore, the world will only end if He wants it to. :)

As for this weekend, it was really eye opening. I am glad that I got to see so many of my friends and family, but it was different than I thought it would be. It didn't feel right. It kind of made me wonder how I living in NC for so long. I didn't seem to fit there anymore. I got excited driving back into the city. It really is a neat place... the leaves are turning and my street has leaves of all shapes, sizes and colors. I have seen some amazing fall glory in my own backyard!

My favorite holiday (Thanksgiving) is right around the corner and I am excited about enjoying it in DC. Let's just hope from sweet potato casserole is involved!

Happy election day!

Post Mid-Term Detox: Weekend Adventures

2008-10-27T08:36:00.001-07:00

Mid-terms officially ended Wednesday evening when I turned in my last paper. I was exhausted. Slept quite well that night. I have spent the last few days detoxing from the whole experience, a downside of being a psycho planner/over-achiever/perfectionist. I guess we will see how I came out this week, no exactly excited to see, but yet not worried.

Thursday: I literally sat on my couch watching hulu.com for wayyy to many hours. Even though I felt my brain turning to mush from the lack of intelligent content, it was needed. Does anyone else love House as much as I do?, his charm never grows old. Then it was small group, a welcome distraction from my television watching. We partook in some amazing homemade mac and cheese and talked about 1 John 5 for a few hours. Deep convos, apples and caramel... what could be better?

Friday: After having lunch and a shopping spree at Target with Linda (I bought 12 movies, ridiculous!... but all worth it, all goodies: Forest Gump, Fried Green Tomatoes, Last of the Mochicans, The Village, Love Actually, to name a few), I made my way to Ebz to meet small groupies (+ friends) for a night at the Corn Maze in the Plains. That's right, a corn maze at NIGHT with only flashlights and Mark's incurably intimidatingly large umbrella to protect us. Great fun! My team, "Team Get off the Phone Dave" trampled the competition team, "(Not So) Awesome". Unfortunately, there was no prize involved but we did get to play on the slide! Yea for sliding in groups! Then we headed back into the city for some pizza, cider and a movie at Amanda's. Met up with even more people and enjoyed one of my all time favorite flicks, Donnie Darko. Now, any one that knows me well knows that I rarely stay awake during movies, much less movies I have seen, even less when it is already past my 10PM bedtime (GRANDMA, I know... it's part of my charm). Therefore, I was doomed from the start. I am just glad I didn't drool or anything too embarrassing.

Saturday: The normal, French class and working production at the services at Ebz... I didn't pull the plug this week but the computer did freak on us causing a panic or two. Oh, well... it was my last week of training, so next time I am on my own. Drove over to Erin's house for a Pumpkin Carving party (sans my own pumpkin) and had some amazing pumpkin cupcakes. Had some more cider and socialized before heading home for the night.

Sunday: I was supposed to met a group for lunch to celebrate Robert's 21st birthday after the 11:30 service at Union, so I decided to go ahead and attend (making it the third time I heard the sermon this weekend, it was a good one!). Lunch at an Irish pub (I had WAFFLES!) with friends = guaranteed fun. I headed to metro center afterwards to kill time at H&M (dangerous) until I heard from Steve about a documentary about Palestinian hip-hop (how could that not be awesome!?). Turns out the movie was sold out (Steve is NOT a 'details man') so we wandered rather aimlessly for about two hours, annoyed a security guard, discovered a leather clad 'gang' of thugs, ate some fake mexican food at Chipotle, and solved a puzzle (well, almost) in a random magazine at Starbucks. Finally ended up at the concert which followed the movie... yes, that's right we saw a Palestinian hip-hop group perform at the Hard Rock Cafe. It was AMAZING. A room full of Middle-Eastern people fist pounding and chanting about who knows what... a recipe for memories. Favorite quote of the night?..."remember that time Steve took us to a free Palestine rally?"...

Anyway, Monday starts a return to the reality of school. Already got a lot done, but I need to get ahead since i will be spending the later half of the week distracted by wedding festivities and burritos. I predict I will not be picking up any school reading in my free time. In exactly 3 days I will be EATING a big jerk burrito!

Conundrums and Cures

2008-10-24T07:00:00.000-07:00

Every time I turn around on campus I hear it from someone else, "Why am I here?", "Why are we studying this?", "How come it's so depressing?", and most commonly, "How come there are no answers to these questions and no solutions to these problems?".

It is pretty common for people to get down and beat up on themselves in this line of study. Everyone has the grand idea that they will be able to 'save the world' or play a role in ending hunger or creating world peace, but reality strikes somewhere during the first semester and you start to realize that you will be lucky if you get a job doing much more than paperwork.

I know that I had this image of myself working in a refugee camp somewhere in Africa. On the ground, with cute little orphans... but, in actuality, this work is best done by locals. In fact, most agencies do not want to send westerners in, they want to empower locals to do the work. I love the idea, I just hate the implications. So what are we training for?... Capital hill? Admin work? Research? BLAH.

You do not come to this program if you are not willing to get your hands a little dirty. We all want to help people, solve big problems... but the more we learn, the more we realize we have no idea how. All of the smart people that came before us couldn't figure it out, so why do we think that we can? All we get are a bunch of conundrums, huge questions, and unsolvable problems... "Here, continue the work..."

...how depressing.

I have to admit I find myself less discouraged than most. I have faith that I am here for a reason, and I am still (at this exact moment) content to have no idea what that might be. God placed this desire in my heart and I am sure that it will serve His purposes.

Last night in small group we had a significant discussion about the overwhelming nature of poverty, slavery, and all of the other ailments that plague the world. What can we do? Well, first we can step up and DO something about it. I am sure that God has called more people to action, most just get so overwhelmed they give up before they try. But, I also think that we are ALL called to pray.

I know it's hard to know how, what to say, what to pray for.... and it's incredibly overwhelming and seemingly pointless to pray for ending poverty or world peace... but I think that if we allow those thought to overtake us, we have missed out. Pick an issue, pick a country, pick a neighborhood, pick a neighbor... pick something! and PRAY.

Pray for freedom, pray for food, pray for health or healthcare... anything. But most of all, pray for them to experience and realize God's love and comfort in their situation. Because, we all know that some food, a job, or a home are all great! ...but they don't solve all of your problems. This world really sucks and just because we provide for people's physical needs, they won't be satisfied. Just because we make their life look a little more like ours, will they suddenly be problem-free? I mean, are we?

Anyway, one thing I know for sure... God's love is the only thing that will solve all of our problems.

momentary misery

2008-10-22T10:48:00.001-07:00

There are two things that I can't stand (I am sure there are many more as well):

1. Never being able to get warm/cool.
2. Feeling like I am not checking things off of my list.

Today, they all come together. The house is constantly 58-60 degrees.... not bad, but it's one of those things that if you wake up cold, it is in your bones and you can never seem to get warm. I hate that feeling. I have literally been walking around with either a wool blanket wrapped around my fully clothed and highly layered body... or fun on winter gear, including hat and gloves... INSIDE the house. Bizarre, I know.

Today is 'D-Day' for midterms. I have three assignments done. I can't wait until I do not have to worry about this anymore. Of course, finals are right around the corner and then it starts all over... but let's dwell on the positive.

The other positive? My land lords get home today and we are going to have to talk about the heat in this place... :)

Home = ??????????

2008-10-20T12:41:00.000-07:00

I am down to ten days... ten days until I go home, to NC. It is going to be a crazy weekend, jammed full of wedding events, reunions, and salsa.

I got to spend some time with my other roommate from last year, Wendy, yesterday who was in town for another wedding. We went down to Eastern Market for a few hours and basically just did a lot of talking and catching up. She made a comment thats stuck with me... she said I seemed very content here in DC. I think that is the perfect way of describing it... I am content, completely at peace with where I am.

Sometimes I can't believe it, that I actually left NC. I had been pinning for something new since puberty, but in the last 6-9 months in Wilmington I had begun to wonder why I was leaving. I mean, how could I leave such an amazing church, wonderful friends, and amazing burritos! (ah, sorry)

But somehow I have known since the first day I found out that this school and this program existed that I was supposed to go. I can remember the day I discovered it. At the time, I had no ambition to finish my bachelors much less pursue a masters degree. But God had another plan.

I got a handwritten note and the card of a person from Mount Olive College in the mail shortly after and ended up enrolling in their program. Next thing you know I am reminded of this masters program as AU. I applied to 4 programs, this is the only one I got into.

God provided the money for school, He provided housing, and money for living expenses. Then God provided me with a new church, which has lead to a new community, new friends and new relationships. I have no complaints, no regrets, no doubts. God is amazing.

At first I thought it would be weird to go back home, simply for a 'visit'. I mean I have never done that before, gone to NC just for a weekend, it seems bizarre. But, the closer it gets the more I realize that I don't think I will have a problem returning. DC already feels like home, it feel like it's where I belong, it feels right.

Who would have guessed? Certainly not me. I was telling Wendy how when my first boss at United Way quit for a job in DC, she left me a note saying 'if you ever want to move to the big city, give me a call!' I remember smirking and thinking 'If I ever move to the 'big city' it won't be DC"... ha, how ironic.

Anyway, I am looking forward to going home and visiting Port City Church and Flaming Amy's Burrito Barn, but I think I will be ready to come back to DC afterwards...

Maybe I can convince Flaming Amy's to open up a place here!

I stand amazed.

2008-10-19T07:24:00.001-07:00

God is doing some crazy things in my life. I think I most struck by how He is revealing the depth and breadth of His love for me.

Last night I was walking home from church. It has been chilly here so I was enjoying the crisp autumn weather. I had broken out the ole' ipod and turned in my books for the day (what I usually use to entertain myself during commutes) for some tunes. I was listening to this beautiful song by Jump, Little Children called Cathedrals, walking down Mass Ave when I came to a family of deer grazing in the grass in front of one of the houses. They were actually blocking my way, I had to turn onto a side road. I know that deer can be aggressive, especially when the young ones are around... and I was certainly outnumbered (channeling 'The Ring' here) so I stood still and just observed for awhile.

Deer remind me of home. There are quite a few in Brunswick County, not quite as many in the city. They seemed so out of place next to one of the busiest roads in the city (although it was a residential section) right up by occupied houses. Yet, it was serene. Just watching them I was reminded of how beautiful animals are.

I had a similar experience on Thursday. At Small Group we talked about God's love for almost two hours. Deborah had brought her new puppy. As we were closing with prayer I glanced over to see this tiny creature squirming to find a comfortable position. Once found, she shut her eyes and immediately her chest began to rise in fall as if she had fallen asleep instantly in complete peace and comfort. Unbearably cute.

I don't get to see as much of nature in the city. So, I guess these moments have been reminders of the beauty in God's creation.

This has been at the top of my playlist for awhile, so these are the thoughts that have been running through my brian. This is an edited version of Jason Morant's, 'Love Song':

Where can I go
Where can I run from You
You're everywhere

You know all my thoughts
You see through my ways
And still You come to me

From Heaven above
Earth down beneath
Your love rains down on me

You walk on waves
You run with clouds
You paint the sky for me to see
Your majesty
Your majesty is why I sing

Yes it's all for You
my life a love song to You

Anyway, those are my thoughts for today. Now it is time to stop stalling and get on with my midterm.

Ode the the most beautiful barn in the world...

2008-10-15T07:45:00.000-07:00

So if you were imagining a melancholy old building against a picturesque landscape, you were wrong! Here is the most beautiful barn known to man:

If I was a poet I would write a sonnet to it's salsa. If I was a musician I would play a jingle about it's burritos. But alas, I am no such thing. So all I can do is write this pitiful blog entry and count down the days until I get to enjoy it's wonderful flavors once again:

15.

What should I order? hmmmmmm....

Tourist for a Weekend

2008-10-13T10:14:00.000-07:00

So this weekend I was blessed with the presence of my friend, Gloria.

She was my first visitor since relocating to the DC area and considering my busy schedule, and the magnitude of option, I have not been able to explore much of the myself. So we did some of it together.

SATURDAY
I had French class in the AM in Adam's Morgan so Gloria hung out in Dupont until I was done. Then we had some Lebanese food for lunch... a first, but certainly not a last. I have no idea what it was called but it was eggplant, chickpeas, mint, yogurt, green onions and pomegranate seeds... there was more but I can't remember. The unique mixture of flavors grew on me.

We then made our way (as did everyone else) to Georgetown to stop in at the Mall for a quick trip to Urban Outfitters. There was some sort of festival going on so there were so many people it was hard to breathe. Not the best choice. We accomplished our goal and got out as quickly as possible.

Next, we made our way to Ebeneezer's for the 5pm service. Heather Zempel, the discipleship pastor continued the Elephant in the Church series. She did an awesome job talking about suffering, check out the podcast! Gloria was able to meet some of my DC peeps.

Jen was nice enough to give us a ride to La Tasca where we partook in some Spanish Tapa's and Sangria. I got the traditional, gloria got the Sangria Blanco which had cinnamon in it. It was yummy and so was mine. We got a Spanish salad, some sauteed spinach with raisins and pine nuts and some veggie pealla. an entirely pleasant experience.

We ended our night at Harmon Hall for Romeo and Juliet by the Shakespeare Theatre. It was performed entirely by men, like it originally would have been. We had front row seats to the madness. Sword fights, dancing, poison... quite the soap opera. It was a wonderful performance, they managed to make it quite funny and the 2.5 hours flew by!

SUNDAY
After giving Glo a quick tour of the AU campus we went to Eastern Market. It was my first trip but it will NOT be my last. A crazy cool flea market of sorts with antiques, cool jewelry, art, music, and food. We had amazing crepes with apples, walnut, coconut and caramel. And, the icing on the cake? There is a Port City Java near by! How cool is that? After we informed the staff that we hail from the home planet, we were NOT given free coffee. It was a nice try though.

Anyway, then we got some Ethiopian food on U street. Dukem was packed with Ethiopians... always a good sign. Spicy red lentils, split peas... yummy as I remembered.

We finally hit the stereotypical tourist destinations on the National Mall. We made it through the Native American and the African Art museums. Not the most popular ones, so less crowds. Gloria actually found an exhibit that included reference to her mom's family, the Locklears in the Native American museum. I was bummed there was only 2 things in the African Art Museum from Sudan. They must take art seriously in Nigeria because the place was overrun with it.

Then it was back to Ebz's for the Robbie Seay Band who was in town. The concert was a really nice end to the weekend. Chris, Robbie's brother was a long for the ride and had some cool things to say about consumerism and such. I think he could have a second career as a comedian.

Top off the day? Some FRIED ICE CREAM at Guapos. What Can I say? I know how to party.

I am exhausted, yet rejuvenated by my brief 'vacation' from the real world. It is a really busy week, but I guess that is just a sign that I am starting to settle in here.I do not have a single picture from this weekend or I would insert them here. A significant failure on my part which I will try to rectify in future adventures.

Mid-Term Blues

2008-10-08T10:50:00.001-07:00

I can’t believe the semester is half over! It is going by so quickly. At this rate I will be on a cruise ship in the Caribbean with my family before I know it.

I have come to a conclusion about grad school: I think it is the goal to morph all of us into this mold of ‘grad student.’ It’s like the goal is to create a class of people who use big words and fancy language, read political theory for fun, spend hours in the library studying… something, and are constantly fine tuning their resume and networking to obtain the ‘dream job’.

The thing is, I have no desire to be like them. I have no desire to come out the other end of this thing and be anything more than what I am now, just with some more general knowledge and hopefully some more understanding. If anything I see my personal and spiritual growth through this process as equally if not MORE important than the ‘education’ my classes are providing me.

I would consider myself lucky if I ended grad school markedly and noticeably different than the rest of my classmates. I refuse to be motivated my money and/or status (ironic considering our field of study). I refuse to be disappointed if I am not on the path to be the next Secretary of State. I might come out the other end without a job and any prospects… but that is a part of the journey, and I look forward to it. In fact, I kinda hope that I do… it sounds like an adventure!

The reality is I can do anything I want to do. And even if I have a Masters degree I can still clean toilets if that is what makes me happy. I don’t have to talk like I read the dictionary and claim to understand post-structuralism.

I didn’t come to DC to be changed by grad school, I came to DC to be shaped by Christ.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

2008-10-07T12:24:00.000-07:00

Seems like there has been a lot of talk about money lately. If you have a significant amount tied up in the stock market you are feeling a crunch. The other population that is worried? College students.

It appears that the 700 billion the government is spending to bail out 'main street' isn't going to do much to assure graduate students like myself have access to the money they need to finish education.

I am lucky that I am not reliant on private loans, but most of my classmates are. Even my government loans used to run through a private carrier, but at the last minute they switched us all over to Federal Direct loans. Should have known something big was going down...

As college students we spend way to much time worrying about money. Well, at least I do. I am one of the lucky ones but still I find myself balancing the need to be frugal with the need to be social. Add some pressure to get a couple hundred pages of theory and case studies read each week, papers, midterms... Internships, thesis's, jobs... you get my point.

DC is not a cheap place to live. I know a few people paying as much as $1500 for STUDIOS! Not to mention 'grabbing a bite' to eat is never a inexpensive endeavor. They don't like you to spilt entree or bills here either. Produce is a lot more too.

The upside is all of the monuments and museums are free and you can usually bum a free meal from a Table Talk or campus event, but they also take up a lot of time and effort.

Transportation is a whole new obstacle. It takes an hour for me to get just about everywhere and it usually costs at least $2, one way. Plus gas prices are through the roof in the district.

Ahhhh. So, my point? Please consider your college attending friends and family members this holiday season. They might not have access to the loans they need next year and they could use some free food, some hand-me down clothes/shoes, and maybe even a ride. Or maybe I just mean me.

POLITICS

2008-10-03T05:45:00.000-07:00

It surrounds me!

I think it is absolutely hilarious that so many people watch the VP debate last night. My Facebook status update page is covered with reactions. :)

I wish more interest had existed in the Presidential debate, because that was certainly more substantive and relevant, but oh well.

I am getting so sick of this whole election! MOst of you wold know that I have been actively invovled in the campaign for over a year. I did my research, and selected my candidate in September 2007. Then I went to work for him and becasue a dedicated volunteer for over six months. That was enough for me. Not that I am not still behind him 100%... but it is a hard life! I am incredibly proud of the people who have stuck it out and remained on the trial since last year. You have a drive that i don't even understand, much less have.

I can not wait for this whole mess TO BE OVER. I love my candidate, but I hate the political mud slinging contest that is the election process. I can not stand what we have reduced it too.

I am certainly sick of Sarah Palin... not as much her as the talk about her... Hopefully we are done with that now that the debate is over and she will most likely retreat to the background until election day.

So, what do I really want to say? I want to say... stop freaking out! If ______ candidate wins... the world is not going to fall apart, we all know you are not going to leave the country... they are NOT the devil incarnate!

Believe it or not, we have two very capable, very dedicated, very smart people running. I certainly have an opinion that one would do better than the other. BUT, I am willing to admit that both candidates are FINE. I mean really, let's STOP making this into a angel/devil scenario... both of them are politicians... both have said/done some stupid stuff during the campaign. Both have played dirty when it benefitted them and both have done what the needed to get power, BECAUSE They believe that their policies are the best for the country.

Believe it or not, most politicians get into this game because they want to HELP people. I am convinced no one who was in it for themselves would have stuck out this rat race. WHY? Becasue, in reality, the president can't do as he pleases (although, Bush may disagree)... there are checks and balances in the system. They must work through bureaucracies, deal with millions of constarnts and always consider 'public opinion'... they can only do so much. Someone can not get in office and turn the country upside down. Our fore father designed the system that way on purpose. Therefore, no one is jumping through a YEARS worth of hoops and dealth with all of this CRAP, just so they could achieve power... the hoops don't end here. You aren't immediately soverign lord or anything. In fact, you are inheriting a country in its downfall. So, my point is: they both want what's they think is best for the country. So, let's just pick which one we like better and leave it at that!

GAH. So sick of this mess.

je parle anglais!

2008-09-30T11:59:00.000-07:00

Bonjour! Ca va? Je suis bien!

That's about as far as it goes... So I started French this weekend. After five years of Spanish you would think my language skills would be more diverse, but it seems those classes were in vain because I can not put a coherent sentence together outside of my mother tongue. Now this will just not do for an ambitious world traveler as myself. Therefore I am navigating the waters of foreign language education yet once again... this time with serious motivation, and hopefully increased success.

It's a small class which is nice. We meet once a week for about 3 hours. Being a person dedicated to promptness, and understanding of the weight of first impressions, I left my house (only three miles from the school) with 45 minutes to spare. I planned to arrive 30 minutes early, acquire my book and orient myself.

Now here is the thing about DC, the metro system may be extraordinarily easy to navigate... but the roads are more complicated than you can imagine. I had clear directions that followed a familiar path... so no reason to fret. At least I thought so...

I was driving down Massachusetts avenue like I have dozens of times, and ran across a road block. Police were diverting traffic for some reason. I felt a slight twinge of panic, but I followed traffic to the right and reached in my bag to get my phone, to do what I always do when I am lost. Call my mom and ask her to google map me.

Slight panic turns into frustration when I realize that my phone is nowhere to be found. For this first time in months, I have neglected to put my phone in my purse!

It will be ok... I will follow traffic around the road block and get back on Mass Ave as soon as I can. Each attempt meet failure as we (meaning myself and the cars around me) realize that Mass Ave is apparently closed for some way.

No remember what I said... the roads in DC don't make the slightest bit of sense. There is no grid... the roads run on diagonals to traffic circles. Therefore it is virtually impossible to guess your way around.

I had a choice to make... return home to get my phone guaranteeing I will be late for my first class... or keep following traffic and pray for a miracle. Contrary to my nature, I decided to stick it out. I have become pretty familiar with the area and I calculated minimal risk in getting too lost or too far off the mark.

Well, I would have been accurate...

I got to Adam's Morgan where my class was to be held and I saw a street that was on my map and turned on it in order to get in the right direction. I was only a few blocks away... unfortunately that road acts as an access point to the Rock Creek Parkway and is not a thoroughfare.

As I worked my way around the park, helplessly driving in the wrong direction I glanced at the clock. 10:00am... class was starting without me.

I exited the parkway on a familiar street. I was in Georgetown and apparently so was everyone else. Frustration gave way to despair. A few tears were shed.

I knew I had to head North (I was at the South end of the park now) so I followed it around it's west side. I still can't believe I found my way with little problem after that. It was a genuine miracle. Anyone who knows me know that being late, much less for the FIRST of anything, is pretty much... the end of the world. Or, at least, it feels like it at the time. I was only about 40 minutes behind, and it turns out my teacher got stuck in the same situation and was a little late herself.

At least I made it! And without help. I feel accomplished. Although, next time I think I am going to take public transportation.

(You have just read my justification for purchasing a blackberry when it comes time to replace my phone...GPS! My mom needs a break.)

The Perks

2008-09-28T18:54:00.001-07:00

DC is full of opportunities to do/see amazing things. Today I had one of those opportunities and I am extremely glad I took it.

President Koroma, of Sierra Leone, held a Town Hall meeting on campus. Apparently this sort of this happens often... in fact John Garang (The former leader of the SPLA, the Sudan People's Liberation Movement... for those of you who either haven't been around me long enough, or don't listen to a word I say) before he died. Man! My jaw dropped when I heard that... he came to MY college to speak... CRAZY!

Anyway, President Koroma has been in office for one year after being elected in a completely transparent democratic process of free and fair election. (hand clap inserted here). Now, you might not be familiar with the history of Sierra Leone, but if you have seen the movie Blood Diamond, you have a glimpse at their issues. The movie was based on what happened during the civil war in 1999 (the war lasted from 1991-2000). The diamond trade is a HUGE problem for the Sierra Leonians... but it certainly not the only one. They are the LOWEST country on the UN's Human development Index. Life expectancy is 42! 30% are literate, and only 10% of the population is even holds a birth certificate... which presents a huge barrier. Even when the social services are available (i.e. education, pension, etc.) You can't access it if you aren't registered, therefore your are not a citizen and have no record of your existence!

Sierra Leone is also a HUGE exporter of drugs and is incredibly reliant on imports for basic foods, which is unstable and unsustainable. There biggest industry is diamonds, but the Sierra Leonians are not making the money... Western organizers are. Add on top of all of that chronic governmental corruption and insufficient infrastructure and you have quite the mess for President Koroma to address.

President Koroma has been universally praised for his dedication to the democratic process, his stance in combatting corruption through extreme transparency, and his comprehensive plan to reform the basic infrastructure for the country. He spoke about his plan to address a consistent and reliable energy source, to increase wattage in the city as well as in rural communities. He addressed his plan to enhance the agriculture industry and to increase rice production and negate the need for import. He outlined issues from combating drug trafficking to building bridges and roads.

But that isn't what got me. I was in a room full, and I mean FULL, of Sierra Leonians living in the states. It was fascinating to interact with such a alrge group of Africans within the borders of my own county. It made me miss it. During the opening they expressed their desire to keep the program short to allow for more Q&A at the end. We went through the national anthems, etc... then they had two guys come up to pray, one Muslim and one Christian. SL is about 60% Muslim, 30% Christian and 10% indigenous and tribal religions.

I quickly realized i had never heard a Muslim prayer before, at least I had not been present for one. The Ambassador who introduced him reiterated their need to keep it short (not normal practice in Africa, heh). The guy started chanting/singing and they got a point where everyone joined him and said AMEN. Thought it was over... but I was wrong... the guy kept going... Everyone started mumbling to each other... it was very strange.. then suddenly a chorus of voices started saying amen(not in unison)... the guy just stopped and glared at everyone. Then when they stopped.... he kept going! It was soo crazy. After another round, where people didn't seem to care he was still going... loudly talking amongst themselves. Suddenly everyone said Amen again, in unison. The guy had a completely straight face and said something like, "I know I am supposed to be quick (insert laughter from audience) but I have a few words for our president (insert crazy groaning and whining)"... It was sooo strange, comical even. He quieted them down by promising it would only take one minute. He gave the president the gift of the Koran, "the greatest gift a Muslim can give," he said. Anyway... they basically chased in off the stage. Then the Reverend gets up to resounding cheers... could this audience be a little bias? The guy took like 45 seconds. It was hilarious.

Anyway, I know this doesn't translate well, it's one of those 'you had to be there' experiences, but trust me... it was a cultural one.

After the president spoke, he took questions... the people did not hold back! They asked things like... how are you fighting corruption and encouraging national unity in your own government? how long do you plan to stay in office? what are you doing about female genital manipulation? Not only is he pushing legislation to encourage transparency (I.E. politicians now have to declare their personal assets), he is including opposition in his government and seriously pursuing unity. He is actually obeying the constitution of the country! He is pursuing the interest of human rights and working to empower and educate the people.

It was amazing to see what could possibly be one of the first free democracies in Africa emerge! If president sticks to what he said tonight and serves the two terms allowed within the constitution, and makes the changes he says he will... we are talking about only the second country to make such progress on the entire continent!

Cross you fingers and say a prayer... because this could be the beginning of real change for the people of Sierra Leone. His first year has been a great start.

home?

2008-09-23T14:04:00.000-07:00

You know I felt a weird sensation when I looked out upon Dupont Circle after descending the bus stairs... I have no idea what to cal it, but it was a comfortable feeling. Like a relief, or a contentment. It felt welcoming. like... 'welcome home.'

It's kind of strange to think I have only lived here a month. I really must say I missed it while I was in NYC. New York is not my scene. I mean, it's a really cool city, but it just didn't feel right.

All in all, I had a great trip. The last day we just chilled in Brooklyn... went out to breakfast (french toast dipped in amaretto batter and smothered in pecans), read in Prospect Park, went to church and then grabbed some yummy vegan food for dinner.

I ate soo much this weekend. I am going to be detoxing form this trip for awhile.

Back to the 'grind'... it feels less like a grind than life used to. I am enjoying the freedom of being a students while simultaneously disliking the level of stress school always brings me. Getting over that is one of my goals for this year.

Check out my Facebook for pictures from my trip. that is... if I ever get them loaded. I have been trying all day but the upload always seems to fail.

NYC: Highlights

2008-09-21T07:44:00.001-07:00

Here are just a few of the highlights of my trip so far:

- The Daily Show taping, with Tony Blair! I reserved the tickets for the show over four months ago without a clue who the guest would be. Just so happens I picked the date with one of the most significant guests and well publicized and poignant interviews this season. Tony Blair was very professional and gracious while Jon slowly ripped a hole on his legacy, in a very nice and respectful way of course. Very funny skit with John Oliver had to be cut from the front of the show since the interview was so long. You can check it out online.

- Sigur Ros LIVE. What an experience. The show was held in a restored theatre in which every wall and the entire ceiling was covered in intricate carvings and designs. Add some ambient, instrumental Icelandic folk music and you have a piece of heaven. The band did not disappoint! Brilliant show.

- Grimaldi's. The best pizza in the world. period.

- MOMA. There was a brand new Van Gough exhibition on preview that we got into. Saw the famous 'Starry Night' and sooo much more. Also saw some Pollack, Matisse, Picaso, and Monet.

We also have had some amazing French and Thai food, I had my first real New York bagel, and we did some serious shopping in SoHo (I refrained from actually making any purchases, but I enjoyed it nonetheless!). I did get a new coat form H&M yesterday on 5th Ave. DC weather called for it. I made an apple pie from Maria's birthday with the apples she picked last weekend. Turned out better than I thought!

Today is my last day in the city and I think we will stay and Brooklyn and chill. Time to mentally prep for a return to DC.

milestone: 2

2008-09-18T09:09:00.001-07:00

So today marks another milestone... It was one month ago that I was within my last day of residency in North Carolina. One month ago today i was frantically packing my belongings.

One month is a long time. So much can change...

I am actually not within the District of Columbia at this point. I am on a bus to NYC to visit my dear friend Maria. I grabbed some Daily Show tickets back in the spring in anticipation of a birthday trip to the Big Apple. found out this morning that the guest on the show today will be Tony Blair....How cool is that? Last week I even scored some tickets to see Sigur Ros tonight. What a way to celebrate our birthday's! (Maria's is Monday)

Considering the minimal price of $50 I paid for this bus I am impressed... free water and wireless internet. It's a democratic system... we voted on whether to watch a movie and A Few Good Men and Ocean's 13 were rejected by a slim margin.

Shortly I will arrive in one of the coolest cities in the world. I am very excited.

I am sure pictures and tales of adventures will follow.

23

2008-09-14T04:53:00.000-07:00

I woke up today with the realization that I have passed another milestone. 23 years old.

I was thinking how that means it has been two years since my 21st... TWO YEARS!? How bizarre... it seems not long ago at all. People always say the years go by much faster the older you get... I hope it doesn't get any faster than this because I can barely handle it all now. They say that by the time you turn 21, half you life has gone by in your own perception. How creepy is that? But I can understand, it seems like it takes forever to leave the teen years. There seems to be something magical about being in your twenties, until you get here that is.

You don't magically have anything figured out. Life isn't any less complicated, it's significantly more. Although I would never turn back the clock, I wonder why people are in such a hurry... why was I?

Well, looking forward I am excited about what the future holds. These past few years have been quite an adventure and I know, without a doubt, that the rest will be as well. Wanna take a guess at where I will be in 5 years? How about 3? cause that seems vague enough for me at this point.

Prayer

2008-09-10T17:51:00.000-07:00

I have not always had a real appreciation for prayer. I have always found myself bouncing between two realities:

1) You are supposed to ask for what you want
2) You are supposed to trust that God knows best

For me this equated to prayers something like this... "Hey God, I would really like it if you could make this happen for me, but if it is not Your will then help me OK with it." Then I got to the point I didn't even know why I was asking, so it is was... "Hey God, do whatever you want to do." Then, I stopped praying at all... God is going to do what He is going to do, right?

This has been a lifelong struggle. Why do we pray? How should we pray?

I have heard the spiel: you can't get to know and have a relationship with someone if you don't talk to them, right? Well, what if it is just you talking? I mean, it isn't like God doesn't know what you are thinking... What if I hear God speaking to me more when I look at a sunset than when I pray? Does that excuse me from it?

For a long time, even though I wouldn't have admitted it, I would have said yes.

I have learned something profound over the years, God wants to give you everything you want. He loves you so much he wants you to ask for it and he wants to grant your request, EVERY TIME!

If you are thinking, 'yea, I know'... try and let that settle in some more.

I wish I could say that knowing this changed everything, but of course it didn't. It's like knowing God loves you unconditionally... yet we still seek that fulfillment everywhere else.

Here's the other thing I have found, when I am not praying, I am not as aware of God at work in my life. If I ask Him for something, I am going to be more likely to acknowledge He gave it to me. I am going to foster gratitude and awareness of God's love and presence in my life and the world around me.

You know, I still don't have the whole prayer thing worked out, but I am chipping away at it. I think prayer is genius really. Everyone needs to talk to someone. Everything needs to spill their guts every once and awhile and everyone needs to feel like their aren't alone in the universe. Popular culture and hollywood make that argument everyday. God ingrained that desire in us, and he provides the outlet and the solution to our problem within prayer. But, we try and fill it with gossip and therapists. We try and make things happen for ourselves and we experience stress and anxiety from our attempts to control the universe. We weren't made to live this way. We were made to rely on God, and He designed prayer as an integral part to meet OUR needs, because He certainly doesn't NEED us.

Pride Check

2008-09-07T16:33:00.000-07:00

This was an interesting weekend.

Convoy of Hope is an event that takes places all over the country. A central organization provides access to tens of thousands of pounds of groceries and other resources that local communities utilize to make the event happen. It includes more than groceries, a fair of available community services (access to healthcare, transportation, food, shelter, life insurance, disability services, etc.), a kids zone (fully equipped with every blow up game you can think of), a full blown entertainment packed stage (singers, dancers, the whole bit), a job fair (with assistance writing resumes and sharpening your interviewing skills), family portraits, haircuts, and all the hotdogs and hamburgers you want (or that you are willing to stand in line for).

Basically we set up in the parking lot at a stadium in town on Thursday and Friday. The event was supposed to take place Saturday, rain or shine. Unfortunately, FEMA and Homeland Security had a problem with us doing it during a tropical storm.

Therefore, it was delayed until Sunday.

Over the previous couple months, EXTENSIVE outreach has taken place. Over 100,000 flyers have been handed out, door to door. All community leaders and major organization were involved. It was supported by a network of churches who worked together to organize and staff the event.

Due to the change in date, we were a little concerned about turnout. Despite the delay, 1,200 volunteers (the goal amount) came out to serve over 10,000 people! CRAZINESS!!

Convoy of Hope has a core principle... that each participant is a 'guest of honor'. It runs through the entire organization of the event and the volunteers are encouraged to go the extra mile to make every individual fell important.

I think it's a little sad that we have to specify this, but I am glad they did! The entire event had a unique feeling. The volunteer really did go out of their way to make sure every individuals needs were met to the best of our ability. When someone asked where something was, we didn't point... we escorted them. When someone had a concern we didn't refer them we took care of it personally. If they needed something, we got it for them.

This was an amazing, yet humbling experience. I would like to say that we (I mean, I) automatically valued each individual... but today was a reminder of how we can get caught up in ourselves.

The biggest eye-opener came in my section. I worked in the community services tent where all of the local governmental and non profit organizations.

With the 'guest of honor' lens on, I found myself acting differently (what a shame). The representatives of those organizations were not aware of the 'guest of honor' policy, so their behavior was not altered similarly. What happened? I realized that even people who have dedicated their career to helping people in need can lose compassion and respect for them. Not that I am ANY less guilty.

I can relate, considering my previous work at United Way. Even though I have not been a direct service provider, I have worked very closely with many. It is easy to become jaded.

Anyway, I am proud of all the volunteers I had the honor of working along side. I feel like I have been blessed to be a part of this event.

Adjusting

2008-09-04T12:59:00.000-07:00

It's funny how you can be so unselfaware (if that's even a word). I am convinced that a year away from school had done my brian some harm.

I can sense a change as I become more accustomed to school related activities such as A LOT of reading, discussion and discourse. I mean, you can't you tell? My vocabulary is already expanding!?

I know one thing, I never thought I could accomplish so much reading without going absolutely insane, but I have to admit to enjoying the majority of it. I don't really know why I was not a reader... maybe TV got in the way.

Class last night marked a change in tide. It was the second week, and assignments completed I felt significantly more comfortable in my classes. I felt obliged to contribute to discussion and knowledgeable enough to add to what was being said. I had a realization: this place isn't as scary as I thought! I might even like it :).

I had FUN last night, at class! I knew I came here for a reason.

Identity: Part 2

2008-09-02T08:06:00.000-07:00

So, who am i? (See Identity: Part 1 if you are confused)

If you remove all of the circumstantial things a person is defined by the content of their character (to borrow a line from MLK Jr.).

Now, this definition appeals to me because it denies all of the identities that often lead to discrimination. How twisted is it that inequality is often perpetuated based on uncontrollable aspects of an individual? Racism, sexism, ethnic conflict... all contingent on a situation your were born into and did not choose.

But that is a bunny trial...

After someone has passed, we rarely refer to them as 'plumbers,' 'students,' or 'Californians.' Even in extreme circumstances, where someone holds an extraordinary position, like say 'president'... they are remembered not as much for their position as for how they carried it out, a reflection of their character.

What creates character? nature? nurture? morality? faith?

Although all of the above, most likely play a role, I contend that our world view, how we perceive the world and our place in it, defines how we operate. The majority of the time our world view is defined, in large part by our religion or lack thereof.

Most world views (a term I will now use to identify religion or any other point of view which defines you outlook of the world and your place in it) share a common tenant, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you"... or something like it.

The most extraordinary individuals who have ever lived (as defined by modern popular culture )have taken this tenant to it's extreme. Mother Theresa gave up every comfort imaginable and lived a life of selfless service to the most impoverished and needy of the world. Martin luther King Jr. dedicated himself to the institution of basic civil liberties for all people, regardless of race. Ghandi fought for equality within South Africa and India... the list could go on and on... but the concept is the same. These people were determined to do what they could for brothers and sisters, regardless of whether they would see anything in return!

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

So, who am I? What is my identity? Regardless of what occupation you hold, where you live, how much money you have, or how much education you received... you are how you treat other people, how you value them. That is what you will be remembered for. That's all that really matters.

Jesus defined this as love. He commanded His followers to "Love your neighbor as yourself." He even takes it a step further and commands us to "love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you"! I leave you with two passages of scripture which I hope never become stale. It is two beautiful passages written by the disciple John and the apostle Paul, charged with truth that will help us make sense of this life. Read it anew and let it invade your soul.

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love... We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother."

"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love."

Time rolls on...

2008-08-31T08:22:00.000-07:00

School is in full swing... I can tell by the absorbent amount of reading I find myself doing at all hours of the day. They do not joke around about assigned reading in grad school.

I might have mentioned this before, but I have been doing a lot more 'joy' reading as well. Since the majority of my travel time (and there is a lot of it) requires sitting and waiting, I have found time to complete three books in the past week. Makes up for all of the time I didn't read at all!

I cleaned my apartment today. It took my 30 minutes. I have found (as I suspected) that living by yourself has its perks. It is very easy to stay clean when you only have to pick up after yourself. It is also much easier to motivate yourself to do the cleaning if it is only your mess. Needless to say my space has stayed tidy.

One might think that since I have had a significant amount of down time, I would have watched a lot of TV and movies. On the contrary... I have only watched the news, and the Daily Show, since I got here. I have watched a few movies, but not as many as I would have guessed.

In actuality, I find myself pretty productive. I read a lot, my space and my clothes stay clean, I am eating healthy and in good proportion, spending as little money as possible, and yet still getting out and meeting people.

I am sure things will get more complicated with time.

Tomorrow is a special day. I have instigated a trip to Six Flags that I am VERY excited about. It should be a great 'break' and an adventure with some of my school buddies. Hopefully it will not be too hot, or crowded. I have not ridden a roller coaster in some time and I am looking forward to experiencing them again.

I have begun to take ownership of my life here. This feels like my house, this is beginning to feel like my city, and American is starting to feel like my school.

Children

2008-08-28T07:11:00.000-07:00

I have always had a soft port for vulnerable children developing nations, especially orphans and street children. The strange part, especially for those who know me, is that those emotions do not extend to other children. I don't like to babysit... I am not particularly drawn to children... a lot of them annoy me.

For this reason I sort of denied my desire to work with OVC's (orphans and vulnerable children) assuming that it wasn't genuine. Then I went to Sudan and met some young boys whose faces still make me tear up regardless of distance. What does this all mean?

Pastor Mark talked about finding your passion on Sunday. He said we should all find that thing that makes us pound our fist against a table and do something about it.

I was reading the book Not For Sale and came to a chapter about Child Soldiers (mostly in Uganda). I could not believe the emotion that came over me. I wanted to cry, scream, and hop on a plane all at the same time. Now, this isn't some decisive moment. Time can change things, but it gives me a direction.

After a bad experience in a philosophy class this week, I scoured the course options in search of an alternative. I ran across a Children In International Development COurse taught by Professor Hanna who specializes in North Africa and the Middle East. I decided to attend the first class and see what I thought. Even the syllabus makes me excited! I can't wait to dive into the reading!! (I am on hold until my advisor approves the swap.)

Like I said before, time will tell what this all means... but one thing is for sure, pay attention to your inclinations. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to adopt and do something for all of the kids in the world who are without parents and/or subject of severe poverty, conflict, or horrible victimization by traffickers and rebel groups. God has a purpose in everything.

Keep me in your prayers as I continue to expose myself to all of the issues of children around the world. It will be easy to be weighed down with what has been. An entire class focused on how kids are used and abused around the world!? What a tragedy!

Professor Hanna happens to focus on a new process of thought in the development community: considering children as resources. It is a concept that I was introduced to through my work at United Way which I believe has great potential to change the outcomes for children around the world.

We often view children, especially orphans and refugees as a burden... to be taken car of and dealt with. Every child is a valuable resource! We can not forget that children are not only our future... but they make up the majority of the population, therefore they are our TODAY.

Stepping off soap box now.

at a loss

2008-08-27T06:21:00.000-07:00

I don't really know what to say... and certainly not because I don't have anything to say, but because I am so overwhelmed by all that I need to get off my chest.

This is a preverbal roller coaster ride of emotions. One day you are flying high on your hopes and dreams, the next you are bawling your eyeballs out to a sad tune.

One thing is for sure: grad school is what I thought it would be, I am just not sure if I am ready for it.

I signed up for this because I knew I needed a challenge and I knew I wanted to be pushed. Now that I am face to face with that challenge it is incredibly tempting to run. Run where?

The reality is I would never do such a thing... you know Laura, responsible, dependable, reliable... not going anywhere. That's the real scary part.

To add to the emotional chaos, I need some friends. And not the random people you meet... but the ones you can call when you need to be encouraged... the ones who will call you for more than a drinking buddy. I know it will come with time.

The separation isn't as devastating as you might think... although a Big Jerk burrito would be really nice... it's the lack of new connection. Who really makes that in a week though?

The bottom line is that all is well. I am looking forward to this challenge. It is not a coincidence... I have been placed here and God is going to do some amazing work in me. I chased my lion to DC (Read "In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy day" by Mark Batterson, the pastor of NCC, my church here, to get the reference) and the hard part isn't over. It is probably just beginning.

And so, it has begun....

2008-08-21T18:49:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are not aware, I am a full fledged resident of the District of Columbia. I had to get my car registered in order to park on the street outside my house here and to do that I needed new title, tags, etc... which required an inspection, and a new license and therefore I had to register to vote here as well.

We are not in Kansas anymore.

After six hours running around DC with my dad at the wheel, I never want to drive in the city again! We were at the mercy of my parent's new new GPS to get all this crap taken care of so I wouldn't get a ticket parking my car. Roundabout after roundabout... who's idea where those anyway!?

The good news is what took a minivan and my car (packed to the BRIM) to tote up here was unloaded and carried up three flights of stairs in record time. We even had everything unpacked and set up in just over 24 hours. I feel very cozy and at home in my new space. (pics on facebook)

I have to admit that the first night I had to remind myself several times that this was not a vacation and I was not going home in a few days... this is it! Now, it is easier to believe.

This morning we (my landlords and I) went for a walk around the neighborhood and ran into a Fox News van and a few news crews waiting outside one of our neighbors houses. Senator Bayh lives down the street. Apparently all crews are on VP watch and expect to discover something while watching his and his wife's car pull in and out of the driveway. Tim Russert's house is here too. His truck is still parked out front.

I had orientation today and I walked to campus, it took me about 15 minutes. I am going to like this. :)

Orientation was draining, but all is well. We have another day of it tomorrow. Hours upon hours of sitting, listening, digesting... not to mention the general feeling of apprehension you have at a new school. It is almost too much. You meet so many people you can never expect to remember all of their names. It is an interesting experience.

More later, after I debrief.

Nothing New Here

2008-08-18T04:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
Sometimes it's hard to see our own struggles. I may know that all is not well, but I am not able to identify exactly what has put my heart on edge. In this situation, so many thoughts and speculations swirl throughout my brian that it is hard to pinpoint just one that operates as the access point for all the rest.

Last week, in small group (my very last, by the way) we were all struggling with frustration and stress. Instead of venting and whining for two hours (like normal :), Jeni came up with the idea to write them down and them burn them, in symbolic release of the situations and emotions that are weighing us down.

With my pen to paper and a need to formalize what I was struggling with, I began to write... The list looked something like this:

FEAR of failure
FEAR of regret
FEAR of loneliness
FEAR of change

To be honest the list was much longer on that piece of paper but every line began with the common thread...FEAR. Who knew?

In retrospect, I am a little ashamed I had not discovered this sooner. It was plain as day... every emotion that weighed me down was stemming from a fear.

I have been thinking about fear...

"I tell you, my friends, do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have nothing more that they can do. But I will warn you whom to fear: fear him who, after he has killed, has authority to cast into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him! Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows"...

And he said to his disciples, "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!

And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!

And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you.

Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. Provide yourselves with moneybags that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."
Luke 10:4-7, 22-34

Wow, God. You have a lot to say about this....

So first of all, what business do I have fearing my circumstances when God clearly says that the only thing I should be fearing is He who runs the show!

Secondly, how can I fear if I know that God has called me to this next step and He has continually promised to take care of me?

I mean I know what this is, this fear is a lack of trust. It shows my inability to let go and allow God to take care of me.

TRUST. Sounds familiar. I seem to remember admitting this problem before... I guess that is why I made it my word for the year.

Nothing new here!

Identity: Part 1

2008-08-13T10:27:00.000-07:00

It's alarming how much people rely on their circumstance to define their identity...

"I am a lawyer"
"I am a janitor"
"I am a Texan"
"I am a Marine"
"I am a sunday school teacher"
"I am rich"
"I am poor"
"I am a wife"
"I am a father"

What happens when these circumstances are removed? I got a glimpse of that this week. I went from being a full-time employee who let herself be defined by her work, her productivity... to a bum. I would like to have thought that my job did not define me, but in reality, when it was removed I found myself searching for an identity.

So, what am I? A graduate student? Well, that gets a lot of interest and praise from other people... but what happens two years from now when that is removed... who will I be then? anything different?

Sure, I will be different BECAUSE of my circumstances. But do they define me? I think not.

If I continue to find my identity in my circumstances I will ultimately hit a wall... once I am done with school I can be an "international traveler" or a "world-changer" in my new job... and sure, It will be fulfilling to receive accolades from others. But what happens when I lose my job? What happens if I can't find one? at some point I will probably be a wife and/or a mother... What if that is removed?

An identity reliant on circumstances that will always shift, is doomed! At some point (as I started to experience this week) you won't have any circumstances to rely on!... or at least that you WANT to identify with.

Then you will realize that your identify is so much more. At least, I hope so.

I am a lost and wandering soul searching for love and acceptance. I am a daughter of the creator who longs to provide that to me, if only I would accept it. I am chronically lonely, yet never alone. I am completely hopeless, yet full of hope. I am a walking contradiction.

Crawling by...

2008-08-09T07:23:00.001-07:00

I have been unemployed now for a few days, and even though they have been full of adventures... it still feels like weeks or months.

I am so ready to take this step that I am emotionally removed from this place and most of it's inhabitants. Probably not a healthy thing.

The next week will be crowded with events and I want to enjoy it, fully engaging myself in the here and now.

Despite the emotional distance that I am inserting to protect myself, I have still enjoyed my time. Here are a few of the events of the last few days:
- My first visit to Bald Head Island! I accompanied my brother to the elite vacation destination I have lived only miles form my entire life. (For those of you who do not know you have to make a certain income to own a home on the island and you would be neighbors with the likes of Tom Cruise.) He had to go over for work and I was feeling spontaneous. First of all, you have to take a ferry... no cars on the island. And, big surprise... it costs $15 to get to and from the island. Once you there, unless you want to walk it's entire length you must rent a golf cart for, you got it... $40 for two hours or $60 a day. We were lucky enough to borrow a friend's cart and save the expense. We found where it was parked and where on our way! I watched my brother do his work on the pool at Timber Creek (the 'ghetto' of the island). My sudden burst of spontaneity had left me unprepared. I looked awful funny next to the pool in the suede pointy shoes. I got more than one strange look. It took him longer than expected and we rushed off towards to ocean to get a glimpse of it before we had to get back to the 5:30 ferry. We were not warned about the inhabitants of this cart. We had to share space with a colony of black ants who seemed to like me. Swatting off the little creatures and holding on for dear life, Alan tries his best to fling me off the cart we search for the sea. We finally gave up trying to find an access point and I switched over the the drivers seat (who doesn't want to drive a golf cart every chance they get?). As we made our way back towards the port I noticed the cart losing momentum. You guessed it, on a particularly steep (well, steep for the flat NC coast) section of road the cart stopped completely. Multiple attempts to revive the engine failed and we began to push the cart towards the parking lot at which we found it... all in brand new 'kitten' heel shoes while swatting ants and trying not to die in the heat of the day. Parking has never been my strong suit, much less when you must maneuver and provide the force of motion simultaneously. Thankfully, it only took us 7 attempts to get it in the proper parking space, semi-straight. Immediately we run towards the ferry is an attempt to get off this island as fast as possible. Thankfully, we were spared the extra hour we would have had to wait for the next one. Spontaneity? I will think twice next time.

- Mom and I went shopping in downtown Southport. Not something I get to do often, we spent our time browsing the antique stores and boutiques. I was particularly drawn to a flea market in which I found a wonderful black blazer which I was determined to make my own. I approach the cash register and the thought crosses my mind... "Do you guys accept credit or is it cash only?" ...did I even have to ask? I should have known that something would stand in the way of me and my $4 blazer. I reached for my wallet secretly hopping that two dollar bills would magically appear next tot he two I knew to be in there... no such luck! But I did find two quarters, a dime, two nickels and eight pennies. A dollar fifty to go... I call my mom's cell (She is at the store across the street). She doesn't carry cash either but between her purse and the car we scrounge up another $1.03. I pilfer through he back seat and find another quarter and two pennies... only $.35 to go! I consider begging from strangers but mom encourages me to walk into the Newspaper office two doors down and ask Daniel for the change. So I oblige... "Is Daniel Chaffin here?"...no luck, he left for lunch with a plate of hoagies. Hmmm... "Well, would you guys happen to have $.35 I could borrow... that's the real reason I needed him." I am the proud owner of a $4 black blazer.

- Momma Mia? Um, Pierce Brosnan should never sing, ever again.

- My favorite part of the Olympics Opening ceremony? "You see that girl... she is a stand-in. The girl originally supposed to go that part messed up in rehearsals a few days ago and the executed her." Haha, very funny Guy.

TRUST

2008-08-04T03:59:00.000-07:00

You may or may not know this, but my word for this year is TRUST. I feel like God is really teaching me how to rely on Him. A major step in the journey has been taken. I received my very last paycheck for the year (or more) last week. Although, I still have three days left of work, I will not get paid for them.

Money is a security blanket for me. I like to have a stockpile for emergencies. I like to know that I don't have to worry about... so, I worry about it.

I am not someone who needs a lot, just enough to feel safe. What is enough? I have no idea, but I have a feeling I won't have it for quite awhile.

I will be living off of my savings for the rest of this year, at least. It isn't a small amount, but I really need to plan to make it stretch the entire two years since I have no idea what is going to happen. Frugal, I am good at. It's just that constant worry that gets me down.

TRUST. A concept I need some practice at.

I believe that God has called me to this place (I.E. DC). He has provided for my every need in preparation (Housing, Tuition, Church, Contacts...), and I have no reason to think He will not continue to take care of me. He promises He will.

So have a little FAITH, LAURA!

Anyway, three more days of work and then I do not have to get up at 6am to get ready for work, I do not have to drive 45 minutes into Wilmington to the office, and I do not have to spend Sunday dreading the return of the work week... of course, soon enough I will replace those emotions with class... but here's to hopping!

Countdown to the Inevitable Not Preferred

2008-07-28T05:37:00.000-07:00

So it's been pretty tough to go to work for the last few weeks...
I guess it is because I know that the end is near and it's hard to take ownership of the work when you know it won't be yours much longer.

Now we have reached the last week/week-and-a-half... and it has sifted slightly. Now it is with a slight twinge of melancholy that I savor the last few days.

My job has been good to me for more than 2 and a half years. I have invested a lot into it and without a single regret. Now this chapter is closing and part of me is having a hard time letting go.
I hate the thought that the world will keep on spinning without me, that when I return things will be different, never the same again.
You would think by this point in my life I would have accepted this reality. In fact, I can’t really remember it bothering my quite so significantly in the past. It seems I have reached a point in which something is different.

Anyway, We must accept what the future holds and learn to make the best of it… and there is a lot of good to be found.

CHAOS

2008-07-15T11:16:00.000-07:00

So what happens when you wake up one morning and realize the life you really want [are meant for!?] is nothing like the one you have been pursuing?

That’s not the case here…. I was just wondering.
Honestly, though… who HASN’T this happened to?

How many people suddenly realize that what they have been working for is not what they want? At least 75% of college students realize this before they graduate. I guess it’s a necessary step in life, a rite of passage of sorts… but it doesn’t make it any less annoying.

If you are like me, you don’t mind change; you just don’t like your plans being messed up. I really don’t mind change; I just prefer change that is a part of my plan. Make sense?
Of course not.

It is so easy to get caught up in going through the motions you forget to check yourself, where is my passion? What is my purpose? Am I listening to God?

Dear Lord, let us not lose sight of you. My life is a love song to you…

What!?

2008-07-14T06:53:00.000-07:00

I don’t think many people know this about me, but I am a daydreamer.
My mind regularly wanders into what could be, what might have been…
I have determined this is an unhealthy practice and have attempted multiple times to change my habits but I have yet to be successful.

I guess the danger of living in ‘what if’s’ is that you could become so caught up is what was/is not, that you miss what IS. The reality is that what IS, is rarely worse than what could be. God provides a rather full and adventurous life for me. But, for some reason, I still refuse to live completely in what God has blessed me with. I wander into what he COULD have blessed me with, not that it is even preferable…. Does this even make sense!? Because it doesn’t to me, and yet I continue to do it.

“What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary. But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. “ Romans 7:15-20

I guess I am not alone. This is not an isolated struggle. I wish that made me feel better.

What I Will Miss Most

2008-07-07T10:19:00.000-07:00

You might assume that once I depart this fair town of Wilmington, North Carolina I might anticipate the sadness come from dislocating yourself from family you have always had as a active part of your everyday life... or the many wonderful friends who have been a part of your journey...

I have to admit, this is not what I consider my biggest losses. I know this is incredibly insensitive and most likely shows a significant personal deficit... but the way I see it, you can talk to family on the phone., people can come visit you, relationships can be maintained… BUT, there are two things that will not stand the test of distance.

Number One: and most obvious to anyone who has spent any amount of time with my, my home away from home… Flaming Amy’s Burrito Barn. The irony of my attachment to a ‘semi’ fast-food joint is quite humorous. But, I find it hard to imagine going a week, much less a month or many without homemade tortilla chips with pineapple salsa. Completely sick, I know.

Number Two: Port City Community Church. I still think it’s funny that this community of people existed many years before I discovered them. Sometimes I wonder how my life would be different if I had discovered them earlier. But no use on dwelling what wasn’t meant to be. I am convinced that no body can replace PC3 in my heart, but I have come to realize that is not the goal. A new community, that suits a new phase in my life will have to be discovered.

I am copping with my losses. The thought of no more burrito –the-size-of-your-face-and-stuffed-with-wonderful-goodies and the amazingly REAL and humble teachings of Mike Ashcraft… is becoming easier to bear. I mean, there is always DHL and podcasts, right?

The District of Confusion

2008-06-30T10:49:00.000-07:00

Well good afternoon one and all.

Today is nothing special, but it marks one less day I have within everything familiar. After 22.9 years in South Eastern North Carolina, the time has come to move onto a new adventure. And an adventure I hope it to be, I KNOW it to be.

God has worked every detail out and I have nothing to fear. I have a place to rest my head, resources to consume, and more than my share of opportunities for growth and development. So why does my head swim when I consider the transition to my new home in the nation’s capital?

I am sure many of you have ideas you would be willing to share with me, but I think it is safe to assume that the emotions are natural. While many people enjoy change, we all hate it. I might relish the thought of exploring new surroundings, but I simultaneously loathe the fact I must leave familiar ones. It is a battle we all fight in our own way.

So as I move into a new season of life I am reminded of the amazing hope for the future born from the promise of Christ to take care of me, to provide for me, to shape me into a better person, someone more like Him.

I am also reminded of a great song by Nicole Nordeman. Here are the lyrics:

Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice You
In children’s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn

And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring

The end of a season? Maybe. But it is the beginning of so much more…